


Mr. H

by martiewritesstuff



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Based on a Tumblr Post, F/M, Gen, Inspired by Music, Original Work inspiration, POV Original Character, Philadelphia Flyers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-10
Updated: 2020-02-10
Packaged: 2020-02-29 14:59:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 77,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18780613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/martiewritesstuff/pseuds/martiewritesstuff
Summary: An attractive TA takes over Jane's Sociology course.





	1. PART ONE

**Author's Note:**

> \- [Based off of this Tumblr post about the Winnipeg Jets](https://martieblogsstuff.tumblr.com/post/184261195070/where-does-one-major-in-loving-the-jets)  
> \- [Check Out The Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2riVXp4RVMtdvmlhjX0Ggp?si=PS0YIYtAT1mF65qDYjm3Og)  
> \- Female OC Jane Doe is inspired by another OC from an original work I am working on. If you're curious [check it out here](https://www.wattpad.com/story/123351667-plain-jane)

PART ONE

Popular Culture. It seemed like it would be interesting to take for one of my Sociology electives when I first came across it in the course catalogue. However, it’s three weeks into the semester and I’m regretting my decision. The class wasn’t hard at all; read the chapters, show up and discuss in class, take the quizzes. However, it was getting through the class that was the hardest.

First of all, it’s a night class. A three hour night class. A three hour night class on a Friday night. Yeah, what was I thinking? As the rest of the campus was partying it up, I was prying my eyes open with my fingers listening to a droning lecture about commodity fetishism (it’s boring, not kinky at all.) 

Secondly, my professor was ancient. He was the living incarnate of the old man from the Pixar short about the chess game. He showed up to every class wearing an oversized blazer and dress pants on his thin elderly frame and had circle frame glasses that were so small they didn’t serve a purpose on his face. His joints squeaked every time he walked, which was worrying but it also made me cringe every time as it sounded like nails against a chalkboard. Last week, I was forced to sit up at the front because his mousy, German accent barely travelled to the middle of the classroom. Also, judging by the way he spoke so fondly of Max Weber’s theories, I theorized that he could have been best friends with him in the 19th Century. 

As much as I wanted to drop the course, this was one of the last credits I needed to graduate, and next semester was going to be a vacation compared to the last four years. I had to keep reminding myself it was twelve weeks, and I was already a quarter of the way through. I just had to stick through the mouth breathing and lip-smacking, as well as the scribbled notes on the whiteboard because the old man refuses to use a computer. Then there’s also the unnecessary pauses where he blankly stares through the class as if he’s trying to remember where the fuck he is and what year it is…

Yeah, I think I can do it. Or maybe I make a dummy of myself, place it in a desk with a recorder, and pick it up at the end of class. 

I walked into the class five minutes before 6:00 PM and took a seat at the front. Usually, the professor is already sitting at his desk, nose pressed against his notes trying to figure out how far into the syllabus we are. However, the chair was empty and there were no notes scattered across the desk. I swivelled around in my chair to observe the classroom. There were a few guys in the back corner taking shots of Jägermeister and chasing it down with Red Bull, but that was nothing out of the ordinary as they did that before every class. 

The old man was nowhere in sight. I couldn’t help but get worried; did he get lost on the way to the class? Or maybe his legs finally gave out and he’s fallen and can’t get up? I hated his teaching, but he was a senior citizen. I didn’t want anything bad to happen to the poor guy.

I got up from my desk and walked over to the door, hoping to see the professor creaking his way down the hallway. I reached for the handle when the door swung opened from the other side. I got startled and stepped to the side, where I was met by a tall figure crossing the threshold into the room.

“Leaving so soon?” I looked up and found myself admiring the sparkle coming from the man’s blue eyes. The smile that appeared at the end of his curious remark was soft and earnest. I didn’t recognize him as he wasn’t a student in this class. So why is he here?

“Uhhh…” No words wanted to come out of my mouth and for some reason, I couldn’t stop blinking. Pretty sure it was my brain telling me in Morse code, SAY SOMETHING! “Where is…” I couldn’t even remember the professor’s name. I looked down at the carpet as if it was going to be etched into the fucking fibres. Well, this is kind of embarrassing!

“If you sit down, then I can tell you.” The assertiveness in his gravelly voice made my knees feel weak. I didn’t even time to fully comprehend his sentence, my legs were already on the move. My eyes were still locked on the man as I promptly walked back to my desk and sat down. 

From my seat, I got a better look at him. He walked to the desk and leaned on the front of it, dropping his book bag behind him on the chair. He rolled up the sleeves of his pale blue dress shirt, which was slightly wrinkled, and scratched at the reddish-brown scruff on his face. My eyes quickly fixated on how tight his black pants were around his thighs. What the hell are you doing? Stop staring at his thighs!

“Hey guys, listen up!” He yelled over the chit-chat, crossing his arms in a serious demeanour. Everyone in the class turned towards the front of the room. I heard the girl sitting behind me whisper to her friend, ‘who is that snack?’ 

“Hey,” He waved. “For those that don’t know who I am, my name’s Kevin. I am a teaching assistant with the Sociology department. Professor Strauss (ahh, so that’s his name!) will no longer be teaching this course. He has taken a leave of absence to take care of personal stuff so I have been asked to step in for the rest of the semester.” 

One of the students a few rows behind me raised their hand. “Is Professor Strauss okay?”

“Professionally speaking, I’m supposed to say that he is fine. But if we’re speaking realistically here, he was caught wandering the grounds this morning in a not-so-decent manner--”

Another student interjected, using finger quotations like he was stuck in the early 2000s. “Care to elaborate on this ‘not-so-decent’ manner?”

Kevin sighed, his head looking down in contemplation. He took a second before finally releasing the grip his teeth had on his bottom lip and spilling the beans. “Dude was found butt-naked by one of the janitors. He was completely clueless as to who and where he was, so he is now enjoying early retirement in one of Boston’s finest nursing homes.” 

Early retirement? I hope that was sarcasm because the old man was fifty years too late for early retirement. 

Some of the class reacted to the news with softening giggles. The Jager Boys in the back already had a buzz going, laughing out loud with their arms flailing about. ‘OH SHIIIT!” one of them blurted. 

“Okay, settle down…” Kevin pointed his index finger at the class in an intimidating manner, but the smirk on his face said otherwise. “By the way, you did not hear that from me!" He made his way around the desk to open up his book bag. Once again, I could hear the girl behind me sharply inhale.

“Damn…” She whispered to her friend. “Look at that ass!” I couldn’t help but stare in that same direction at the perfectly plump bottom of the teaching assistant. I had to gulp down the excess of saliva my mouth suddenly started to produce. 

Kevin pulled his MacBook out from the book bag. He looked back up, his direct stare connecting with mine. Shit. My eyes quickly dart to a spot on the wall. Could he tell, judging by the mere second that he looked straight in my eyes and somehow deeply into my soul, that I was gawking at him? My thighs squeezed together as I adjusted myself in my seat, still feeling uncomfortable because everything was pulsing… down there. 

Jesus Christ, the lesson hasn’t even started yet and I’m already hot for teacher. Why did I sit at the front tonight? Would he notice if I cowered inside of my hoodie like a turtle and didn’t come out for the rest of the semester?

“So, I already transferred Strauss’ notes onto my laptop so they’re easier to understand--” The entire class let out a giant sigh of relief, Kevin chuckled. “Yeah, I know. I’m sorry you had to put up with that chicken scratch. Anyways, I hope everyone did the reading because tonight’s topic is, drumroll please…” 

One of the Jager Boys banged out an off-tempo beat on the top of his desk.

“Nice…” Kevin complimented. “Sick beat, bro!” The projector turned on. “We’re talking about the Culture Industry!”

For the first half of the lecture, I ignored listening to Horkheimer and Adorno's theory. I had no idea what was going on at all. Why study Sociology when I could study how Kevin rubs the side of his nose, or the way that he licks and bites his bottom lip, or how big and manly his hands looked when they gripped at the sides of the podium. I was zoned in on him the entire time. I must have looked ridiculous; a glazed look of infatuation on my face while biting down hard on my pen. I eased the pressure on my writing instrument after imagining the moment the pen breaks in my mouth and I’m spitting out black ink in front of the class. 

Kevin reached for the back of his neck and he stretched; his bicep wanted to bust out of the sleeve of his dress shirt. He squinted at the screen of his laptop for the time. "Wow! And just like that, we are halfway through this snooze fest! Let's take a quick break; stretch our legs, have a snack, wipe the drool from our face..."

Students started to get up from their seats and walk out of the class to the hallway. I followed suit, briskly making my way down the hallway to the water fountain and filling up my stainless steel bottle. I was having trouble holding the bottle; my palms were clammy, my hand was shaking. Not to mention that my knees were on the verge of buckling and my heart was beating out of my chest. What is going on with me? 

I closed my eyes and tried to do some breathing exercises, deeply inhaling and exhaling. In through the nose, out through the mouth. I continued the breathing, but I was having trouble focusing. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw him. His face. His stupid dumb face. The way his stupid blue eyes widen and the way his stupid mouth partially agape when concentrating on the computer screen. And don’t get me started on his stupid crooked smile when making a stupid remark. Stupid Kevin, distracting me and making me stupid for him. 

Then I heard his stupid voice. “Aren’t you glad you stayed?” 

“JESUS!” I yelped, snapping out of my trance. I lost grip of the bottle while jumping three feet away from the fountain, all of the water contained inside splashing onto the linoleum flooring in the hallway. I stood in my place shocked with my hands over my dropped mouth, unable to even move to pick the bottle up. “I-I-I-uhh…” I stuttered, words unable to form. 

Kevin picked up my water bottle and held it out for me to grab. I hesitated, staring at Kevin’s burly, masculine hand suffocating my bottle. My tiny delicate fingers grazed his taking the bottle from him. 

“Uhh, thanks?” I quietly stretched out the words, the end of it coming out as a question. Why? I don’t know, because I’m ridiculous. My face was so hot, I could melt an igloo in the middle of Antarctica.

“There’s a cleaning closet around the corner. I’ll be back.” Kevin jumped over the puddle of water and came back moments later with a mop and bucket on wheels. He started to clean up the mess.

“I can do it.” I stammered. “It’s my fault. I’m such a klutz!” I let out a light chuckle, followed by a self-deprecating sigh.

“It’s alright, I got this. I was the one that scared you.” He insisted, swishing the water around on the floor. I know he was trying to help, but he wasn’t absorbing anything the way he was pushing around the mop. Luckily, a cleaning guy came around the corner and started to give us shit about stealing the mop. Kevin explained what happened and the cleaning guy took over, glaring at us as he said he would take care of it. 

I fled the scene, making a beeline to the classroom door. Kevin’s big body stopped in front of my small stature halfway there. 

“Hey, are you okay?” He asked concerned, his head tilted a little to the left. He is ridiculously tall, he had a good foot and a half of a difference on me. My neck was starting to hurt, craned to look up at him.

“Yeah, I’m fine...” No, you’re not. You’re suddenly swooning over your teaching assistant. “I’ve been having an off day…” Everything was fine until your fine-as-hell TA decided to walk into your classroom. “I just need to sleep it off…” You mean, you want to sleep with him you thirsty son of a--

“Well, I hope you feel better…” He paused, biting his bottom lip for what seemed like the hundredth time tonight. “Sorry, I never got your name!”

“It’s Jane.” I awkwardly twiddled my fingers in a weird wave. “Hi.”

“Cool. I like it.” Kevin leaned in closer. I sharply inhaled through my nose, my stance suddenly becoming timid. “Can I tell you something, Jane?” 

I slowly nodded. 

“I have no idea how to use a mop…” He smirked. 

I smiled down at the floor before looking back up at him, giggling with a smug expression on my face. “I figured that. It’s funny because it’s not that hard to do.” I walked past Kevin and made my way towards the classroom. 

“What? I never needed to use one!” He somehow got in front of me again, opening the door and motioning me inside. “After you!” That crooked smile appeared. 

Ugh, can you stop already? It’s cute and it’s making me nauseous. 

“Alright, back to the fun and interesting stuff!” Kevin rubbed his hands together in excitement, making his way back to the podium. He looked up from his laptop to see one of the Jager Boys taking a swig from their bottle. “Guys, really? Alcohol in the classroom?” The rest of the class turned around to see their faces turn white. 

“Did you want some?” One of the boys asked, giggling in their stupor. 

“Drink Jager straight? No, fuck that! That shit tastes like year-old toothpaste!” Kevin exclaimed with disgust. “Bring something decent for the next class and we’ll talk! And bring enough to share with everyone else. If we have to get through these boring topics together, all of us will need liquid courage!”

“HELL YEAH! BEST TEACHER EVER!” Another Jager Boy whooped and hiccupped, raising the almost empty bottle in salutation while the rest of the class cheered.

Popular Culture just got a bit more interesting.

~

"Great class tonight, guys! Don’t forget to read chapter six for next week! It’s an interesting one; Identity and the Body! Also, Tobey is on booze duty and Larisa is bringing her seven-layer dip so come ready to party and prepared to learn!” 

The room filled with the various sounds of backpack zippers opening and closing, the fumbling of papers and textbooks, the disposal of paper plates and red SOLO cups being chucked into the bin in the corner of the room, and minimal chatter. Another Friday night of Popular Culture had concluded and students were filing out of the classroom, slightly buzzed and full from the Chinese food that was delivered halfway through the lecture. 

It’s been two weeks since Kevin took over the class, and so far it’s been much more enjoyable than when Professor Strauss was teaching the course. The alcohol and food was an upgrade all in itself, but he had an alternative way of teaching compared to the latter and it’s made me wonder how Kevin even acquired his position of teaching assistant. He sounds incredibly smart when he is reading the notes of a 900-year-old Sociology professor. Surprisingly, he can pronounce long and complex words without struggling; this coming from a guy who tends to start sentences with ‘yeah,’ ‘uh,’ or ‘yeah, uhh.’ However, when he tries to put the reading into his own words he epically fails. His mind falters like a computer blue screening and he stands in front of the class, staring up at the ceiling like he's trying to look at his forehead. 

To be honest, it's not a bad sight to look at. The way one hand rests on his hip, the other tapping away at his temple. He sucks in his bottom lip and his eyebrows scrunch together. Even when he looks like he has a short circuit, he’s still ridiculously hot. Ugh. Just when I thought I was in control of my lust... 

Anyways, instead of explaining the theory in his own words Kevin finds videos on YouTube that are considered relevant to the subject. We were discussing branding last week and for most of the class, we watched Mr. Beast videos. It was strange but like I said before, much more enjoyable than fighting to stay up during a boring lecture. 

I was finishing packing up my laptop when one of the Jager Boys brushed past my seat, being carried out by two of his buddies. Before the start of class, he was boasting to his friends about bringing his own supply of Smirnoff vodka to get ‘turnt’ on. I’m roughly the same age as this guy and I think the word ‘turnt’ is fucking stupid. Just say you’re getting wasted and be done with it. 

“Hold up!” Kevin stopped the guys by the door. He stalked over and put his hand out. “Where’s the bottle?” He demanded. His voice lowered, which took me by surprise. One of the buddies swiftly zipped open the Jager Boy’s backpack and handed over the vodka. 

“Thank you.” Kevin stared into the glassy eyes of the drunk Jager Boy, his big baby blues narrowed in intimidation. “Jaxon, dude… Do not mistake my kindness for weakness. I’ll be watching you closely next week, and if I catch you drinking, you owe me a fifteen-page essay on why you should stay in this class.” He looked towards the guys carrying Jaxon out. “He probably has no idea what just came out of my mouth, so kindly remind him when he sobers up. Make sure he gets home safe.” 

The guys trudged out of the room, dragging Jaxon along like the useless weight he was. Down the hallway, you could hear him yelling about Kevin. “MISTER H, YOU’RE THE BEST! TELL JIMMY HE’S COOL TOO! I LOVE THAT DUDE!”

“Yikes…” I heard Kevin mutter under his breath, picking up his book bag from beside the podium. I made my way towards the door when he stopped me in the same spot, the tone in his voice no longer deep and serious. “Hey! Did you need a walking buddy?” 

“Umm…” Come on, structure a sentence. “No thanks, I’ll be fine. My dorm isn’t that far.” I sputtered through, awkwardly adjusting the strap of my messenger bag. In all honesty, I wouldn’t mind the company.

“Which dorm?” Kevin pulled his book bag over his shoulder. Is it weird to think someone has nice shoulders? They’re broad and looked good in the leather jacket he was wearing. Why am I obsessing over someone’s shoulders?

“Uhh, I have an apartment in Sawyer Hall.” 

“Well, I happen to be parked by Sawyer.” Kevin’s tall stature towered over me, he fiddled around with the cap of the Smirnoff bottle. “So, I rather it was not awkward when you turn around and see me not stalking you…”

“Oh. Okay… I mean, if it’s not out of your way.” He just said he wasn’t. RETRACT! “Sorry. You just said it wasn’t so obviously it’s not…” I started to mumble out of embarrassment, involuntary word vomit was coming out of my mouth. I finally stopped when Kevin’s hand engulfed my shoulder, sending an electric shock throughout my body. 

“Whoa, relax! You may need to lay off the juice!” He joked. I nodded, trying not to look surprised at the fact he was touching me. Was I uncomfortable? Kind of. Was it a good kind of uncomfortable? Possibly. Was my stomach flipping the chow mein around to the point of making me feel nauseous? Definitely. 

“Yeah, the juice is getting to me.” I giggled (like an idiot), pointing at the bottle of Smirnoff. “Speaking of which, shouldn’t you hide that?” 

“Wha--OH! Shit!” He chuckled while sliding the bottle into his book bag. “That would have been bad! Thank you!”

“You’re welcome.” I opened the door, motioning him out the way he did for me a few weeks ago. “After you!”

It was painfully silent leaving the building together. I found myself staring at him trying to think of something to say. Then he would look at me within the same moment and I would look the other way or bashfully smirk. Eventually, he was the one who spoke first.

“So I’m guessing you’re not from around Boston.” That’s a strange ice-breaker.

“Why do you say that?” 

“Well, you obviously don’t have the accent. I also noticed you tend to say ‘sorry’ a lot, and you do not seem to be fazed by how cold it is outside,” Kevin theorized, a light shiver in his voice. “I’ve lived here my entire life and I’m not used to it.”

“Wow. Does my Canadian show that much?” I laughed. “Just wait until I show up in my Mountie uniform.”

“You have a Mountie uniform?” Kevin asked, intrigued. I rolled my eyes.

“Yes, and the word ‘gullible’ was just written in the sky by aliens.” He looked up, I can’t believe he looked up! Oh my God, he is such a goof! Kevin looked back down at me after realizing what I had done. 

“I thought Canadians were supposed to be nice…” His lips and cheeks puffed out. He looked like an angry baby.

“Most of us are.” I smiled. The subject died down really quick. However, I did have one thing weighing on my mind.

“Who’s Jimmy? I overheard Jaxon yelling something about a Jimmy earlier…" I noticed Kevin's head fall, facing down at the pavement beneath us. Crap, was that too personal? I felt the need to backtrack again. "Sorry, I didn't--"

"It's okay." He interjected. "Also, you said it again."

"What?"

"'Sorry!'" 

"So--" I stopped myself, my nose wrinkled in frustration. Damnit! I've never realized how much I say it! "It's a habit, okay?"

Kevin chortled at me in amusement before getting back to the question at hand. "Jimmy’s my brother. Everyone knows him around here because he plays hockey. Dude was able to make it in the majors.”

“That’s pretty cool. I don't know much about hockey…"

Kevin gasped. "Whaaaat?”

“I know! I’m a terrible Canadian!” I confessed. “Do you play hockey as well?” 

“Yeah… well, I used to.” Kevin’s body language changed. His usual confident, strong posture suddenly slouched forward and he hid his hands in the pockets of his jacket. “I was gonna make it big, like my brother. I got drafted but decided to keep playing for the college. Then during my junior year, I lost focus on school and hockey and ended up getting injured. It kind of went downhill from there once I found out the four surgeries on my leg did nothing…”

“Wow, I--that really...sucks.” I was unable to think of anything else to say other than, ‘I’m sorry.’ At this point, the term had lost all meaning, which is unfortunate because I do feel remorse for him. It struck a chord inside of me to hear the shakiness in his voice, trying to explain how he had to give up his only passion in life and hitting rock bottom. 

“It’s all good. Everything sorta worked out in the end. I got my undergrad, and I’m almost done my graduate program which even surprises me some days. Life does work in mysterious ways.” He let out a light chuckle, but I could still see the sadness wavering in his eyes. It made me want to comfort him, maybe find other ways to try and resonate with his situation so he didn’t feel so alone. The only thing I could think of was moving away far from home; feeling isolated and afraid in a new environment, but getting a fresh start to reinvent myself and to leave the past behind. Instead, I remained hushed.

Kevin stopped on the sidewalk beside a white Chevrolet Equinox, pulling out his keys to unlock his door. “This is me.” 

“Cool. Nice car.” I shuffled from side to side, starting to feel a little chilly. It didn’t help that I was standing in the same spot, feeling torn. I looked towards my dorm in the near distance, then back at Kevin leaning against the passenger side of his SUV. In moments, he was going to get into his car and drive away. Would I see him sooner than next Friday? Probably not. I pass by thousands of faces on campus every day and for the last few weeks, I have tortured myself trying to find his in the crowd. Selfishly, I wanted at least, a few more minutes. 

He could see the uncertainty on my face. “I can walk you to the building, I don’t mind at all.”

“Yeah, sure. Thank you.” 

Kevin locked the doors of his SUV and we began walking on the path again. He asked me about my plans for the weekend. I lied and said hanging out with friends when in reality I will be hiding in my room, eating mini rice cakes and either deep diving on Tumblr or binge-watching Shadowhunters on Netflix. I asked him about his plans; he mentioned visiting family and spending time with his niece. His eyes instantly lit up talking about her. He even grabbed his phone to show me a couple of photos. 

“She’s adorable!” My cheeks hurt from smiling at the picture of Kevin’s niece sitting on his shoulders, pulling his hair while wearing his flat-brimmed hat on her small head.

“Thanks! She’s an awesome kid. Our entire family is pretty close.” He tucked his phone back into his pocket. “Do you get to see your family a lot?”

“Unfortunately, my family is kind of… complicated.” I deeply sighed. “My mother passed away when I was young and I didn’t meet my father until I was eighteen. I haven’t seen him since I left for Boston four years ago. I grew up with my grandmother and my twin sister around. My sister is off travelling the world so much that I never get to see her, and my grandmother used to visit in the summer but she’s getting too old to travel. I finally got the chance to see her in Toronto before the start of the semester. Luckily, she’s staying with one of her sisters so she has someone but sometimes I wish I wasn’t so far away.”

“I’m sure your grandmother knows how much you care for her, no matter how far apart you are,” Kevin assured. “It seems like she raised you to be a wonderful, strong-willed, bright...”

He paused, clearing this throat while his hand reached for the back of his neck. “Beautiful woman…” 

My cheeks were feeling warm from either the alcohol or the way Kevin talks so smoothly. I stared at my feet, nervous to look back up at him to see him admiring me. A soft giggle escaped my mouth. “You’re not so bad yourself, Mister H…” I murmured.

Once again, we were stopped. This time in front of the entrance to Sawyer Hall. This time a bit more awkward than the last.

“Well, this is me.” I sniffled, my nose was runny from the cold weather. “Thank you for being my walking buddy.”

“You’re welcome, and thank you for being mine. I guess I’ll see you next Friday.” He placed his hand on my shoulder one last time. “Goodnight, Jane.” Kevin smiled and started the trek back to his car. 

My heart began to flutter out of its cavity as he motioned further away from me. The tiny voice hiding in the corner of my mind was telling me to make him stay. You’re feeling something, don’t deny yourself of it. It may feel wrong at first but eventually, it’s going to feel right. Trust me when I say that I think he can fill the space that has been empty so long. Just do something before it’s too late.

It took me a moment to swallow the lump of anxiety in my throat. My mouth opened but no words formed. Just heavy breathing. The voice was getting impatient. Jane! Do it!

“Wait!” 

Kevin turned around. His signature crooked smile appeared, which made it a bit easier for me to ask...

“Did you want to come in for a bit?”

~ 

The sunlight is burning my retinas. How is it doing that when my eyes are CLOSED? I slowly opened them to prevent myself from going blind. Immediately, the room was spinning despite laying down in a stationary position. 

“Ugh, make it stop,” I groaned to myself. It felt like a never-ending spinning teacup ride. I attempted to adjust myself from facing the morning sun glaring through the window but felt something heavy on top of me. I must have fallen asleep reading my textbook--HOLY SHIT, WHOSE ARM IS THAT?!

I panicked, rolling out from under the mysterious limb and out of bed, hitting the floor with a loud THUD. “Ow!” I winced. Ignoring the pain all over my body, I stretched my neck to peek over the bed. There was Kevin, the Sociology TA, passed out in my bed. 

“OH MY GOD!” I mouthed the words because if I hysterically shrieked right now the entire building would be waking up. 

How did he end up HERE? IN MY BED? SLEEPING BESIDE ME? What even happened last night? The only thing I remember is being walked back to my dorm and asking him to come inside but for only a little bit! I didn't mean, 'Hey! Let's have a slumber party!' 

I carefully got off of the floor and immediately noticed the empty bottle of Jaxon's vodka on my bedside table, along with two glasses. So I now know the culprit behind my temporary memory loss, as well as the reason as to why I now have a massive headache that just hit me like a tonne of bricks. Luckily the spinning has stopped but my head feels so heavy it wants to roll off of my shoulders. 

I had to lay back down, hoping it would help with my headache and possibly with regaining a bit of my sanity. I positioned myself on the very edge of the bed, as stiff and straight as possible. I have a full-size mattress, and a majority of the surface space was currently being occupied by a handsome acquaintance. It was weird; I got scared to look over in his direction just in case he woke up and saw me staring at him. I didn’t want him to think I was being an absolute creep. However, maybe he wouldn't have accepted the invitation in the first place if he thought I was a creep. My body finally relaxed and I turned onto my side, watching Kevin sleep...

Yup, this is creepy. I need to wake him up. I sat up and lightly poked at his side. 

“Kevin…” I whispered, no answer. I tried poking him again. He moved away, a small giggle coming from his closed lips. Did I…Did I just tickle him? This time I grabbed his arm and shook him. “Kev, wake up!” my voice a bit louder. Nothing. I finally gave up being delicate, sucker-punching him in the arm. “DUDE! WAKE UP!"

“WHAT THE F--” He lunged forward, reaching for his arm but then quickly throwing his hands over his forehead and eyes. “AHH! Why is it so bright in here? And why did you wake me up like that?”

"Remember? I'm the mean Canadian," I quipped back with a smirk. "To be honest, that's all I can remember from last night."

"Really? From half a glass of vodka?" Kevin squinted at me, struggling to fully open his eyes to face the dreaded morning light. 

"Yeah... I'm a pretty bad lightweight. The last time I got blackout drunk like this was my eighteenth birthday, and let's just say horrible and embarrassing mistakes were made." I only ate cake off of my sister's outfit, threw up on my best friend's shoes, and threw a girl into a swimming pool. There's more but I rather not go into full detail.

"Well, I can tell you that you weren't embarrassing last night. All we did was hang out and watch a movie." He scooted closer to me on the bed, placing his hand on my thigh. His fingers spread, a few of them grazing the sensitive skin on the inside of my leg. My heart was beating at a rapid rate, I held my breath so the smell of alcohol wasn't apparent. 

"What I can say is that you were funny. You were full of witty comebacks and jokes and your smile when you laugh is gorgeous and contagious..." His hand slid up to the side of my waist, pulling himself even closer to me. His upper body lightly pressed against mine. I leaned back against the headboard of my bed. 

"You're good at the complimenting game," I blushed. His eyes were fully open, the light in the room glistening off of the blueness of his irises like a disco ball. His brown hair was tousled from his sleep, I couldn't help but run my fingers through it to fix it. "Your hair was bothering me," I admitted, bashfully breaking eye contact. 

"Oh, I'm sorry!" He playfully mocked, using a stereotypical Canadian accent. I rolled my eyes, landing a light jab on his chest.

"Nobody talks like that!" I laughed. 

"Sorry!" He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. "Sorry about that, too!" I continued to laugh. His hand brushed against my cheek and placed it just under the side of my jaw. The giggling faded away once I could see his eyes intensely studying my lips. My hands travelled to the back of his neck, our faces so close that I nuzzled my nose along the side of his.

"I’m S--"

"Don’t say it, you dork..." My lips parted, waiting for his to connect to mine…

BANG! BANG! BANG!

“JANE!” A loud muffled voice screamed from the outside of my room, on the verge of breaking my door down. 

Ugggggh, my roommate. I decided to ignore it, focusing my attention on Kevin. I leaned in again, our lips seconds away from making contact. BANG! BANG! 

“I KNOW YOU’RE UP! DON’T IGNORE ME!”

I groaned, crossing my eyes in absolute irritation. I got up from my bed and stomped over to the door, opening it a quarter of the way. I caught the fist of my roommate Gina, who was about to pound on my door for the third time.

“What?” I hissed. 

“Good Morning! Is your booty call still here?” She asked, her arms crossing in front of her chest and nostrils flaring.

“Yes, and he’s not a booty call! He’s…” Don’t say he’s your teacher, and he’s not exactly your friend either. “He’s Kevin.”

“Ah, I see.” She was so mad, I could see the vein in her forehead twitching. “Did you forget that we had an agreement? No boys in the room?”

“Gina, relax. Nothing happened.” Her voice was ringing in my ears. I held my temples in agony. “And could you keep your voice down? I have a headache.”

“And I barely got any sleep last night because all I could hear was the two of you making noise in your room. Did you forget how thin these walls are? You know I--” Gina’s lecture was quickly cut off by the sight of Kevin standing behind me, fully opening the door. “Whoa… you are a GIANT!” 

“Uh, thank you?” Kevin looked at Gina perplexed. I saw that he had his jacket and book bag in tow.

“Heading out?” There was a bit of disappointment in the tone of my voice.

“Yeah, I didn’t realize what time it was and I’m supposed to be at my parent’s house in the next few hours.”

“Oh, yeah. I’ll walk you to the door.” I pushed past Gina while Kevin politely excused himself around her. I overheard him tell Gina that it was nice to meet her.

“You never did meet me,” She scoffed, walking away to sit on the couch in the living area. Behind her back, I was mimicking the actions of what it would be like to choke her. 

“Is she always like that?” Kevin asked quietly as he approached me by the door. 

“No. Most of the time she is a delight, but break one rule of the roommate agreement and suddenly she is the spawn of Satan…” I opened the door for him and he stood out in the hallway.

Here we were again. Another goodbye. This time, I couldn’t stop him from leaving even though I wanted to. 

“Thanks for having me over. I had fun.” Kevin stood in front of me, smiling.

"Me too." An automatic response; I forgot for a moment that I sniffed the cap of the vodka bottle and transported through time to this morning. "I mean, from what I can remember I guess…" I chuckled.

We said our final goodbyes and he made his way down the hallway to the elevator. He waved to me before getting in, my heart sinking as the elevators door shut. The thought of sprinting down the staircase and beating the elevator to the lobby came to mind. All because I wanted a couple more seconds with him. No, I shouldn't. My crush on my TA was starting to get a little obsessive; I was being greedy. I managed to gain a mild sense of self-control and walked back into my dorm, where my bitch of a roommate was waiting, sitting on her pile of pompous remarks.

“I would be careful if I were you,” She warned while chewing on a Pop-Tart. “He looks like a huge player. I could smell the Frat Boy on him from a mile away.”

“Stop concerning yourself with my shit, Gina.” I bit back defensively, heading back to my room and slamming the door shut.

“Well don’t come crying to me when you realized you made a mistake!”

For the first time in a long time, the hole that was left in my heart by an old flame was being filled by someone new. It was exciting and scary all at once, and because of this all of my emotions are extremely fragile. Of course, I took Gina’s words to heart, they were echoing in my head louder than any other moment I had with Kevin last night. Every little good feeling was eviscerated by my doubt, and I couldn’t help but wonder... 

What if I am making a mistake?


	2. PART TWO

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jane takes a misstep with her relationship with Kevin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:  
> \- It gets a bit spicy at the end.  
> \- There's drinking, self-doubt, uncertainty, and a bag of Doritos involved in this part.
> 
> Notes:  
> \- [Based off of this Tumblr post about the Winnipeg Jets](https://martieblogsstuff.tumblr.com/post/184261195070/where-does-one-major-in-loving-the-jets)  
> \- [Check Out The Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2riVXp4RVMtdvmlhjX0Ggp?si=PS0YIYtAT1mF65qDYjm3Og)  
> \- Female OC Jane Doe is inspired by another OC from an original work I am working on. If you're curious [check it out here](https://www.wattpad.com/story/123351667-plain-jane)

_Tuesday._

It was decided. The way that I had felt about Kevin was nothing but a temporary, obsessive infatuation. 

The rush of overwhelming emotion that blurred my mind a few nights ago had dissipated and I could finally see clarity. I had a total lapse in my judgement and shouldn't have jeopardized my college career over the dumb decision of asking my attractive teacher to spend the night in my dorm. I should have never gotten drunk with him, let him sleep in my bed, or almost make out with him. To be frank, I blame my hormonal lady parts for being solely responsible for my actions that night.

In my mind, It made sense to end it. We keep it professional and call it off before anyone gets hurt. Before stronger feelings begin to develop. I had the decision permanently etched inside my mind like it was written into freshly poured cement...

I will not fall for Kevin Hayes. 

Just as I came to this realization, my phone almost vibrated off my bedside table. It was a text message… coincidentally from Kevin. 

"Hey. We need to talk." 

Simple and to the point. I didn't feel the need to question him about it. If he was thinking the same thing I was thinking, then it makes this decision a hell of a lot easier. All I asked for was the time and place.

A few hours later and here I am, sitting in the coffee shop located down the street from the college waiting for him to arrive. I sat forward in my chair, the tip of my toes touching the floor and my legs anxiously bouncing around. The earl grey tea in the tall ceramic mug was warming my chilled fingers and calming my nerves. 

Why was I nervous? I honestly had no clue. I had already decided how I felt about Kevin, nothing was going to change that. I only showed up to tell him how I feel; I wanted to keep it strictly platonic. Just friends, or distance ourselves just like a typical teacher-student relationship.

It should be easy, right?

"Jane!" I looked behind me in the direction of the voice to see Kevin walking down a spiral staircase in the corner of the cafe. He looked exhausted; his cheeks were beet red and I could see his chest falling as he tried to catch his breath. Sweat was dripping from his brow, to which he grabbed the bottom of his white long-sleeve shirt and pulled it up to wipe the perspiration away. The sight of his slightly exposed abdomen made me suck in a breath, exhaling through my nose with my teeth biting into my bottom lip. The warm and fuzzy feeling started in my chest and slithered into the pit of my stomach.

Do not change your mind.

He walked past my chair, his hand lightly brushing across my back. The tingly sensation was so strong it almost felt uncomfortable to sit or think straight. My brain was on the verge of malfunctioning once I looked up to see him sitting in front of me, a crooked smirk spreading across his face.

"Hey," he pulled the chair closer to the table, brushing his fingers through his damp hair afterwards.

"Uhh, hey…" I struggled to speak, my body still having aftershocks. Once I was able to shake it off, I pointed towards the ceiling. "What were you doing up there?" 

Like the goof that he is, Kevin looked up at the ceiling obliviously. In moments, his brain switched back on. 

"Oh!" He chuckled. "I rent the loft upstairs. I'm sorry if I kept you waiting, I lost track of time while I was working out and just got out of the shower."

Thoughts, not-safe-for-work images begin swirling around in my mind. Focus, Jane…

"It's all gOod…" my voice cracked, and instantly my cheeks felt flushed. I coughed to cover up the slip. "So, how was your weekend?"

"It was great!" I studied the way he gently scratched the side of his jaw when he talked. "Hung out with family, spent a lot of time with my niece. She's got quite the creative mind…"

"Oh?" 

Kevin lightly chuckled. "Yeah, she loves to colour but not on paper…" 

"What do you mean--"

Kevin lifts the right sleeve of his shirt showing off his muscular forearm, covered in colourful drawings. "Didn't realize she was using permanent markers until she finished. I've been trying to scrub it off for the last two days."

"Oh wow, that's lovely." I admired the dog that was drawn in brown sharpie on the side of Kevin's arm. Or maybe it was a cat with its triangle ears, sausage-shaped body, and sticks for limbs. I beamed looking at the words, 'UNKLE KEV IS CCOL!' written across his arm in preschool scribbling. "Looks like you got the next great tattoo artist on your hands! All she needs now is a steady hand and to shade within the lines."

"She has the imagination and talent for it." Kevin put his sleeve back down. "But if she comes near me with a needle, she's grounded!"

I giggled, looking into the empty mug to see the loose tea leaves in an odd formation at the bottom. As much as I wanted our happy banter to continue, I know that he texted me for a reason. I shouldn’t delay it any longer. “...so what did you want to talk to me about?”

“Right...I kind of forgot about that for a sec…” He rubbed the back of his neck and I could feel his legs shaking under the table. He was nervous too. His eyes were shifty, unable to keep contact with mine. 

“Well, umm…” His words were mumbled into one big mushy monologue. “I thought about this over the weekend and it was something I really had to think long and hard about but uhhh… You are an awesome girl. You're super smart and funny and… pretty, like really pretty. I know we’re in this awkward situation where you're one of my students and I'm your teacher or whatever, even though I'm technically a student too. Uhh...”

He stopped for a second, trying to collect his thoughts. “What I’m trying to say is that I think we have a really strong connection, and I don't want this to come off awkward or weird but-- ”

“Kevin,” I stopped him, afraid he was going to sprain his tongue or pop a blood vessel trying to figure out what to say. I had to do it myself, just get it over with and rip off the band-aid. “I get it. I know what you're going to say. It's kind of funny because I was going to talk to you about the same thing.”

“Really?” His big round blue eyes lit up.

“Yeah. Everything happened so fast that I didn’t have the chance to fully think things through. I don’t want anything between us affecting your work or my schooling…” It felt like venom was crawling up my throat. The words I was about to say were going to sting coming out, leaving a horrible taste in my mouth. “I just think that maybe we should keep it...professional. ”

‘“Oh...” Kevin sat up straight, taking his fidgeting hands off of the table and reaching for the back of his head. His eyes starting to dart around the room, avoiding me at all costs. He was suddenly quiet, clearing his voice as he fumbled with his words once more. “Yeah, you’re probably right. I was pretty much thinking the same thing, but what you said sounded much better. We don't need to complicate things any further..."

Shit. My words were a sudden blow to his face. It was like being slapped with an open palm at such a force that he would have fallen backwards out of his chair and gotten whiplash. I wasn't expecting his initial reaction. I thought we were on the same page but I was completely wrong. We were on opposite sides of this unknown spectrum.

"Are you okay with that? I mean, we can still be friends, right?" My voice wavered. 

"Yeah… yeah, of course. It's all good." His voice trailed off. "It's not like we were a big deal or anything..."

We both became silent. The quiet folk music playing in the cafe suddenly became deafening, drowning out the thoughts in my mind. I finally caught a glimpse of Kevin’s face and my heart tensed up. The tiny glimmer of sadness in his wide eyes and the way he was trying to keep the muscles in his face from frowning by sucking on the inside of his mouth. What I thought would have been a weight lifted off of my shoulders was now compressing onto my chest, my back. My entire body ached. 

I needed to get out of here. I got up from my seat, my legs trembling so much it was hard to stand up straight. 

“I'm gonna go. I’ll see you in class…” My mouth was dry, my voice weak. All he did was a nod and give a quick wave goodbye. I grabbed my coat and headed for the exit in what felt like a sprint. As soon as I was outside and the crisp evening air hit my face, I let out a painful groan. 

I’ve never been in this position before, to be the one to let someone know that it wasn’t going to work out. I thought it was going to be easy; it always seemed like it was for the ones that have hurt me in the past. But my empathy got the best of me, and now I feel nothing but utter disappointment in myself. All I could think about on the cold walk home was how he went from smiling at me with that dopey look on his face to not being able to look me in the eye. 

Call it off, before stronger feelings develop…

I think I was too late.

~

_Thursday._

The last few days have sucked. Not only did I still feel like a gigantic asshole for how things went down with Kevin that night (and dreading tomorrow’s class,) but I am now facing the consequences for my actions. 

First, I got sick after walking home in the cold from the cafe. It’s the usual coughing and sneezing that I can manage well with lozenges, a jumbo value pack of Kleenex, and overdosing on cough medicine. 

Second, I almost missed a midterm for my Psychology course this morning after guzzling a bottle of Nyquil the night before and sleeping in. Luckily, I got to my class just as the professor was handing out the tests but got lectured afterwards for showing up in pyjamas. 

Finally, and this is the most torturous of everything that has happened within the last few days, I cannot get away from seeing Kevin! I went from not being able to pick his face out in a crowd of thousands to finding him EVERYWHERE AROUND CAMPUS!

I go to the library, he’s there studying. I go to get something to eat in the dining hall, he’s sitting there with his friends eating a stupid sandwich. I’m walking home from class, I see him in his SUV. I’m walking to class, he’s in the hallway talking to other TAs. I have to use the bathroom after my midterm, he’s by the door I have to enter. I ended up having to run to the other side of the building to PEE!

One place that I know I won't seeing him (ever again) is my bedroom, which is where I plan to stay until I have to leave for class. Gina already tried to force me out of my hermit hole earlier, barging into my room without knocking or asking for permission to enter.

“I’m going to Party City to look at Halloween costumes with a couple of people from my Linguistics lab. You wanna come?” It went over my head that Gina had asked me nicely to tag along, but I was too invested in my YouTube queue to notice.

“Nope.” I bluntly replied, staring at the screen of my laptop watching someone’s gameplay of Minecraft. There was nothing more relaxing than watching somebody else use a diamond pickaxe to break cubes of dirt. 

Gina left without notice, leaving my door wide open. As soon as I heard the apartment door slam shut, I got out of bed and went to the kitchen. If she’s gonna leave my door open, I’m going to eat her snacks out of spite. I went into the pantry and grabbed the bag of Sweet Chili Heat Doritos sitting on the top shelf. I opened the fridge and found a bottle of red wine I had hiding in the chill box. I can't stand the taste of red wine, neither can Gina. That's why I prefer to buy it over white wine. 

I walked back to my room and plopped down onto my bed in front of my laptop, continuing my YouTube binge session for the next few hours. I inhaled half of the Doritos and drank the entire bottle of wine. It tastes like a dehydrated bundle of rotting fruit. It was disgusting, but it did the job of giving me a buzz. It also makes me drowsy, and in no time I had passed out sideways on my bed, the sound of my computer fading into the distance. 

The first thing I dreamt about was his eyes. Big, blue, bright. They were filled with lustful fervour as they stared right into my soul. Next came his hands. The slightest touch from his fingertips sending shivers down my spine, holding me in his arms and pulling me closer into his chest. My hands reached for his neck, tip-toeing to touch the hair on the back of his head. His face appeared as his hands cradled mine, leaning in close enough that our cheeks caressed one another. My head fell back and I felt his lips on the side of my jaw, making his way down my neck to my collar bone. Each kiss intensified, my hands pulling at his hair each time. He picked me up to look him in the eyes. My lips barely touched his when he tossed me onto a bed. I lay on my back, ready to feel his body on top of mine. I try to reach for him but instead, he just stood above me, his stupid crooked smirk on his face. 

All of a sudden, his brow furrowed. He was furious with me. What did I do wrong? Out of nowhere, A high-pitched squeal woke me from my sleep.

"YOU ATE MY FUCKING DORITOS!?" 

The moment my eyes opened the half-empty bag of Doritos was whipped at my face and small chip fragments exploded out of the bag. 

“What the--Gina are you serious?!” I exclaimed, grabbing my nose in agony while examining the obliterated pieces of sweet spicy heat scattered across my periwinkle comforter. “Jesus Christ!”

“Don’t use the Lord’s name in vain!” She attempted to lecture me, resting her hands on her hips. I gawked at her, shocked that she would even try to turn it around on ME! The nerve of that PRUDE!

“Well maybe if you respect the PRIVACY OF OTHERS ONCE IN A WHILE--” I stopped, preventing myself from turning into a raging lunatic and jumping off of the bed to put her into a sleeper hold. I gritted my teeth. “...Just get out!” 

Gina grabbed her now empty bag of chips before walking out of my room, once again leaving the door wide open. “YOU OWE ME!” She yelled from the other side of the apartment. 

I got up to slam my door shut and grabbed the mini trash bin beside my desk. I don’t owe her shit. If I can’t get the orange chip dust washed off of my comforter, she is going to owe me!

It took longer than expected to clean up. I had to pick up every little crumb and flick it into the bin, as well as removing my sheets and comforter to shake the excess particles off. The process was infuriating; I was half asleep and my nose was swollen and throbbing. I finished putting my bed back together and began making a mental note to get a lock for my door. I wonder if there is such a thing as a fancy pin pad that shocks people every time they enter the wrong combination. That would come in handy…

I loudly sighed as I flopped onto the mattress and looked at the screen of my laptop for the time. 3:24 AM. Early Friday morning. In less than fourteen hours, I would be sitting in a classroom being taught sociological theories by a man I just had a soft-core porn dream about.

Speaking of which, that dream was… whoa. Even as I try to fall back asleep, I close my eyes and see him. The dream was on replay, my subconscious showcasing it in small fragments while splicing in real-life memories. It recalled short but significant moments, like the little quirks of his that made me laugh during class or the conversation we had the night he walked me home or the morning after. The last memory that came to mind before I dozed off was him leaning on his car and the anxiety I felt as he was about to leave. I wanted him to stay with me, just a little bit longer…

I woke up hours later, my stomach in knots and feeling indecisive more than ever. I already had a headache; My exhausted mind felt like it had gone through a labyrinth made up of my thoughts, second-guessing every twist and turn that I took over the last few days. I saw my reflection in the mirror from across the room, peeling myself away from my bed to get a closer look. I couldn't help but laugh at myself in self-deprecation. As if I didn't already feel like it, I looked, for lack of a better word, like shit. Dark bags formed underneath my eyes, my cheeks were puffy from drinking, and there was slight bruising on my nose from the bag of Doritos.

It was hard enough trying to mentally prepare for today over the last 48 hours but now it feels like I'm being punished. It's absolutely karma. All because I made the mistake of letting someone go. Someone that could have been good for me… Unfortunately, I'm only starting to realize that now.

I will not fall for Kevin Hayes… 

Yeah...Too late.

~

At the moment, I wanted to be anywhere but here, staring down the big red door that leads into my Pop Culture class. I would rather be back at my dorm. No scratch that, I would rather be back in Canada, far away from school in Boston. However, I didn't put on makeup or style my hair or find a nice sweater-skirt combination to wear just to stay in the comforts of my room. I needed to show that I was able to adjust to the change. Like I said before, keep things professional. I was the one who decided to end things after all, even though I was starting to regret it now. 

It was almost 6:00, there was no more time to contemplate whether or not to open the door. I had to walk in, put on a smile and pretend that everything was… okay.

Everything is going to be okay, right?

I twisted the door handle and headed into the classroom. I was looking down at my feet but as soon as I lifted my head, my eyes met his. It wasn't a surprise that I was going to see him, but I was still startled by his presence. I felt my body jump in place then immediately tense up. 

He was sitting on the desk at the front of the class, his hands lay flat on the wooden surface. On the outside, he looked good. He was wearing a white dress shirt with a light bomber jacket over top and slim black jeans. As for what he felt on the inside I didn't know; There was no emotion. Not a single eyebrow twitch or a small smirk. Just a couple of blinks and then he looked away. It was a quick acknowledgement that only lasted a few seconds but it had devastated me.

I walked past my usual spot at the front of the class, finding a desk in the back corner. I was so anxious I started to sweat. My cheeks were burning up, they were probably the same colour as my burgundy sweater. I probably look like a hot mess; I feel like one. 

As soon as class started, I kept my eyes on my computer screen, scared to make eye contact again with Kevin. 

"Alright…" I overheard him greet the class. He didn't sound like his usual self. There was no enthusiasm in his voice, the tone was more apathetic than anything. "Let's just jump right into it…"

He didn't introduce the topic we were about to learn about or start a class discussion on what we thought about the assigned reading. He usually does that stuff. Instead, the first thing he did was play a video from the Philip DeFranco Show. During the ten minute segment of Philly D discussing body image in the advertising industry, Kevin left the class for six of them. He usually stays to watch. I wonder where he went.

I was typing out some points from the video when I felt a quick tap on my shoulder. I turned my head to the side and saw Jaxon, the inebriated Jager Boy from the week before. He was holding a tray of tiny plastic cups.

"Yo. Tobey brought Jell-O shots," he whispered, trying to hand off the tray to me. "Take a few and pass them on." 

I knew for a fact that alcohol wasn’t going to help with my nerves, but fuck it. I grabbed three shots and handed them to the student in front of me. I sucked the Jell-O out of the cups with ease. It was an odd flavour combination of cherry and lime with whiskey. Not only did it taste gross, but I forgot for a moment that I hated the slimy texture of Jell-O. I gagged while swallowing the shot while Jaxon laughed at me. 

“That is gross!” I coughed. The aftertaste was worse. I could feel my stomach already plotting revenge.

“He was supposed to add Coke in the mix but totally forgot!” He snickered. “It’s not that bad!”

This coming from the guy who drank half a bottle of vodka to himself last week. Speaking of…

“You got anything else?” I asked sticking my tongue out, looking towards Jaxon’s bag. “I need to get rid of this taste!”

“You gonna tell on me, teacher’s pet?” Seriously? My head tilted to the side, eyes narrowing. For some reason, all I could do was focus on his big rectangular nose.

“Would I be sitting next to you if I didn’t want to have fun?” I lied. I didn’t even realize he was sitting there when I first got to my desk. He fell for it, reaching into his bag and revealing a tall, suspicious thermos. I was already regretting my decision, looking at the thermos with concern. “What’s in there?” 

“It’s called a Blue Lagoon.” Jaxon opened the thermos and showed me the bright blue cocktail inside. “It’s vodka, lemonade and there's supposed to be curacao but I only had a packet of blue raspberry Kool-Aid in my dorm.”

Considering the last time I consumed vodka and could barely remember what happened the night before, I was hesitant. I was about to change my mind when the door opened and Kevin walked back in. Without even thinking about the consequences, I swiped the thermos from Jaxon’s hand and chugged half of the cocktail down. 

You would think a Blue Lagoon would taste fruity and sweet. When I first heard the name I imagined myself sitting oceanside at a five-star resort with a cabana boy fanning me down and handing me the drink in a hollowed-out pineapple. However, this was the complete opposite, much worse than the Jell-O shot. 

The blue raspberry taste was bitter from the Kool-Aid that is supposed to be mixed with water and sugar. There was so much vodka that my throat was burning and I was worried that the next sentence I would speak was going to be in Russian. The lemon taste made my cheeks suck in, my lips pucker, and my teeth go numb! The expectation was nothing like the reality; it tasted like the equivalent of wading in a kiddie pool filled with garbage and getting lemons shoved down my throat. 

“Oh my God…” I could barely speak, my right eyelid twitched uncontrollably. I passed the thermos back to Jaxon. “That is… so nasty!”

It wasn't long after that I started to feel the effects of the so-called Blue Lagoon. At first, I had a good buzz going on. There was a warm feeling in my belly, which made me happy. Any negative thoughts I had in my mind had disappeared, that made me even more happy. I felt relaxed, lounging in my uncomfortable chair. I didn’t have a care in the world! I couldn’t stop smiling, I wanted to giggle so much!

Like, why did I put myself in such a ridiculous predicament? Why didn’t I just give myself a chance with Kevin? He’s a great guy! I mean, he seems a little dumb but he is really smart and nice, and hot--Oh my GOD, he is fiiiiiine! Like his arms? I Love His ARMS! But of course, I’m an idiot! Putting school first. I've been doing that for the last four YEARS! I didn't have any sort of fun throughout my entire college career. This is the most fun I've had; getting drunk in class that is being taught by a hot God of a teacher. Then again, he’s not a teacher, he’s still a student. It would have been a student-student relationship. Why the hell was I so worried. Haha, Jesus… I screwed up. I AM AN IDIOT! And now, he won’t even look me in the eye and I still have feelings for him. Like, really strong feelings that I am trying to repress but it’s NOT WORKING! 

Holy shit, I think I’m wasted? What was in that drink? The notes on my document were starting to look like I was writing in a foreign language. I don’t think I can type anymore, my fingers can’t fing! The screen is making my eyes hurt too, this is dumb! I have no idea what is even happening in class right now after my brain just went on that huge tangent. I’ll just listen. Kevin’s voice sounds like butter, it’s nice. It makes listening fun…

Wait, why is everybody getting up from their seats? I looked at the time on my screen and holy crap, it was already 7:30! Where did the time go? I couldn’t help but giggle out loud about it. Why am I so giggly?! 

“How are you feeling?” I looked back at Jaxon. His nose is biiiig. I hope I didn’t say that out loud, hahaha…

I stared at him blankly, a teethy smile smeared across my face (is teethy even a word?)

“I need to pee. I’ll be back!” I got up from my seat and slowly walked up to the front. Jane, be cool. Ask-ct sober… even though your feet feel super wobbly and all you want to do is stare at Kevin, which is what I'm doing right now… I’m just standing here, looking at him. He doesn’t notice me, that makes me kind of sad…

Okay, I really need to pee, like now!

I wobbled out to the hallway and down to the women’s bathroom, straight into the first open stall. Why did I think it was a good idea to wear stockings? It was taking so long to pull them down I almost peed myself. As soon as they were off I threw them into the small garbage compartment beside the toilet. I don’t need them anymore, they would take too long to put back on anyways. 

As I was finishing relieving myself, I heard the door open and two sets of footsteps approach the sinks. I get pee shy when there are other people in the bathroom. I decided to stay in the stall until the left. Honestly, I wished I would have finished up sooner.

They started talking.

“So...?” 

“So what?” I recognized the voices, they belonged to the two girls that I used to sit in front of. The second voice was the one who called Kevin a 'snack' on that fateful first night.

“You were talking to Kevin when I walked in before class. Did you invite him to the party?” 

“Maybe…” The second voice giggled. I honestly could not remember what their names were. In my drunken stupor, the first pairing that came to mind was Ren and Stimpy. Instead of looking like weird cartoon dogs, they were normal human sorority sisters.

“What did he say?” Stimpy asked.

“He said, ‘Maybe’ but the look in his eyes said, ‘Hell Yes!” He’s not going to turn down a Greek party.” Ren explained. “I heard back in his undergrad days, he was like a rockstar in the college party scene. Apparently, he fucks like one too...”

“OoooH! Are you going to try to grab the big bull by his big horn tonight?” 

“You know I am! I am going to ride that stallion until he can’t buck anymore!” The girls giggled as they left the bathroom. As soon as I heard the door close, I opened the stall and walked towards the sink to wash my hands. 

I glanced up for a second and caught my reflection in the mirror. That euphoric buzzed feeling had vanished and I suddenly started to question my self-worth. Am I pretty? My mind had reverted to its high school demeanour, when all of my sister’s friends teased me, destroying my confidence and self-esteem. They used to call me Plain Jane because I constantly wore wrinkly hoodies and always had my hair up in a messy bun. They were all pretty too, just like Ren and Stimpy. They were all prettier than me. 

Why am I suddenly crying? I’m sobbing in front of the sink, my hands still under the lukewarm water. My mascara wasn’t waterproof; it ran down my cheeks, leaving thin black stains on my face. 

I think it just hit me. I was going to lose him, and it was my fault. I ended things with him and now he has the opportunity to be with someone else. I was jealous of her, angry with myself, upset about the whole situation. I cried harder, my thoughts had become so overwhelming that I felt dizzy. Just thinking back to the dream I had about the two of us and it manifesting itself with someone that wasn't me. His hands, his lips, his body entangled with another woman. I felt nauseous thinking about it…

Crap, I’m going to be sick. I sprinted to the bigger stall, falling in front of the toilet just in time to let everything out. I hate throwing up, then again I think everybody does but I detest it. I especially hate when chunks expel out of my nose and the burning feeling of bile in my throat afterwards. Luckily, it was nothing but bright blue liquid. Blue Lagoon, more like Blue Swamp. Yuck. It was worse coming up than it was going in, and it smells like a rotting lemon. I grab some toilet paper to wipe my mouth and flushed the toilet. The room was spinning so much, my eyeballs were about to roll out of my skull.

I rested my head up against the stainless steel partition, pulling my knees into my chest and staring up at the fluorescent lights until my lids became heavy. Maybe a little bit of rest will help…

“Jane?” I heard a knock on the stall door, waking me up from my light slumber. The spinning had stopped but my head felt heavy. I glanced over to the door and thought my eyes were playing tricks on me. I instantly recognized the bright blue eyes, peering at me through the crack. It was Kevin. He swung the door open. “Are you okay?” 

“Yeah, I’m fine. I felt sick.” I croaked, I could still feel that burning sensation in my throat. God, this is so embarrassing. I hope I don't smell like throw-up. I got up from the floor too quick and lost my balance, stumbling over my feet. Kevin rushed into the stall and caught me before I fell back down. Landing into his chest, it was hard but soft at the same time. I could hear his heart beating as I awkwardly grabbed onto his arms to pull myself up.

“Are you sure?” His eyes had a glimmer of worry in them. I regained my posture, pushing the hair out of my face and readjusting my skirt. 

“I just need a couple of minutes. I'll be right out." I softly sighed, the words struggling to come out. Once he left I sauntered over to the sink, rinsed my mouth with tap water and wiped the remaining make-up off of my face. I'm not sure if it was from the murky off-white lighting in the bathroom or from being sick but I look pale. The bruising on my nose had transitioned into a light shade of purple, still sensitive to the touch. 

I was afraid to walk back into the classroom and possibly be met with judgmental glances from my pupils; I was afraid to see the lustful expression on the face of the woman that was in the bathroom earlier; I was afraid to once again see the look of disappointment on Kevin's face that made my guilty heartache. As much as I wanted to stay here, I had to leave and face the music. I lightly splashed my face a couple more times before leaving for the classroom. As soon as I opened the door, I immediately noticed the unoccupied desks. They all left. Kevin was waiting for me by his desk, a bottle of orange flavoured Gatorade in his hand. 

"Picked it up at the vending machine for you." He offered the drink to me. "Figured it would help with your stomach."

"Thank you." My tiny fingers grazed the top of his big masculine hand when I took the bottle from him. I was surprised that he did that for me, despite everything. "Where did everybody go?"

"I ended class early." Kevin picked his bag off the chair and gathered his things. "I saw that your stuff was still here and went looking for you." 

"Oh…you didn’t have to, but thanks..." I stumbled my words while fidgeting with the lid of the bottle. I was embarrassed for wasting his time, especially if he possibly had somewhere to be. My curiosity got the best of me. If I was sober and acting like my usual meek self, I would have moved on from the subject. However, I was still in my intoxicated daze. My inquisitiveness increased tenfold. Of course, I had to open my mouth.

"Are you going to that sorority party?" I tensed up, scared to know what the answer was. Kevin looked up at me, a little bemused that I had known about it. "I didn't mean to eavesdrop but I had overheard some girls in the bathroom talking about it."

"Uhh…" He lightly chuckled. His lips were then sucked into his mouth as if he was thinking of how to respond without hurting my feelings. "It was mentioned to me, but I'm not planning on going."

Every muscle in my body stopped clenching. I was relieved but still puzzled. "So why did you do it?" 

Kevin zipped up his bag, pulling the strap over his shoulder, his head mildly shaking. "I let everybody go because I didn't feel like teaching tonight..."

I took a deep breath before asking. "Is it because of me?" 

He didn't answer. Instead, he folded his arms in front of his chest. "Why did you sit in the back? Was it because of me?" The tone of his voice was a little stern. 

"Well, yeah…" The words slipped out of my loose lips, blame it on the liquid courage. “You wouldn’t even look at me when I walked in. Why would I want to sit up at the front?”

“Really?” Kevin cocked his head to the side, rubbing at his brow in disbelief. “What happened to 'let's keep this professional?' You wanted this. What do you expect?”

“I don’t know what I expected, okay?” I exasperated, my voice raising a little. I stomped over to my desk to grab my things, Kevin followed close behind. “I just didn’t realize that I would feel this way afterwards…”

“Feel what way?” He scoffed, his arms shrugged. “On Tuesday, you made it pretty certain how you feel!”

“And now I feel like I have made a mistake because I care about you more than I thought I did!” I slammed my laptop shut and stuffed it into my backpack. I was getting frustrated with this conversation. He had every right to be upset with me but I didn’t want us arguing like this. I took a deep breath to calm myself. I am unable to hold back anymore; I needed to let out the truth. 

“I was trying to convince myself that I didn’t need you because I was scared. I was scared that if I let you in, I was going to lose you just as quick as you came into my life. I was scared about the fact that you somehow filled this oddly shaped hole in my heart so perfectly. A hole that had been empty for so many years, that it was hard to comprehend how you got there. My heart wanted you but my mind was trying to push you away so I was stuck, being pulled in every direction and being given an ultimatum to choose what I want. I originally thought that what we had was temporary so choosing school was the easier option, but the moment I realized I chose wrong is the moment I hurt you.”

“For the last two days, I haven’t stopped thinking about you. I keep seeing you around campus and it’s a painful reminder of what I did. I hear girls talking about you like you’re another name to check off their list and it makes me so mad because I would never want to use you like that. As much as it feels like I’m being punished, it’s making me understand more and more that I…”

My heart was pounding, my fingertips were vibrating, my knees were shaking, my voice quaked as the words came out. “I want to be with you.”

Silence. I had put my heart on the line, and I was met with him staring back at me, unable to read the emotion on his face. I wasn’t sure if he didn’t know what to say or how to react, but the silence had turned into tiny knives stabbing at my eardrums. It hurt, but I guess I had deserved that. I pulled my backpack over my shoulder, looking down at my feet in defeat. I felt a tear roll down my cheek.

“Look, I get it if I’m too late and I’m burdening you with my emotions. I just wanted to let you know--”

I looked up and suddenly Kevin was in front of me, cradling my face in his hands and pressing his lips hard against mine. He kissed me, and then he kissed me again, and again, and again. I felt my soul leave my body and come back in an instant. I should be kissing him back. So I did. His lips were so soft and they made my lips tingle. I kept kissing him. I can't believe I was kissing him. It wasn't a dream. He tasted sweet, like a forbidden fruit. I pulled away for a second just to say,

"I'm sorry." Kevin couldn't help but chuckle. 

"I'm sorry too." His lips lightly pressed on the bridge of my nose and I winced in pain. His eyes got wide with concern once he noticed the bruise. "What happened to your nose?"

"It doesn't matter right now…” I stood on the tip of my toes and resumed kissing him.

I dropped my backpack on the ground, unfazed by the loud THUD of my laptop possibly breaking as I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling on the back of his hair. His hands travelled down my back, stopping to feel the curve of my ass before lifting me onto the nearest desk. I pulled him closer to me by the collar of his dress shirt, my legs spread apart and wrapping around his waist. His hands rested on my thighs, sending an electric shock throughout my body. It made me kiss him harder, opening my mouth to have his tongue intertwined with mine. 

“God, I’ve wanted this so bad.” I thought out loud between kisses. I had a sudden rush of sexual adrenaline, pulling off his bomber jacket and fumbling with the buttons of his shirt. My core was throbbing as I felt his hand sliding up my leg, going under my skirt. I unleashed my mouth from him and he pulled my sweater over my head, exposing my breasts nestled in a lacy black bra. He latched onto my neck, his lips sucking on my skin making me light-headed. I had to close my eyes. 

“You’re so wet…” I could feel his fingers push my panties to the side, rubbing against my slit. I gasped. I wanted him. I wanted him so bad. The moment I felt his fingers enter me and curl I lightly moaned into his ear, placing my hands on his bare chest. My knee lightly brushed up against the outline of his hard cock. I could feel my walls tightening around him as he started to pump. Holy shit, this feels amazing. I was already so close...

However the doubt quickly took over me and I opened my eyes, realizing that we were still in the classroom. Shit, we were going to get caught.

“Wait… Kevin, wait!” I regretfully pushed him away, smiling and out of breath. “We can’t do this here…”

He smiled that stupid crooked smile. I never realized how much I could miss a stupid smile.

“Your place or mine?”


	3. PART THREE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jane and Kevin decide to take it "slow" with their relationship; A surprise guest shows up in Jane's bedroom.
> 
> WARNINGS: Lemons at the beginning, subtle hint in the middle. Also some blood, but MAD SOFT AT THE END! There's also karaoke involved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -[Inspiration for Kevin's loft (made in The Sims 4)](https://martieblogsstuff.tumblr.com/post/186737347770/needed-inspiration-for-an-industrial-type-loft)  
> -[Check Out The Playlist, If you haven't already!](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2riVXp4RVMtdvmlhjX0Ggp?si=PS0YIYtAT1mF65qDYjm3Og)

_Mass Culture--forms of culture that are accessible, widely available, and intended for consumption by as many people as possible…_

It was difficult to concentrate. The words in the textbook weren't making sense. I read the same sentence over and over and over again but my brain wasn't grasping the information. My mind was focused on something else. No, not something but someone. Damn it! Now I couldn't even process my own thoughts correctly! I could barely get through the first paragraph of the chapter without thinking about him and what he was doing to me. I knew this was going to happen. I knew I was going to get distracted by him. 

But I couldn't help it. He was making me see stars in the middle of the day, seeing colours that I didn’t know existed. I was warm but shivering at the same time; goosebumps were forming all over my body. My muscles twitched from the pleasure, the sensation of his touch was going to put me into shock. I was gasping for air, light-headed from the euphoria. What was supposed to be a sigh of frustration came out as a tiny shriek of bliss. 

He knew what he was doing, and it felt fucking fantastic. I tossed my textbook to the other side of the bed and looked down at the man whose bulky arms were wrapped around my thick thighs, his head in between them.

“I’m supposed to be studying for your class, remember?” I moaned, clenching the bed sheet as his tongue moved intricately, devouring me. His five o’clock shadow was rough against my sensitive skin, but it was balanced out by his soft and supple lips.

“I can stop if you want me to?” Kevin’s mumbling vibrated against my core. 

"No! don't!" I protested, my voice fluttering. I combed my fingers through his tousled brown hair. "Keep going, I'm about to come."

Experts say the best way to perform oral sex on a woman is to trace the alphabet in cursive. Along with his sensual kissing and caressing, Kevin was writing epic poetry; his masterpiece evoked provocative thoughts and emotions I wouldn’t dare to think or feel before. The way that he performed his prose with fervour, nurturing and fulfilling my every need. It sent me into a state of sexual delirium.

He grabbed me by the hips and pulled me closer to him, making it impossible to move away from the overstimulating but elated feeling of my climax. Within moments, my body was in a frenzy; my back arched from the pulsating waves of pleasure that ignited throughout, my fingers and toes curling in excitement, eyes rolling back into my head. I released a cry of passion so loud I had to muffle myself with a pillow. My legs were wrapped tight around Kevin’s head. I tried not to smother him to death but it didn’t help that he continued to vigorously engulf my throbbing center. In other words that are not so eloquent…

“Oh my God, you need to stop sucking on my clit!” I squealed, trying to push Kevin’s face away. He pinned my hands to the mattress and proceeded to punish me with his mouth until I squeezed the breath out of his lungs with my thighs. 

“Stop! Can’t breathe…” He wheezed. I immediately loosened my grip and pulled him up for air. His face looked somewhat dazed and the surface of his skin was glistening from...well, my wetness. I sat up on the bed to cradle his face in my hands.

“Are you okay? Did you almost pass out?” I giggled. 

“I could ask you the same thing.” A cocky grin spread across Kevin's face, his eyebrows raised deliberately. "I don’t mean to brag or anything, but it sounded like you really enjoyed it.”

“I mean…It was okay.” I rolled my eyes playfully, trying to make it sound like it wasn’t a big deal. It was more than okay. It was literally mind-blowing. 

“Just ‘okay?’” He chuckled, leaning into the base of my neck where he started a trail of wet kisses that lead up to the side of my jaw. “I can do it again if helps change your opinion?”

I tilted his head to stare into his big baby blue eyes, pressing my lips against his and getting a taste of what he got to indulge in not long ago. 

“As much as I want to take you up on that offer, I still have a reading to finish.” I played with the scruff on his face and gave him a light tap on the cheek before getting out of bed. “Maybe another time, big boy.”  

“What about tonight after class? Your roommate won’t mind, right?” Kevin sat on the edge of his bed, observing the way I adjusted the elastic of my purple boy shorts to sit on my hips. 

A scoffing noise escaped from my lips. “Of course not. She’s going to some Halloween party on campus. She could care less.”  

To be honest, I don’t think Gina has noticed that I’ve been gone. I’ve only been back to my dorm to grab stuff I needed for class and the necessities like my toothbrush or a change of clothes. For the last two weeks, in typical ‘Honeymoon Period’ fashion, I’ve been staying with Kevin. We’ve been inseparable; driving to school every morning together, hanging out in the dining hall, walking each other to our classes, and going back to his loft to hang out.

By the way, did I mention how much I love Kevin's loft? Because I LOVE HIS LOFT! The apartment looked like it came straight out of an Ikea catalogue. The open concept floor plan with the industrial/modern feel and the brick wall aesthetic had been a Pinterest fantasy of mine ever since I was in the ninth grade! As soon as Kevin slides the rustic barn door close, we shelter ourselves away from the rest of the world; Watching movies, playing video games, and dancing around the kitchen while making food (not to mention Baby’s First Trip to the Grocery Store when I realized Kevin only had almond milk in the fridge and mini Ritz cheese sandwich crackers in the pantry; the number of times I had to drag him away from the candy aisle was RIDICULOUS!) 

At the end of the night, we cuddle in bed and talk for hours. Talking eventually lead to making out and some heavy petting, and if I thought he was amazing with his mouth, he was a magician with his fingers.

I stalked around the loft searching for my pants. For a moment I looked over my shoulder to see Kevin in a trance, focusing on the way my backside bounced from side to side; his head cocked to the side, bottom lip sucked into his mouth and eyes glazed over. I located my pants underneath the television stand by the bed. How they got there, I don’t know. My mind was too exhausted to think as it was still trying to come down from the orgasmic high.

Slowly I bent down to retrieve them, doing the 'bend and snap' thing to give Kevin a bit of a show. Kind of pointless to do as there was no reaction from him; his mind had clocked out and left, leaving him completely catatonic. I squeezed my meaty legs back into my skinny denim jeans and walked over to him, snapping my fingers in his face to wake up. 

He finally came to but was slightly disoriented. "Whoa, what happened?" 

I couldn’t help but laugh at him, sprightly pushing at his wide shoulders. "Wow! I've never seen someone so hypnotized by booty!"

“I can’t help it! It’s a bountiful booty!” He pulled me on top of him, my legs straddling his lap and his big, manly hands gripping tightly onto my cheeks. I could notice the wrinkles in his neck as his head tilted back, looking up at me with a goofy grin plastered on his face. “It’s just so squishy, and it’s fun to play with!”

“Then you can play with it later tonight!" I lightly pecked the tip of his nose and got off of him, grabbing my textbook from the opposite side of the bed. I made my way over to the kitchen island where my backpack sat on one of the stools and shoved my book inside.

"Wait, where are you going?" Kevin asked, a concerned tone in his voice. He sounded and looked like a puppy that had one of his favourite toys thrown in the garbage after demolishing it to pieces on his own accord. He even did the same slumped prance puppies do when they're sad as he trailed behind me, watching as I zipped up my jacket. 

"You are distracting me from reading and I'm distracting you with my butt." I struggled to say that last part with a straight face, biting my lip and stifling a laugh. "So I'm gonna head back to my dorm, finish the reading for tonight, and grab a few things that hopefully Gina didn't swipe from my room."

I planted a gentle but sensual kiss on his soft, sweet lips and slid the apartment door open. Just before I left, I let him in on an interesting but secret fact about myself. Something he could think about alone for the next few hours...

"Just so you know for tonight, I'm a sucker for a real good spanking..."    

Kevin's jaw dropped to the floor. That was my cue to leave. He chased after me in the hallway that led to the spiral staircase going into the cafe. "Oh come on! You can't just spring that on me and leave!!"

“I’ll see you in class, Mister H!” I winked. Halfway down the set of spiral stairs, I heard him yell back at me.

“I hate when you call me that!” Everybody else in the class can call him Mister H and it’s okay. I do it and he finds it weird. He thinks it crosses that fine line between formal and kinky. I was at the bottom of the stairs when I called out for Kevin. His head poked out from behind the banister of the second floor.

"Maybe later, I'll be calling you Daddy!"A coy devilish smirk spread across my face.

Kevin's face immediately went red. I noticed one of his hands reach down behind the banister, possibly trying to control the sudden erection his wild imagination gave him after hearing what I said to him. His words were strained and dry, despite clearing his throat several times. "I'll see you later!"

Although the staircase was in a corner of the cafe that was nowhere near customers, I noticed an older woman giving me the stink eye while sipping on her latte as I headed towards the exit. By the look on her face, she probably was the only person in the establishment that heard my conversation with Kevin; every other patron either had headphones on or didn't care at all. Maybe she also heard my earth-shattering scream from earlier. I could feel her judgemental eyes burn a hole in the back of my head as I left but I didn't care. At least one of us is getting some...

I'm sure it doesn't seem like it, but aside from the sweaty, heart-pumping oral and verbal foreplay, Kevin and I haven't had sex yet. We were having too much fun with what we were doing at the moment that there was no reason to rush into the big dance with no pants on. I was okay with waiting, he was too. We decided that we wanted our first time together to be planned and sentimental, and not something we decided to do on a whim while sitting on the couch watching Netflix. Yeah, it sounds cheesy as hell but to me it made sense. Kevin is special to me, and I don’t want anything to ruin what we have right now. I was an idiot before when it came to how I felt about him. I just don’t want to screw things up with him again. 

On the way back to my dorm, I was gearing myself up for the chance that I run into Gina when I got there. She could still be in class or hanging out with her prude friends, or she could be back at the apartment, hogging the television to watch the melodramatic Korean TV shows she's obsessed with. If it was the latter, I'm hoping for the possibility that she ignores me and leaves me alone, making it easier for me to get my shit done and getting the hell out before she tries to say a word to me. 

However, there are random days where Gina decides to be a decent person and tries to strike up a conversation with me. Since I haven't been home for any more than twelve hours within the last two weeks, I may be due for one of those awkward conversations. It also may be more of an interrogation than a simple dialogue between the two of us. In my head, I formulated some answers for questions she may throw my way. Where have you been? With Kevin. Why are you hanging out with him? Because I want to. Where does he live? I'm not disclosing that information. What does he smell like? What? None of your damn business!

I unlocked my apartment door and slowly opened it, peeking my head through the crack to see if the coast was clear. Gina was nowhere in sight in the living room. Trying not to make any noise, I opened the door a bit more and tiptoed into the apartment. Unfortunately, the hinges of the door made a loud creaking noise as it was swung shut, which triggered a small yelp that came from within the dorm. I then heard the scuffling of feet, followed by the sound of drawers opening and closing. 

"Hello?" I crept out of the foyer to the hallway that led to mine and Gina's rooms. Gina's door was closed on the opposite end of the hallway, mine was open. My blood boiled with rage. What the fuck is that bitch doing in my room!? I dropped my bag on the carpet and pulled out my Popular Culture textbook. I'm gonna use this to smash her face in! It's softcover, but if I swing hard enough it'll be super effective. It'll also be payback for when she whipped the Doritos at my face. 

I stormed into my room, ready to cut a bitch. "GINA, I SWEAR TO GOD! YOU BETTER NOT BE STEALING MY SHI--" 

I immediately stopped in my tracks, dropping my textbook once realizing who was actually in my room. My anger abruptly transitioned to shock. It was like I had seen a ghost; my jaw unhinged from my mouth, my face got so pale that I was on the cusp of turning translucent, and my eyes were about to pop out of my skull. 

I haven't seen her in four years, but there she was, being mischievous and judging the clothes in my dresser like we were teenagers again. I could barely get her name out of my mouth. It's been so long since I've said it.

"M-M-Macey?" My fraternal twin sister. 

My fraternal twin sister, who was born twenty-six minutes after me because her head was bigger and our mother had to have an emergency C-Section. My fraternal twin sister, who was always liked by everyone she met, who was the head cheerleader in high school and dated one of the most popular guys in our class. My fraternal twin sister, who ran away with her boyfriend a few days after graduation to travel the world, leaving my grandmother and I behind and only sending messages to us on Christmas, Easter, and April 19th, our birthday. 

My fraternal twin sister, who is somehow prettier and skinnier than the last time I saw her. Her skin was two shades darker from getting too much sun, her long hair was chopped into a short copper brown bob. My fraternal twin sister, who shared no interests with me, looked nothing like me, and whose presence in my room sucked out all of the confidence and self-esteem I accrued since being on my own in Boston.

She glanced up at me, her bright brown eyes sparkling with happiness. Her arms flung open as she rushed me, a grin so wide on her face it reached her ears. Her tight embrace cracked a few bones in my back.

“Jane! Oh my God! Look at you!” The expression on her face was pure astonishment as she stepped back to take a look at how much I’ve changed over the last few years. There wasn’t much change, to be honest. Since high school, I’ve lost weight but was still curvy, and my hair was longer but still flat and mud brown. Maybe she was more surprised at the fact that I didn’t dress like a bum anymore. 

"How are you? What are you doing here? And how did you get into the apartment?" I questioned, trying my best to keep a smile on my face. What I really wanted to ask was, "How are the fuck are ya? Why the fuck are you here? How the fuck did you get in and when can you fucking leave?"

"I'm good! I just got back from Ibiza and was heading out to California next to go to a music festival but I have an eighteen-hour layover in Boston for some reason." She explained. "I stopped by when your roommate was home and she let me in. She wasn't sure when you would be back so I made myself at home!"

"I can see that…" I observed the mess she made in my room; Clothes were piled on the floor, empty water bottles were tossed into my small waste bin and not in the recycling, and a box of gluten-free cookies was opened on my bed, crumbs all over the place. I noticed that there was one person absent from this reunion; her boyfriend. "Where is--"

"We don't speak of him anymore." She interjected right away. "I left him on a houseboat in Amsterdam two years ago. Since then, I have been a free spirit travelling the world! I’ve met new people, learned about new cultures and religions, ate new food that I wouldn’t dare to touch before! This whole experience has been a journey of self-discovery. It has been life-changing!"

What a coincidence! She did the whole ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ world tour for the last few years and a few days ago, I watched _Eat, Pray, Love_ with Kevin at his loft. “That’s great! I’m happy for you…” That last part trailed off into a murmur.

In typical Macey fashion, she didn’t ask how I was doing or what I’ve been up to. She went straight to planning. She’s always been the social butterfly that loves to go out in public settings and be noticed by others. 

“So, what are we doing tonight? Where are the big parties? We need to go out! We didn’t celebrate our 21st together so we need to catch up on lost time, get some drinks, and party! Also, I need something to wear! All I have is hot weather clothes and it’s freezing here! And speaking of our 21st, you won’t believe what I did in Bali that day...” Her mouth was going a mile a minute!

“Whoa, slow down!” I had to stop her, not because her tongue was about to tie itself into knots but mostly because of the fact that I do not care what she did in Bali on our birthday. “First of all, I have a class tonight. I have a reading to complete in the next two hours and I still need to get ready. Second…”

What do I tell her? ‘I rather not hang out with you, the sister I haven’t seen in years because I would rather hang out with this guy. A guy who I’ve only known for a month but is incredibly good looking and really sweet and funny. He also likes to stare at my butt and gives amazing head...’ Or maybe I don’t mention that I’m hanging out with Kevin at all. 

“Second, I already have plans with a friend after class.” I was straightforward. Macey’s eyes were focused on my dresser, grabbing a sweater from the top drawer and holding it up to her smaller figure in front of my mirror.

“Oh, I’m sure she wouldn’t mind if I hung out with you guys.” Macey refused to be left out. Instead of putting my sweater back neatly into the drawer, she threw it on my bed. God damn it...

“It’s not...” I paused, biting on my tongue and scratching at my scalp in frustration. If I know Macey well enough, I know that she never takes no for an answer. She’s very good at getting her way and she is going to push her way into my plans regardless. Also, if she didn’t want to see me, she would have stayed at the airport for eighteen hours or gotten a hotel. Don’t be a bitch about it, Jane. Might as well fess up and tell her what’s going on. “It’s not a ‘she,’ it’s a he. I’m hanging out with a guy...friend.”

Macey’s eyes brighten up, glimmering with curiosity. Her eyebrows raised and her stature suddenly perked up. She dropped the long sleeve shirt she was looking at on the floor. I swear, she better clean up my room while I’m gone. 

“You’re hanging out with a guy?” She spoke in a singsong.

“Yeah…” I can’t believe the words were about to come out of my mouth. “And he’s sort of my teacher at the moment…”

“JANE ELENA! ARE YOU SERIOUS?” Whenever Macey is in a state of shock, her voice goes an octave higher. She sounds like a siren blaring at close proximity, I thought my ears were going to bleed. “HOW OLD IS THIS GUY?” 

“Calm down! He’s not like 70 if that’s what you’re thinking!” I shuddered at the thought. Does she think I’m a freaking sugar baby?! “He’s a few years older than us! He’s a teaching assistant!”

“Oh, well, okay…” Macey found a floral blouse she liked and whipped her bohemian looking top off, onto the floor, yet again! I could feel the steam coming out of my ears. “Is he hot? Do you have a picture at least?”

“Yeah, I think so.” I unlocked my phone and scrolled through my gallery. I had pictures alright, but some of them weren’t necessarily PG. I’m sure Macey doesn’t want to see the picture Kevin sent me the other day while I was in Psychology. Him standing in front of the mirror, with his… yeah, I’m just going to delete that now before I forget. 

I managed to find a decent picture of the two of us, taken in my room the night he stayed over for the first time. I looked very drunk in the picture; tongue sticking out, winking, holding the bottle of vodka Kevin skimmed from Jaxon. He looked good (and sober, unlike me). His eyes were squinted a bit but he was looking up at the camera with a smile on his face. Kind of funny how I’m finding this now, I don’t remember taking this picture at all. Then again, I still don’t remember much from that night. I showed Macey the photo.

“Yikes, Jane. You couldn’t have picked a better photo of yourself?” She criticized. I immediately took my phone back.

“You’re not supposed to be looking at ME! It’s the only picture I have!” I fibbed. 

Macey grabbed the phone again and examined it again. “He’s cute. Kind of has a big nose.”

“I like his nose!” I defensively whimpered, cradling my phone close to my chest. “Jeez, why are you so judgmental? Didn’t you learn anything on your journey of self-discovery about peace or acceptance or some shit?”

“Some shit…” she happily sneered, flattening out the wrinkles on my blouse with her hands and pulling out a pair of yoga pants from my drawer. She placed her dirty jeans on top of the pile of clothes she already accumulated. 

“What about cleanliness?” I glared back. If only my intense stare could shoot laser beams at her face.

“Oh hell no, you can tidy that up…” Ah, there’s the Macey I know and love; that self-absorbed, condescending, son of a bi--

“So, am I meeting this guy or what?”

~

“Okay, let’s take a fifteen-minute break.” Kevin shut his laptop to look over the class. “I believe Rebecca brought some fruity coolers for everyone, and Matthew ordered pizza which I’m hoping is here soon because I am starving. So get up, stretch, use the bathroom, talk to your peers. I gotta make a quick phone call so don’t throw a huge rager while I’m gone!”

Students got up from their seats and started to wander the classroom. I pushed past a group headed towards Rebecca at the front of the room, who managed to lug a giant cooler into the building without being questioned about what was inside. I got out to the hallway and briskly strolled down to the water fountain to fill up my stainless steel bottle, waiting for my signal. 

That signal would come from Kevin, whose big and tall stature passed by me unsuspectingly, holding his cellphone to his face while turning the corner to the janitor’s closet. Within moments, he stuck out a thumbs up. I looked around to make sure no other students were in the hall and scurried over to the closet, quietly closing the door behind me to avoid alerting anybody of our whereabouts.

I didn’t have time to brace myself before Kevin wrapped his arms around my curvy frame and picked me up, placing me on the cold countertop behind us. Immediately, his lips went straight for mine. His kiss was warm, passionate, hard, lingering. Each closed mouth kiss gained intensity until my tongue slipped between his parted lips and tangled with his. One of his hands was placed on the small of my back while the other placed under my thigh, pulling me closer to him. My arms draped around his neck, the index finger on my left hand grazing his earlobe. I pulled away for a moment to catch my breath, my forehead crashing into his.

“Hi.” He mumbled into my cheek. My eyes opened to see his staring vehemently at mine. His blue irises looked like a dark sapphire in the dim lighting of the janitor’s closet. 

“Hi. Did you miss me?” I batted my eyelashes flirtatiously.

“Yeah, you tease!” Kevin placed his hands on my hips, admiring the outfit I wore to class; distressed denim jeans, a white crop top covered by a black Adidas track jacket, and white high-top sneakers. He contained his excitement by growling into my neck. “I can’t wait to take you back to my place…I haven’t stopped thinking about what you said earlier...” 

I sighed, regretfully. “About that…” Kevin’s head quickly popped up.

“What? What’s wrong?” 

I was hesitant to answer, scared that I was going to ruin the small moment I have with him in this crowded, dark space.  

"My sister is in town for the night. She showed up at my dorm out of nowhere, made a mess in my room, and is insisting that all three of us hang out after class even though I told her I already had plans with you." I explained, exasperated. "It's cool if you don't want to hang out because I honestly don't want to hang out with her either. I'm sorry…"

Kevin chuckled. "It's okay, Jane. I'm fine with hanging out with your sister."

My right eye twitched in disbelief. "Really?"

"Siblings can be exhausting. Trust me, I can relate. I also know the look on your face all too well. It's the 'please-don't-leave-me-alone-with-them-or-else-I'll-kill-them' face." He played with a strand of my hair, twirling it around his finger. His lustful stare had turned soft and reassuring. "If you need me there, then I'll be there." 

"Thank you, but be warned. Macey sometimes likes to be the center of attention." I shouldn't have said sometimes, it's more like all the time. "If the spotlight isn't on her, she'll do everything possible to get it on her."

Kevin's hand slid behind my neck. "Then I'll make sure to talk nonstop about you." He smiled before pulling me in for a kiss. I blushed. 

Sometimes it feels like I'm in a dream. I'm with a guy that is too good for me, completely out of my league. To know that he chose me, over every other girl he could possibly have, is hard to believe. Me, average Plain Jane, an ordinary girl with nothing extraordinary about her. It was surreal. But what was more unbelievable is how hard and quick I was falling for him, more and more. Just like the strand of hair he was playing with, he had me wrapped around his finger.

I suddenly had the urge to show him how much I appreciated him.

"I still feel bad about cancelling our original plans, but if you'll let me…" I started to unbuckle the belt holding up Kevin's dress pants. "I can make it up to you."

"Uhh…" Kevin checked the non-existent watch on his wrist. "Do we have time?"

I jumped off the countertop, my hand feeling up the outline of his thick member through his pants. I went for the zipper as I got down on my knees, ready to take all of his length into my mouth and down my throat.

"Don't worry, I won't take long." 

~

“Jane! Over here!” 

I pushed past the various Halloween costumes dancing to an off-pitch karaoke version of Monster Mash. My palm was warm from the heat of holding onto Kevin’s hand, my fingers tightly laced with his. I constantly looked back to make sure he was still behind me. I was afraid to lose him in the crowd after noticing a group of intoxicated fairies eyeing him up at the entrance of the bar when we got here. I finally got to the table Macey was sitting at and was instantly perplexed by what I was seeing. 

First of all, the outfit she was wearing was definitely not from my dresser. _I only have summer clothes and it's freezing here!_ Yet she was dressed in a white strapless bustier top with skin-tight, ripped up black leggings and stiletto heels. I don’t even own heels that pointy, I would be scared of stabbing myself with them. Second, the moment I walked up to the table I was blasted with a skunk-like aroma. Clearly, she did not run into a woodland creature in the middle of Boston. Judging by the redness of her eyes, her dilated pupils, and the unnecessarily prolonged burst of laughter, I would say that she was high. Which led me to my third and final point of ‘what the fuck is Macey is doing…’

“Why is my neighbour here?” I pointed at the guy, who lives across the hall from Gina and me, sitting beside Macey in the booth. He was wearing an oversized red hoodie with his bleached blonde dreads tied up in a loose bun and a joint tucked behind his ear in plain sight. 

“This is Jordan, I met him in the hall earlier today.” Macey giggled, placing her hands on his cheeks as if she was showcasing her newly prized possession. The prized possession that blasts Reggaeton at four in the morning, and smells like he bathes in talcum powder and patchouli oil. 

“Suuuh, dude?” Jordan threw up a weak-ass peace sign. Oh for the LOVE OF G--

“Hey, I’m Kevin.” Being the gentleman he is, Kevin held out his hand and shook Jordan’s. Jordan looked surprised by the firm handshake, muttering woooah afterwards. 

“Hi, I’m Macey!” Macey jumped up out of her seat to greet Kevin but was instantly taken aback by his height. “Dude, you’re like, tall. Like, as tall as a mountain.” Macey broke into another giggling fit. “But damn, you’re cute. Good job, Jane!” 

I couldn’t help but look up at Kevin affectionately, admiring the way his eyes managed to glow in the dark. He had changed out of his teaching clothes, wearing his bomber jacket with a black sweater and jeans, and a snapback resting backwards on his head. He was more than cute. God, he was handsome. He was a damn masterpiece. If he wasn’t here with me, I would have already jumped over the table to wring Macey’s neck out. Just his presence alone was calming me down.

I sat down in the booth and Kevin followed, throwing his arm around my shoulders, keeping me close to him. Macey sat back down as well, but not before she twirled around in her new threads.

“What do you think of my outfit?” The first thing I actually wanted to say was, ‘It’s cute, DID YOU CLEAN UP MY ROOM?’ Instead, I held my tongue and decided to respond with something a bit more inquisitive.

“It’s very You,” I emphasized. “Where did you get the clothes from?”

"Gina let me borrow an outfit! She said they were old clothes so she wasn't going to miss them. She is super nice! I like her!" Macey pulled a tube of deep red lipstick from her purse and applied it to her lips, using the reflection off of the drinking glass in front of her as a guide. 

“Oh, cool…” My voice trembled with agitation. GINA? OF ALL PEOPLE? I was glaring so hard at my sister, the vein in my forehead was going to burst. Macey and Gina, FRIENDS? It makes sense, they're both spawns of SATAN! My nostrils flared as I breathed out of my nose. My legs were shaking, my hands were clammy. I was vibrating enough for Kevin to notice. He removed the arm that was holding me and placed it on the top of my thigh, lightly squeezing. 

“I’m gonna grab a drink. Do you want anything?” He asked sincerely.

“Yes…” I gritted my teeth. “Anything is fine, please...”

Kevin got up from the booth and asked Jordan if he wanted to come with him to the bar. Jordan stared blankly at him, his mind transported to another dimension at this point. Kevin asked him again, this time gesturing like there was a drink in his hand. “Dude, bar?”

“Oh, heh...” He finally answered his brain back from the future. “Yeah, man.” Jordan crawled under the table, making Macey yelp as her legs were lifted up without any warning, and popped back up in front of Kevin. The poor guy looked like a fucked-up member of the Lollipop Guild next to a man that looked like he was created by Greek Gods. 

“We’ll be back!” Kevin put his arms on Jordan’s shoulders and guided him to the bar. Once they were out of sight, Macey took a bag from CVS out of her purse and dropped it on the table. 

“So, I stopped at the pharmacy to see if they had any last-minute costumes available. Of course, there was nothing, buuuuut…” Macey pulled out a pair of devil horns and a halo from the bag. “I found these!”

“Neat. So I’m the angel, right?” I reached for the halo but Macey retracted back. 

“No, you’re not! Do you not remember the thing?” Macey scoffed. Her brow furrowed as I looked at her perplexed, disappointed that I couldn’t remember the ‘thing.’ “When we were kids! The little song I came up with?” She points to herself, and the memory simultaneously clicks in my mind before she even starts to sing the song. “ _I’m an angel, an angel, an angel…_ ”

She points at me. “ _You’re the DEVIL! The DEVIL! The DEVIL!_ ” She’s trying to sound angry, screeching the word ‘devil’ to add emphasis, but bursts into laughter at the end. “Do you remember now?”

“Yup…” It was one of those bad memories I try to keep at the back of my mind, locked in a box with a chain wrapped around it and a sign stating to DO NOT OPEN. But of course, Macey brings it up like it was a happy memory when to me, it was absolutely demeaning. 

The origin of the song? she made it up in elementary school. We were six, and I stole her tapioca Snack Pack because she stole my Rice Krispie. She flipped shit and by the end of the lunch hour was singing that stupid song over and over, holding her fingers behind my head like they were horns. The rest of the class caught on and for the rest of the year, the song was screamed at me if I did something as little as putting my outdoor shoes on too early.

Macey placed the horns on my head, which was more like she slapped the headband right on my temples and left it like that. I fixed the headband properly, placing it neatly on the front of my head so it didn’t obstruct my half-up, half-down ponytail. After adjusting the halo on her head, Macey looked at me and smiled.

“Perfect! Now we’re ready to take the stage!”

“What?” I scowled. “What are you talking about?”

“I signed us up for a song!” 

“YOU WHAT!?” 

“Who wants shots?” Kevin announced as he and Jordan arrived back at the table, drinks and shot glasses in tow. I wasted no time, grabbing the four small glasses as soon as they hit the surface of the table and downing what tasted like tequila, not even realizing Jordan had the salt and lime in his hand. Jordan stared at me, impressed.

“Dude… awesome!” He slowly chuckled. 

WHY WOULD SHE DO THIS? I don't want to go up on that stage, in front of all of these people, and sing! I can't sing! Macey can't either! She's probably going to stand up there and do nothing! She'll probably dance around me while I do all of the work because that is a thing Macey would do. She should just go up there on her own and twerk while someone else is performing. DON'T DRAG ME INTO IT!

"Everything okay?" Kevin sat back down beside me, handing me my drink. He noticed the horns on my head and chuckled. "Wow! I never realized how horny you got in public!"

The joke went over my head. I was more focused on consuming as much alcohol as possible before I made an ass of myself on stage. I didn't even care to ask what Kevin got me. I whipped the straw out of the glass and downed the contents in seconds. It tasted like Coke and whiskey, or something similar to it. 

"Macey signed us up to sing a song together. I'm freaking out. I need more booze." My eyes were darting around the room, unable to concentrate on one spot. I could tell the effects of the alcohol were kicking in, the room was starting to somewhat spin. It was either that or my sudden hysteria. 

"Hey…" Kevin lifted my chin with his finger and shifted my face towards him. "Everybody in this room is drunk out of their minds. I don't think anybody would care if you messed up a note or mixed up the lyrics. You're not on a singing competition show where everyone judges you, so you have nothing to worry about. Just let loose and have fun with it!" I wish I could be reassured by Kevin a little longer. His deep voice was soothing to my ears, like silk bed sheets that you want to lay on all day because of the way the fibres massage your skin.

Unfortunately, I was pulled out of my seat too soon by my sister, who dragged me over to the stage where the karaoke machine was set up. She grabbed two wireless microphones from the DJ and tossed one over to me. I could barely hold on to it. The alcohol hadn't fully set in, my nerves were on high alert. I could already see all of these unknown faces, most of them dressed up in slutty Halloween costumes. Their eyes were fixated on me, ready for a lacklustre performance. My anxiety was peaking, I was about to have a panic at the disco. 

My legs were trembling as I got on stage with Macey, who was hyping up the crowd with her shrill screams and cheers. At the back of the crowd, I hear a familiar voice with some words of encouragement. 

"You got this, Jane!" Kevin's smile was noticeable from across the room. His words echoed in my mind, let loose and have fun with it…

The music started. It was an all too familiar synth line that I heard too much as a child. The only song that my sister and I have a mutual interest in, and that our grandmother hated because of the swearing. I looked at the prompt to see the title floating on the screen. Let Me Blow Ya Mind by Eve & Gwen Stefani. Goddamn it, Macey! 

I wasn't singing, I was RAPPING. 

"You're up!" Macey squealed, her shit-eating grin plastered on her face just as the first verse was about to pick up.

I can't believe I'm about to do this.

_Drop your glasses, shake your asses_  
Face screwed up like you having hot flashes  
Which one, pick one, this one, classic  
Red from blonde, yeah bitch I'm drastic… 

The crowd got into the song, cheering and dancing to the beat. I swayed from side to side, trying to not get carried away with my dance moves as I focused on the highlighted lyrics on the prompter: 

_… Some of y'all ain't writing well, too concerned with fashion_  
None of you ain't Giselle, catwalk and imagine  
A lot of y'all Hollywood, drama, casted  
Cut bitch, camera off, real shit, blast it! 

Macey had the chorus. Instead of staying on stage, she ran out to the middle of the dancefloor, barely singing any of the lyrics. She got too busy grinding up against a woman who was dressed as a sexy butterfly and getting cheers from the drunk frat guys in the crowd. The light that was shining on the stage was now on her dancing. She had finally acquired the proverbial spotlight she had been looking for all night. 

I had a sudden urge to one-up her act, and I knew exactly what to do. I ran over to the bar and jumped on the counter, just as the second verse started:

_They wanna bank up, crank up, makes me dizzy_  
Shank up, haters wanna come after me  
You ain't a gangster, prankster, too much to eat  
Snakes in my path wanna smile up at me… 

The crowd went nuts. My confidence boosted past the threshold once the spotlight was on me again. I got cocky, adding some swag to my step, gyrating my hips along to the music. I noticed Kevin standing at the end of the bar, brandishing that sweet crooked smirk that I know too well. I glided across the counter effortlessly, making my way over to him. I crouched down, bouncing on my toes with gusto and serenading Kevin with my fire rhymes:

_...Sophomore, I ain't scared, one of a kind_  
All I do is contemplate ways to make your fans mine  
Eyes bloodshot, stressing, chills up your spine  
Huh, sick to your stomach wishing I wrote your rhymes! 

The energy in the bar was electric. The music was pumping, people were dancing, for the first time in a long time, it felt like I was breaking out of my shell. Letting loose and having fun, just like Kevin said. 

This was my high for the night. Nothing could bring me down from this. Not Macey, not anyone. Only myself… literally.

In the middle of the second chorus, I got up too quick from my crouching position, losing my balance. While trying to shift my equilibrium, I slipped on a spilled drink and fell off the counter, hitting my head on a stool as I was coming down.

The music came to a halt and I was surrounded by people, freaking out and asking me if I was okay. Before I blacked out, I saw blood on my hands. 

Yup… this was my low for the night.

~

After ten minutes of being passed out on the floor of the karaoke bar, three hours of waiting in Urgent Care, and five stitches in the back of my head later, Kevin and I were finally back at the loft. 

I sank into the couch, my blood-stained clothes were strewn across the floor and wearing nothing but an old shirt of Kevin's. I held a bag of almost defrosted peas to my head to prevent any more swelling to the goose egg I obtained from my injury. The doctor said I had a minor concussion, so for once the pounding inside of my head wasn't caused by alcohol. Kevin sat down beside me, a glass of water in one hand and painkillers in the other.

"Ohh!" I gasped with excitement. "Drugs!"

Kevin chuckled at me. "Open your mouth." I left my mouth agape. He placed the pills on my tongue and held the glass to my lips. I took a few sips and swallowed the pills. 

"Thank you." I groggily grinned. My voice was ringing in my ears, and the bag of peas was starting to feel mushy. I tossed them onto the coffee table and positioned myself to rest my head in Kevin's lap. His thigh was big and soft because of his sweatpants, there was no need for a pillow. "I'm sleepy…"

"The doctor said I can't let you sleep yet. Just a few more hours." Kevin softly reminded, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. 

I whimpered like a small child. I just want to go to bed and forget about the last 24 hours. Me jumping on the bar counter wouldn't have happened if Macey stayed with me on the stage. Speaking of…

"Did you see if Macey went home with Dreadlock Danny?" I turned over to look at Kevin. "I wouldn't be surprised if she tried sucking on his big bong…" 

The insult sounded alright in my head, but it was terrible coming out of my mouth. Especially since the word 'big' came out as 'bing'. I started to giggle uncontrollably. "His bing bong, oh my God!" 

The laughter so got bad, I snorted. I covered my face in embarrassment, still laughing my ass off.

"The drugs are kicking in quick!" Kevin observed. He smiled but the expression on his face was quick to change to concern. "To be honest, I'm not sure where your sister went. I saw her when I was carrying you out to the car but that was it. Didn't hear from her when I got you to the hospital or when I brought you back here."

"Pfft! That's Macey for you." I sneered. "When there's someone in need, she's nowhere to be found. When my grandmother got sick over the summer, it took her three weeks to answer a text message, and all she wrote was, 'ok'. If you weren't there, she probably would have left me on the floor."

I pressed my hand against Kevin's cheek, embracing the scruff on his face. "But you were there, and you saved me. My hero!" I gently praised. 

"You scared me, by the way. That fall was rough." Kevin continued to play with my hair, a look of unease on his face.

"I'm sorry. But I'm okay now. I may be doped up and feeling funny, but I'm okay." I yawned. "I'm also very tired."

"I know. We'll go to bed soon." 

My eyelids were heavy, It was hard to keep them open. I felt Kevin's hand trailing down the side of my body, his touch exploring every nook and cranny of my figure. He wasn't helping, the way his fingers grazed my skin was lulling me to sleep. I looked up at him and could tell something was wrong. His brow was furrowed, the look in his eye was tense. He swallowed like there was a lump in his throat. As if he was anxious to say or ask something out loud.

"What's on your mind?" I sat up slowly, placing my head on Kevin's shoulder.

"Too much…" His placed his lips on my forehead for a moment, his display of affection had me swooning. He took a deep breath afterwards, sharply exhaling out of his nose.  
   
"I like you. A lot. Actually, my feelings are becoming more than 'like'." He took another deep breath. "I'm falling in love with you, Jane." 

I suddenly became breathless. My entire body felt warm and tingly. My stomach did backflips. My heart wanted to beat itself out of my chest. Once again, I found myself questioning if I was awake or in a dream. I subtlety pinched myself. This was real.

"I realized something tonight. I hate seeing you mad. I hate seeing you hurt. I hate hearing you say you have no one in your corner. I just hate knowing that you have no one to rely on, to trust. And I know I'm not the reason why you felt that way today, but it made me realize that I never want to be that person you're upset with. I want to be the reason why your day gets better. I want to be the reason why you always have a smile on your face, why you always feel protected and loved. I want to be the person that is always in your corner, that person who is here for you no matter what."

I felt a wide range of emotions overwhelm me; I wanted to smile, to laugh, to cry tears of joy. I wanted to say 'fuck it' and climb on top of him and make sweet love to him. I had so many possible ways to respond to his admission of love but instead of going over the top, I went simple. I laced his fingers with mine, pressing my lips against the top of his hand in a long, endearing kiss. 

"I'm falling in love with you too, Kevin." In fact, I was done falling. I fell and landed where I wanted to be. Here, completely and devotedly in love with him, in our sanctuary. 

He wrapped the arm of the hand I was holding around my body, and I snuggled myself into his chest. "So now that I've put all of my heart out there, will you go on a date with me? An official date, no weird neighbours or self-centred sisters tagging along. Just me and you, together. "

"Of course. Just no karaoke bars." I joked. 

Kevin agreed. "Trust me, we're staying far away from those for a while. By the way, your rapping skills are on point!"

I cracked a fatigued smile. "Thank you. My freestyle isn't that bad either."

"Think you can make something up on the spot?"

I thought about it for a second and spat out the first thing that came to mind. It was nothing original, just a common nursery rhyme I heard as a kid:

_Jane and Kevin,_  
Sitting in a tree,  
K-I-S-S-I-N- 

Kevin leaned down and gently kissed me.

_...G._


	4. PART FOUR

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jane and Kevin go on their first date; Jane has a revelation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS PART IS A ROLLERCOASTER OF SOFT AND SPICY! BE PREPARED!
> 
> \- Also, I made a special playlist for the last section called Part Four Softness! [Check It Out Here!](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6WWzFni9Nga1E72qkl9oH7?si=yKPPbnegRb6A_yihPESIBw)

“Holy shit…”

I was not expecting this. I was not expecting to come home after my doctor’s appointment to the remnants of a flower shop on the floor of my apartment. Rose petals were scattered on the carpet, forming a trail that started at the entrance of the foyer and heading into the hallway. I realized the petals were leading me to my room. The door was closed, and it’s never closed because Gina likes to go into there when I’m not home. I followed the petals up to the door, closing my eyes as I walked into my room. With one eye opened, I peeked in and…

“HOLY SHIT!” I jumped, surprised at what was taking up space on my bed. 

A giant and I mean GIGANTIC, sloth plushie, holding an arrangement of blue and purple orchids and hydrangeas. I never squealed so loud! I LOVE SLOTHS! They are one of my favourite animals! They are so cute with their beady eyes and small smiles! They are so big and furry and I love watching them move because they are so slow! They also have claws for hands and only poop once a week and THEY ARE SO ADORABLE! I WILL FIGHT ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE! 

I skipped over to my bed, carefully picking up the arrangement so I could squish my new stuffed animal to death. I noticed a card on the side of the flower vase as I placed it on my dresser. The face of the card had two sloths on it (MORE SLOTHS! EEE!) with a caption that read, ‘It took a while, but I’m glad I found you!’

“Awee!” My heart melted out of its cavity. I picked the card off of the vase and opened it to read the message inside:

_Hang in there, baby. One more day. - K_

Okay, so maybe I was expecting this. Kevin had been showering me with random gifts all week in anticipation of our big date. It started with a simple box of chocolates, followed by a fancy fruit basket, which was then followed by a beautiful necklace with a Chipotle gift card. If I thought this man knew the way to my heart by gifting me food, I was wrong. This took the cake. 

I jumped onto the double-sized mattress, hurling my arms around the sloth’s neck and putting it in a headlock. I squeezed the plushy so hard, I might as well be strangling the imaginary life out of the animal. I felt like a little kid that won the biggest prize from a carnival game, shaking the plushy frantically and screaming at the top of my lungs how fluffy it was. I was tossing the huge stuffed animal in the air when my phone started to ring. Speak of the devil! 

I answered the phone without a greeting. “So, I’m curious to see how you are going to top the sloth.” There was laughter on the other end of the call.

“Usually when I answer phone calls, I start by saying hello to the other person,” Kevin explained jokingly. “Hello, Jane. How are you?”

“Hello, Kevin. I’m well. How are you? I have a humongous sloth in my bed.”

“Oh, I’m very jealous." 

“You should be.” I nuzzled myself under the arm of the sloth. “He’s cuddling with me, right now.”

"Oh really?” He yelled through the phone. “Hey, Mr. Sloth! I told you not to go after my girl! The next time I see you, you’re gonna catch these hands!" 

Hearing Kevin call me his girl unleashed a warm, fluttery rush in my stomach. "How did you plan all of this from New York by the way?”

“My PostMates guy had some very specific instructions.” He explained. “My plan also involved buying Gina a pizza so he could get let into the apartment. Good thing everything panned out because I gave him a pretty big tip.”

I giggled. Just hearing his mellifluous voice aroused me, hitting me with an aching sensation throughout the lower half of my body. I wish he was here with me, laying in my bed, our skin touching, our lips taking in the taste of each other…

“Jane, you still there?" 

I snapped out of my sexual fog. "Sorry, I zoned out for a second.” I sighed into the phone. “I just really miss you, and I can’t wait to see you tomorrow. It’s sucked not seeing you for the last few days.”

Kevin and a few other graduate students were selected by the Department of Sociology to attend a conference in Rochester. The downside to him being in New York was that I was stuck in my apartment for a few days, dealing with crabby Gina. The upside was that the class was cancelled. I finally had a Friday night to do whatever I pleased, and I was most likely going to spend it eating a beef burrito, binging How To Get Away With Murder and whining about how much I missed my boyfriend. 

“I miss you too, more than you know. I’m getting on a train later tonight and I should be back early in the morning. Then you have me for the entire weekend.”

“Perfect. Just you, me, and Mr. Sloth.” I quipped. Aside from the jokes, this weekend was going to be perfect. I don’t know what Kevin has planned, he’s been keeping it a secret from me all week. To be honest, I don’t care what we do. We could hit up a Dave and Buster’s for pizza and skee ball, or eat a gold-infused pasta dish at a Michelin star restaurant. As long as I’m with him, talking, laughing, being our goofy selves, then I’m all in.

“Ugh. I gotta go. I have to head back into my seminar.” Kevin regrettably informed. “I’ll text you once I’m done.”

“Okay.” I frowned, I didn’t want to stop talking to him. “I’ll talk to you later.”

“Jane?" 

"Yes, Kevin?”

There was a moment of silence on the other end. There was a tightness in my chest, It felt like I was holding my breath as I waited for him to say something. Waiting to see if he was going to say what I thought he was going to say. 

“Tell Mr. Sloth I got my eye on him.” He warned. I finally exhaled, letting out a soft chuckle.

“I will, but I can’t promise anything. He is very handsy…”

We said our goodbyes and I hung up the phone. I fell back onto my bed looking up at the ceiling, failing to find some sort of guidance hidden in the smooth, white surface. I was trying to comprehend what happened over the phone when I thought Kevin was going to say those three small words. When he didn’t, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of relief. Now I feel guilty about it because I wanted to hear them. Was I ready to hear those words? Maybe. Was I ready to say them myself? I’m not sure. 

Those three small words; A tiny and simple phrase that is commonly said but the context behind it is so much bigger than what people assume. If you’re the one delivering those words, there has to be sentiment behind it. There has to be that raw emotion of adoring someone so much that you are willing to sacrifice yourself to them through those words because once they are said, it’s hard to take them back. I know how I feel about Kevin, I know that I love him. I would do anything for him if given the chance. The only reason I’m not sure if I want to say it out loud yet is that I don’t want to scare him into saying it back if he’s not ready himself. 

Which leads into being the one that is told those three small words. They have a big impact, so big that being told those words could possibly lead to absolute devastation or exhilaration. I think the reason I felt so relieved when he didn’t say them to me is that he’s not here with me. 

I would rather be face to face with him; Staring up into his big, beautiful blue eyes, my fingers intertwined in his hair, and seeing that infamous crooked smirk as he tries to tell me in his most graceful words how much he loves me. By graceful, I mean he would try his best not to stammer and constantly say ‘ah’, ‘uh’, or ‘um’. But that’s Kevin for you; he was quirks and flaws but I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s what makes him genuine, an absolute one of a kind. 

I’m talking about him like he’s been gone overseas for months, possibly years. It’s only been two days and he’s a five-hour train ride away. He’ll be back tomorrow morning. I need to relax and stop philosophizing about love before I get too deep into my reflection and my brain explodes. 

But I guess this is what it’s like when you love someone. They make you think crazy things…

I was so caught up in my thoughts, I didn’t hear Gina screaming at the top of her lungs calling for me. “JANE THESE STUPID PETALS ARE STAINING THE CARPET! YOU NEED TO CLEAN THIS UP BEFORE WE LOSE OUR SECURITY DEPOSIT!”

I snuggled up to my sloth and turned on my television, maxing the volume out to drown the noise of Gina’s intolerable nagging. 

…is it morning yet?

~

I have never shot out of bed so fast the moment I heard a knock on the apartment door. I gave myself a quick look in the mirror; I was wearing a tacky tye-dye shirt with booty shorts that were riding up my butt, my hair was a mess, I had a scab on my face from a zit, and I had morning breath. I didn’t look that bad, I’ve been in worse shape.

I heard another knock. Crap! I didn’t want to keep him waiting. I threw my hair up in a bun and hastily walked to the foyer, feeling excessively giddy. I should not be this happy at eight in the morning, but there was a reason for it and he was standing on the other side of this door. As soon as I swung the door open, a wide bright smile beamed off of my face.

It had only been a few days. Forty-eight hours at most. The moment he left, I was afraid that I would forget what he looks like. Obviously, I didn’t, but deep down there was a tiny part of me that was anxious about him being away from me, scared that I would never see him again. It didn’t matter now, it was nothing but nerves. He was here now, standing in front of me, and I was far beyond elated.

“Hi.” He was the first to say it. I was too eager, wasting no time jumping into his arms. I wrapped my legs around his waist, my arms grasping onto his shoulders. He held me up by grabbing onto my butt, one of the favourite things he loved about my body. My ardent lips attacked his, satisfying the craving I’ve had for his taste with an urgency.

Kevin carried me back into the apartment and to my room, dropping me onto my bed. His body fell on top of mine, his hands under my shirt to cop a feel of my breasts. I pulled off the heathered grey hoodie he was wearing, sucking in a breath as I admired his chiselled chest. He followed suit with my shirt, revealing the white sports bra I fell asleep in. This is all I wanted all week, to feel his skin on mine. I couldn’t help but run my fingers along the indents of his muscles and lightly scratch at his pecs. My hair undid itself from the bun and fell to my shoulders. Kevin moved my hair to the side so his mouth could devour my neck and nibble on the sensitive spot of my ear. 

He sat up and pulled me on top of him. He grabbed onto my ass again, this time his grip tighter, the pressure coming from his fingertips imprinting my flesh. Our kissing was becoming sloppy as our front teeth clashed together. He bit my bottom lip and I sucked on his. I ground my pelvis up against his lap, little moans escaping from my mouth as I felt my core throbbing for him. I could feel him getting hard underneath me. 

My hunger for him turned carnal, my lust was manic. I wanted more of him, I wanted all of him, but not right now. I need to slow down. Even though I didn’t want to, I pulled away from his lips and stared into his intense gaze, his bright blue eyes darker than usual. 

“I missed you…” I muttered, breathless. His fingers brushed my wavy, unkempt hair out of my face.

“I missed you too.” I noticed Kevin’s eyes glaring at Mr. Sloth, sitting at the corner of my bed. “Was he on his best behaviour?”

“Yes, he was good company!” I got off of Kevin’s lap before I wanted to stay there and do more than make out and, for lack of a better word, dry hump. I picked up Kevin’s sweater and threw it over to him before putting my shirt back on. I sat back down beside him on my bed, lifting my legs onto his lap. “If I knew you were going to be here this early, I would have looked a bit more decent.”

“Don’t worry about it, you look beautiful all of the time.” Kevin complimented. I’m pretty sure I didn’t look beautiful the morning after I got my stitches. The back of my neck looked like I grew a conjoined twin (and they would probably be a better twin than Macey, who I have not heard from since that night at the karaoke bar.) 

“Hey! You’re wearing the necklace!” Kevin noticed the white gold chain dangling around my neck. I’m surprised he didn’t notice it when my shirt was off. Then again, he was probably focused on something else.

“Of course I am! It’s really pretty…" I smiled down at the necklace as I played with the light blue pendant, the colour of it reminding me of his eyes. "I haven’t taken it off since I got it. Thank you again for it.”

“You’re welcome.” Kevin looked at the time on his cellphone and got up from my bed. “Ah crap, you should get ready. We’re gonna be late!”

“Uhh, okay…” I leaned forward on the bed, my brow scrunched in curiosity. “Where are we going? And what do I need to wear?" 

"Wear something comfy, something to keep you warm.” He suggested, looking at the flowers he sent me the other day. “We’re going for breakfast first." 

"So am I going with sloppy IHOP couture for this outing?” I chuckled, walking over to my dresser. Kevin came up behind, his hands feeling up my butt through my shorts.

“No, we’re eating somewhere…” Kevin sucked in his lip, trying to think of the proper word. “Different? Cooler? Unique?”

I slightly grimaced, my eyes blinking uncontrollably, trying to process that last vague clue. “I’m still confused. That doesn’t tell me anything about where we’re going." 

"All I’m going to say is that this is going to top the sloth!”

I guffawed. “I highly doubt that but okay!

Kevin’s eyes narrowed. "Oh, you’ll see…”

~

“BREAKFAST WITH THE SLOTHS!?" 

Yup, this tops that frumpy stuffed animal. In fact, this stumps all delicious breakfast meals I will be having for the REST OF MY LIFE. 

I saw the sign about the event as soon as Kevin parked the car. He didn’t even fully stop the car before I jumped out and galloped into the middle of the lot like a child on a sugar rush, eyes wide with wonder and very antsy to see SLOTHS! 

"Let’s go, slowpoke!” I was so amped, I started to Naruto-run in circles. 

Kevin finally caught up to me and we walked in together to get our tickets. While we were waiting for our zoo educator to arrive, I noticed the funniest thing that separated us from the rest of the adults we were grouped with.

“We are the only adults here… without children.” I tried to stifle a laugh but Kevin ended up joining me in the laughter. It was true. There were little humans running around everywhere; some were screaming and crying, some were laughing, some were asking random inquisitive questions as any curious child would. It almost felt weird to be here, but at the same time I wanted the same thing as them; I was hyped to eat bacon and to see sloths! 

“You know what that means? No parental supervision!” Kevin raised his hand up for a high five. I couldn’t leave my boy hanging, slapping the flat of his palm with mine.

“Heck yeah! Coolest kids here!" 

It didn’t take long before the group was escorted to a small auditorium in the tropical forest exhibit of the zoo. Despite stating we didn’t need parental supervision, Kevin had to be mine. For most of the way, he had a firm grip on my hand, pulling me close to him whenever I would get sidetracked to look at the other animals. 

”…But look at the monkeys! They’re so cute and little!“ 

"Jane, come on! This is the fourth time you’ve stopped! We’re going to lose the group!” He said in his stern teacher’s voice. I finally complied, only because he looked very attractive when he was flustered. 

We caught up with the group just as the door for the auditorium opened. The smell of delicious breakfast foods wafted into my nose and I saw the table displaying the buffet. I loaded my plate with fruit, toast, and of course, bacon, as well as grabbing a cup of black coffee before sitting down to learn about sloths for the next twenty minutes. 

Me, being a sloth enthusiast, already knew most of the information the zoo educator provided the group. Sloths are tree-dwellers who spend the majority of their time hanging upside down, they have a slow metabolism, they have two toes on their forelimbs and three on their hindlimbs, they’re omnivores, they’re nocturnal and sleep from fifteen to eighteen hours… You know, basic stuff. The zoo educator also handed out masks to all of the kids. Kevin and I got a weird blank stare when we asked for masks of our own; the educator seemed reluctant at first but ended up giving in and handing over the paper masks. Kevin put his mask on first.

“How do I look?” He asked, his voice muffled by the piece of paper. 

“You are the beefiest sloth I have ever seen!” I flattered him, giggling. “You would make all the lady sloths swoon!” I know he made me swoon, without the mask of course.

Finally, it was time to see them. Oh my God, we’re going to see the SLOTHS! The educator started to lead the group out of the auditorium to the enclosure nearby. On the way there, I was trying to keep my cool, constantly reminding myself not to push in front of the little children who were just as excited as I was to see the animals. The group came to a halt in front of a glass case and that’s when I saw them. My mouth dropped in awe.

They were absolutely majestic. One of them was climbing along a tree branch, being fed snacks by a staff member. The other was sleeping in a bed made out of large plastic tubing, its claws still attached to the branch the bed hung on. Once all of the children had their turn peering through the glass, I walked up to get a closer look. The sloth that was being fed sluggishly made its way to the other side of the tree, climbing a branch that was in front of where I was standing. Its head turned in my direction and my eyes met their small brown pupils, Their big snout almost pressing up against the glass. I did my best not to freak out loud, putting my closed fists in front of my mouth and squealing silently into them. 

Once the sloth was gone, I turned around and stood in front of Kevin, bouncing on my toes. My teeth grinding from how hard I was smiling. “They are so cute!” I whimpered. 

I listened intently to the staff member that was in the enclosure talking about the sloths’ daily routine, asking the group if they remembered anything the educator talked to them about earlier. I couldn’t help but snicker listening to the children energetically explaining that sloths can only poop once a week. In the corner of my eye, I noticed Kevin’s gaze focused on me. I shuffled back to get closer to him, pressing my back into his chest. I craned my neck to look at him as he held me in his arms from behind. Our eyes met and locked in a long, loving stare. 

Somehow during all of this, the area had gone quiet. The laughter of children and the soft mumblings of the other adults that surrounded us had disappeared. Even the animals making subtle noises in the background were suddenly mute. The silence had become numbing but in my mind, it was all apart of that momentary daydream. Everything else was blocked out and it was just the two of us here, caught in a deep trance looking at one another under the ambient tropical lighting. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

It wasn’t long until we were heading back to the SUV after a spectacular morning at the zoo. Kevin’s arm was grazing the length of my back, mine wrapped around the small of his as we walked closely beside each other. The early November air bit harder than usual, making me cuddle in closer to his chest to be embraced by the warmth of his body. I felt a light peck on the top of my head.

“Did you have fun?” I could hear the chatter of Kevin’s teeth as he asked me that question. The moment we got into the car, he turned the heat on to the maximum setting. 

“It was awesome! I honestly never expected that! Thank you for taking me…” I looked down at the heater I had placed my fingers on, trying to get some feeling back after they froze out in the cold. “This is probably going to sound odd, but today has been the second time that I have been to the zoo in my entire life.”

“What? Really? Seriously?” Kevin’s eyes were bigger than usual, most likely from the shock from finding out I was somewhat of a sheltered child. “Why is that?”

“My grandmother constantly worked, she was a nurse. We didn’t get to do a whole lot when Macey and I were kids because she was always at the hospital. I’m not really bothered by that, I was the introverted kid that liked to stay at home anyways. I’m more bothered by the fact that my first visit to the zoo was on a double date with my sister and it was absolutely terrible." 

"What happened?” He asked.

“The guy wasn’t into me, I mean I wasn’t either but he was a major douche the entire time. He tagged along with his friend who had the hots for Macey. She ran off with her date to make out at the polar bear exhibit and mine abandoned me by a snake pit.” I explained, letting out a sigh followed by a self-degrading laugh. “It was so embarrassing." 

"Well, I would never abandon you by a snake pit,” Kevin assured, placing his hand behind my neck. His touch was still somewhat cool. “However, making out by the polar bears would be an interesting idea. We’ll have to save it for another time.” He leaned over the middle console to press his lips on my forehead before putting the car into gear. 

“Alright, off to our next destination!” He smiled. 

“Do I get a hint?” I asked with curiosity. 

Kevin thought about it for a second, doing the usual thing where he sucks in his bottom lip and rubs at his face in contemplation. “It has to do with… I honestly have no idea how to explain it without giving it away." 

To be honest, I wasn’t actually concerned about where we were going next. It didn’t matter because all I wanted to do now was to be with him. That’s all I could think about on the way to the next part of our date. I was already there emotionally, so I think–no, scratch that, I know now I was ready to be with him on a more physical level. 

I’m ready to have sex with Kevin.

~

After the zoo, we played laser tag. It was my first time playing but I kicked Kevin’s ass. I gave credit to all of the time I spent playing first-person shooter games. I’m not the type of person to camp in a spot and wait for someone to come around the corner. I was dipping and dodging and diving behind obstacles, trying to avoid getting shot. During our first game, Kevin shot me twice while I got him a whopping thirty-seven times within fifteen minutes. He was more impressed by my agility and aim consistency more than anything. 

For our second game, we teamed up and got ganged up on a group of kids that came in for a birthday party. At one point, I saw a kid on our team on Kevin’s back, like he was the steed he was riding into battle with. Seeing the way he played with the kids made my ovaries explode. Hearing the kids talk to Kevin, exclaiming about how tall he was and calling him a giant, and him going along with what they were saying was the absolute cutest. After the second game, a spry little girl came up to me and asked if I was with Kevin. When I told her I was, she freaked out and raved about how lucky I was. I’m not sure if it was because Kevin managed to get a higher score than me that round or because of the way he played with the kids or if she had a bit of a crush on him. Either way, she was right. I really was lucky. 

After laser tag, I asked him what was next.

"Well, nothing. For now." 

"Oh…” I was trying not to frown. I was having so much fun with him, I didn’t want the day to end already. 

“There is one more thing, but it’s later tonight and it involves dinner.” He explained. “It’s nothing too fancy, just dinner at my place but I wanted to make it special. Unfortunately, that involves me dropping you off at your dorm so I can get everything ready.”

“Okay!” I looked down at what I was wearing at the moment; jeans and a black crew neck sweater. “Does dinner involve a different dress code?" 

"Yeah, if you wanna dress all fancy, we can do that. Just a fancy dinner date at home.” He chuckled. “I’ll be back around seven to pick you up." 

Kevin drove me back to my dorm and the first thing I did when I got into my apartment was head straight for the shower. I washed off the sweat from laser tag, I shaved off every unwanted hair off of my body, and I made sure everything smelt as pretty as the flower arrangement sitting on my dresser. After my shower, I walked back to my room, passing the living room to see Gina on the couch watching her K-dramas. We didn’t acknowledge each other, which was the norm for us.

Once in my room, I opened up my closet to look at the dresses I had. My clothes were still a mess after Hurricane Macey ran through them; half of my dresser was empty because everything had been thrown into my closet, and whatever was hanging in my closet was on the floor, wrinkled into oblivion. I needed a sexy but casual dress, something that said, 'I know we’re staying home but I really want you to rip this dress off of me and make sweet love to me.' 

I think I found it. A pale pink, fit and flare v-neck dress with spaghetti straps and pockets. Yes, pockets are important. I remember buying this dress but immediately throwing it in my closet because the length was a little bit shorter than I expected. That won’t matter tonight, in fact, it may help me get what I want. I kept the dress on the hanger and hung it on the top of the closet door. As I blow-dried my hair and started to style it, I kept looking back at the dress. I was excited to put it on, and I was excited to see Kevin’s reaction when he saw me in it. 

After fixing up my hair into a low messy ponytail and putting on some natural make-up, I ran back to the bathroom to get the necklace Kevin got me. Gina noticed. 

"Someone looks pretty…” I stopped in my tracks just before my room, taken aback by what she just said. Was that… a compliment of some sort? 

“Uhh, thanks.” I stammered. “I’m having dinner at Kevin’s place soon…”

“Ah, you still on that mission to get that A in your class this semester?” And there was the backhand. Just when I thought she turned a new leaf. 

I didn’t snap back. Instead, I walked back into my room to find earrings to match my necklace. Out of nowhere, Gina popped her head into my room. She saw my dress hanging up. “You’re wearing that tonight?” She asked.

“Yup.” I bluntly answered. My eyes focused in on a pair of diamond stud earrings, carefully picking them out of the jewelry box to poke through my ears.

“That’s cute. Hold on…” Gina left and came back moments later, holding a pair of cream coloured pumps with a thick tie-up ankle strap. They almost looked like ballet shoes on steroids. “If you wanna wear these tonight, you can. I think these would look good with your dress.”

What is happening? One moment she’s implying that I’m sleeping my way through my class and the next moment she’s letting me borrow shoes? 

“Cool… Thanks, Gina.” I tried not to look so stunned, but I couldn’t resist saying something. “Not going to lie, but I’m surprised you’re even letting me near your things.”

Gina shrugged. “It’s the least I can do. You put up with a lot of my bullshit, and my rules, and my nagging. Also, I didn’t mean to throw that comment at you earlier. Sometimes I need to think before I speak.” 

My jaw hit the floor, my eyebrows hit the ceiling. “Okay, where is Gina and what did you do to her?” I asked, flabbergasted. She shrugged again, this time a smirk cracking from her usual stern exterior.

“Sometimes people have to see the error in their ways and change for the better. Your sister made me realize that when she was here. Have a good time tonight.”

Before I could even ask her what she and Macey talked about, she had left my room. Seriously? Macey, being the voice of reason for someone? She could do that for someone she barely knew but couldn’t go to the hospital with her own sister? As much as I wanted to continue processing what just happened, I had to finish getting ready.

I grabbed my dress off of the hanger, sliding it over the curves and contours of my body and flattening out the minor wrinkles with my hands. The material of the dress was so tight around my chest I ended up taking off my bra. I looked in the mirror and adjusted my boobs so they didn’t look saggy in the dress; hopefully, this is another thing that will work in my advantage later. I grabbed the pumps Gina borrowed me and sat on my bed to put them on. I have no idea how I’m going to walk in these; my legs were already wobbling as I pushed myself off of the bed. I took tiny steps towards the mirror to get one final look of myself. The shoes were cute, they definitely looked like ‘fuck me’ pumps when paired with this dress. In fact, the whole ensemble with my hair and make-up was giving off major ‘fuck me’ vibes. I was proud of myself; I’ve never made myself look this good. 

I decided to quickly fix my ponytail when I heard my phone go off on my desk. Kevin was calling me. Why was I suddenly nervous to answer the phone?

“Hey! Are you here?” I answered cheerfully.

“Hey! Setting up for dinner took a bit longer than expected so I ordered an Uber to head over to your place. They should be there–” I heard a ding, followed by a short pause on the other line. “Now!” Kevin let out a small chuckle. 

“Sweet! I’ll head down now, and I’ll see you in a bit!” 

With short shuffles, I made my way to the foyer and grabbed my jacket and purse. Gina was still in the living room, this time watching the newest episode of Love Island. I said goodbye to her and she broke contact with the television to say ‘bid me adieu’ (her words, not mine). That is a first! I’m going to have to get used to her being nice to me. Who knows, she may go back to being a super-bitch tomorrow. But for now, because the day has been in my favour so far, I’m taking it as a win.

After what felt like the longest elevator ride down to the lobby and the longest walk in the pointiest heels, I made it to the Uber. The ride to Kevin’s loft would be short, but it’s better than walking in the cold practically half-naked under my jacket. I observed the brightly lit street lamps zooming by as the Uber began to drive off-campus. I couldn’t wait to see him, I was unable to sit still in the back seat of the car. My nerves really started to act up once the car turned onto the street of the cafe. My fingertips were tingling, my heart was palpitating, my knees were shaking. I wasn’t sure If I would be able to get out of the car without falling on my face, but once we were stopped in front of the cafe I had no choice but to find out. Luckily, I was able to stand up onto the sidewalk with ease. I thanked the driver and made my way through the cafe to the spiral staircase. I noticed a few of the baristas smiling at me, one of them complimented me on my hair. Somehow that extra boost in confidence helped the stride in my step, no longer having issues with my shoes as I bounced up the stairs and down the hallway to Kevin’s door.

I took a deep breath and knocked on the sliding barn door. Kevin’s voice was loud and clear, he must have been close by. 

“It’s open!” 

I pulled the bulky wooden door open, almost losing my balance because of the heels. Once I let myself in, I swung the door closed with a swift arm motion. I could hear Kevin in the bathroom, which was right next to the entrance. 

“Hey! I’ll be right out!” 

“Okay!” I took off my jacket and placed it on the coat rack. The moment I turned around from closing the door, goosebumps raised on my skin. 

The first thing I noticed was candles lit all over the loft. The warm lighting created a whimsical and romantic feeling in the atmosphere, with the smell of vanilla and the soft guitar strumming from the indie music playing on the Bluetooth speaker adding to the dream-like ambiance. 

“Whoa…” I muttered under my breath, taking in the beauty and awe of the loft as I walked around. My eyes shifted focus to the corner where Kevin’s punching bag used to be. In its place was a makeshift tent, made up of sheets and illuminated with string lights. Inside of the tent was the coffee table, set up for dinner with pillows and blankets on the floor filling up space. It was so breathtaking, I forgot how to breathe for a moment. He did all of this, and it was for me. I was starting to feel emotion, almost on the verge of tears. No, don’t cry Jane. Do not mess up your make-up, Kevin hasn’t seen you yet. Until now.

“Wow…” I turned around and instantly we were both floored by the sight of each other. 

He looked so handsome. He stood there, tall and confident, rolling up the sleeves of his white dress shirt. His exposed forearms looked strong enough to pick me up and throw me on his bed in an instant. The top two buttons of his shirt went undone, the sight of his strawberry blonde chest hair popping out had my mind swirling. His hair was neatly styled, and he shaved his facial hair down to stubble. I was going to miss feeling his beard on my skin, but he looked just as good without it. His eyes flickered under the candlelight, looking like ignited bright blue flames. 

I felt intimidated by him, but at the same time, I’ve never wanted him more.

“Hi.” I chuckled breathlessly, trying to get some air into my lungs as I completely forgot how to breathe. My face started to hurt from smiling, probably from being so nervous. 

“You…” He bit his bottom lip, unable to form words at the moment. He did that same breathless chuckle. “You look absolutely stunning!”

“You do too! The loft looks amazing!” At this point, I couldn’t stop giggling. It was hard to believe that this was happening to me right now. This feels like a dream. I started to strut over to Kevin when I finally lost my balance in these stupid shoes. Luckily, I fell straight into his arms. My giggles turned into a full burst of laughter.

“Are you okay?” He asked, helping me on to my feet. I used his leverage to lift my feet up one by one to undo the strap on my shoes.

“I need to take these off before I snap an ankle!” I kicked the pumps off, losing four inches of height, making it a bit difficult to look at Kevin but I was already used to it. “I tried, they didn’t work.”

“It’s okay, you don’t need them anyway.” He placed his hand over my head to make fun of my height. “I like that you’re my little shawty…” I instantly saw the regret on his face the moment he finished saying that sentence.

“I can’t believe you just said that!” I snorted. My laughing and smiling were getting out of control, I had covered my mouth with my hand. 

“I’m sorry, I can’t help it, it must be my–” We both said ‘nerves’ at the same time, which all made sense now. My nerves were the culprit for my giggle fit, and upon realizing this my giggles stopped and I found myself staring deeply into Kevin’s hypnotic eyes. He placed his hands on my neck, my hands wrapped perfectly around his thick wrists as he cradled my face closer to his and pressed his lips deeply into mine. I took in the scent of his cologne, and finally, it felt like I had calmed down.

“I’m so happy you’re here…” His thumbs grazed my cheeks. He planted one more kiss on my forehead. He took my hand and dragged me to the kitchen island. “And I hope you’re hungry!”

“I’m starving! I haven’t eaten since this morning!” Just the mention of food was making my stomach rumble. I saw three rectangular take-out boxes sitting on the island. Kevin flipped the lid on one of the boxes and I gasped. Immediately drool wanted to drip out of my mouth. 

Sushi! So much sushi! I died and went to sushi heaven! There were nigiri and sashimi and all sorts of different rolls! California, Philadelphia, Alaska, cucumber, avocado, rainbow, king crab!

“Eep!” I cried with happiness. I never knew I could make that noise! Even Kevin was stunned at the high-pitched noise. “I loooove sushi!" 

I couldn’t help myself and grabbed a roll from the open box. Oh my God, it was so good! 

“And we get to eat in the tent?” I asked, my mouth full of spicy tuna roll. 

“Yes, we get to eat in the tent…” Kevin laughed at me as he grabbed a bottle of white wine from the fridge and one of the take-out containers. “You take those two boxes and I’ll grab the rest.”

We grabbed the food and wine and brought it over to the tent, which was much more beautiful to sit in compared to seeing it from the outside. Kevin poured the wine into two stemless glasses and passed one to me.

"To us!” He toasted, That crooked smile made an appearance. I couldn’t have agreed more with that…

“To us!” Our glasses clinked together.

We spent the next hour and a half eating sushi rolls and enjoying each other’s company. We talked about our day at the zoo and the laser tag place. I told him about the little girl that had a crush on him and my interaction with Gina before I got here. Even he was surprised that Gina was suddenly nice to me. 

At one point, Kevin and I debated whether it’s better to either mix wasabi with soy sauce together or to dip your roll into them separately. I preferred the former, he preferred the latter. To back up my argument, I fed him a piece of shrimp nigiri with my wasabi/soy sauce mixture.

“Okay, it’s not so bad.” He declared. “I would still add more wasabi. I like the extra spice!" 

"I can’t do too much wasabi. Even the little bit does too much and it burns my nose! And don’t get me started with the pink ginger” I stuck my tongue out in disgust, yuck! 

“Girl, how do you not like gin–” I quickly distracted him with a piece of the rainbow roll to avoid the argument. All was quickly forgiven. I should keep this in mind for the next time we have an argument; distract Kevin with food.

After devouring all three boxes of sushi and the entire bottle of white wine, Kevin pulled the coffee table out of the tent and we decided to lay down for a bit. Staring at the top of the tent was mesmerizing; with the string lighting above us, combined with the darkness of the loft, it felt like we were laying underneath the night sky stargazing.

“I am so full, I could nap!” I nestled myself under Kevin’s arm, placing my head on his chest. Instantly, a yawn escaped from my mouth. Feeling his chest falling, the faint beating of his heart, it made me drowsy. “Goodnight…”

“You can’t fall asleep now, the night is still young!” Kevin’s fingers softly massaged the side of my scalp. This wasn’t helping my urge to fall asleep.

“I can’t help it. You’re so comfortable, I’m full of wine and sushi, and the music playing sounds like a lullaby.” I yawned again, this one made my eyes feel heavy. No, please don’t fall asleep. I don’t want this day to end…

“Then dance with me." 

I suddenly felt wide awake, my eyes opening wide from their closed state. I rested my chin on Kevin’s chest. "You want to dance?”

“Yeah, come on.” He sat up, grabbing my hand and pulling me out of the tent with him to the open floor. “If you’re moving around, you’ll stay awake!”

Kevin placed his left hand gently on my hip, his right hand securely linking fingers with my left. I placed my other hand pressed lightly against his chest. The faint beating of his heart had turned into a strong thumping I could feel with my hand, his breathing had become shallow as he gazed into my eyes. Slowly, our bodies swayed in sync, side to side to the acoustic sounds of piano and guitar on the speaker. Our movements were so fluid together that it felt like we were floating more than dancing. I felt my body getting closer to his, the grip he had on my hip becoming tighter as it wrapped further around the small of my back. Our bodies moulded together so easily, like two perfect puzzle pieces connecting into one. 

Just when I was getting comfortable being so close to him, he stepped away from me at arm’s length and twirled me back into his body. My footwork was light and dainty like a doll, but my finish was sloppy as I crashed back into Kevin’s body. It felt like running into a brick wall, he didn’t even budge from my impact. My hands landed on his biceps and slowly they travelled up to behind his neck, my touch studying the size of his muscles on the way. His arms were fully cradling my back, pulling me in closer to him than ever before. I felt his breath on my ear, his scent engulfed my nose, his eyes cast a charming spell on me. Then there was that crooked smirk, that always did me in. 

God, I was so in love with him.

He swept me off of my feet, literally picking me up by my waist and spinning me around. I held myself up by holding onto his shoulders. It always amazes me how he could pick me up so easy, making me feel like I was the lightest feather. He spun around so many times I got dizzy. As if I wasn’t disoriented enough from the way I’ve been feeling all day; I was high in the clouds, probably on my way out of the hemisphere and never wanting to come back down. He finally put me down and I stumbled around on my feet. I had to take a moment to compose myself, closing my eyes to control the light-headed feeling. 

Once I opened them again, he was still here holding me. Part of me was afraid that I was going to come back and all of this would be gone and I would be alone. But as soon as I saw those big baby blues, I instantly found solace. 

“Jane…” I was quick to cut him off by pressing my lips against his in a deep and passionate kiss. 

I was ready for him to take all of me, explore all of him. I was ready to feel our bodies merge into one, in a messy, awkward but beautiful and sensual way. The moment my lips left his lips, I was going to tell him. I just didn’t realize he was going to say the same thing. 

“I want to have sex.”

Our voices in unison rang throughout the loft. We were both surprised by each other’s revelation that we both burst into a fit of giggles. What were the odds? But once again it all made perfect sense. The way he felt nervous like I did all night. He decorated his loft to impress me, to make this moment special for both of us. Suddenly, it didn’t feel like we were asking each other on a whim, because he had this planned all along. I smothered my laughter into Kevin’s chest, looking up at him to see his glimmering eyes were waiting to meet mine.

“Are you sure?” His voice was low, sensual. 

“Yes…” I laced my fingers around his and led him to his bed, directing him to sit on the edge. 

As soon I sat down beside him, my lips lunged for his. His mouth opened and I brushed my tongue along his. I love the feel of his lips, the taste of his mouth. I grabbed his neck, pulling him on top of me as I laid down on the bed. I love the feeling of his body on top of mine. My fingers stumbled with unbuttoning Kevin’s shirt. He noticed I was struggling and pulled the shirt over his head. I stopped to admire his chest; his pecs, his abs, his collarbone. I sat up to be level with him on our knees, my hands pressed against him, my touch learning about every vein and muscle. I love his body.

His lips captured the taste of my skin as he softly sucked on my neck. My body shivered in shock, I let out a slight moan. I love the way he makes my body feel. I felt him pull down the zipper on my dress with ease, lifting the item of clothing over my head in one swift motion. My breasts were exposed to him and he stared at them in awe. His big, manly hands cupped and massaged them, I could feel my nipples getting hard against his rough palms. I love the feeling of my hands all over my body. 

My lips found his again as I unbuttoned his pants and slid them down his thick thighs. I wanted to feel his mouth moan into mine when I felt up his manhood through his boxer briefs. He growled and decided to do the same thing, sliding his hand down into my lace underwear to feel the wetness between my slit. A finger grazed against my bud and I softly cried out between kisses. I felt myself dripping down my leg. I needed him inside of me now. I needed him to make sweet, sensual love to me.

I pulled Kevin back on top of me, pulling off my underwear and spreading my legs so he could establish himself between my thighs. I pulled down his boxer briefs, his cock instantly intimidated but aroused me at the same time. I admired his naked body as he stroked his shaft and I laid back down on the bed, feeling more relaxed than ever. He positioned himself, I could feel the head of his cock brushing up against my folds, ready to feel my walls tighten around him.

His skin was pressed against my skin, his lips brushing against my lips, his eyes intensely gazing deep into my eyes. Our breathing in sync with each other. He brushed a piece of hair away from my face as I wrapped my arms under his and grabbing onto the defined muscles on his back.

I love his body, I love his face, I love his crooked smile, I love his goofy personality, I love everything about him.

“I love you, Kevin." 

"I love you too, Jane." 

I felt that first thrust.

I unravelled.


	5. PART FIVE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jane learns more about Kevin's injury.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THERE. BE. SMUT. AHEAD.  
> \- Also, there may be a subtle reference to a not-so-subtle "incident" xD  
> \- Another Also, Jimmy Hayes.

_Thump-thump,_  
Thump-thump,  
Thump-thump… 

Hearing Kevin’s heartbeat is the only way I’ve been able to stay asleep lately. My head must be resting on his chest, feeling the rise and fall of his breathing. It lulls me to sleep like a baby in a rocker. My body needs to nestle against his, his heat radiating onto my shivering skin in a warm embrace. Our legs are tangled together and my arms are comfortably cramped in between our bodies, sometimes holding onto his sides or pressed against his abs. 

For the last three weeks, this has been the only way I can sleep soundly; in the arms of the man I love, his heartbeat acting as my white noise. I haven’t been able to sleep on my own in my room. I end up staring at the blank white walls for hours. My eyes are heavy, begging for rest but every time I try to relax I end up tossing and turning in the bed I once found cozy. 

Because of this, I’ve been sleeping at Kevin’s more often. He doesn’t mind it, he loves having sleepovers. They are especially more fun in his bed. His California King feels like you’re sleeping on a gigantic cloud; the plush pillows, the bamboo bed sheets, the goose down comforter with the Egyptian cotton cover. So maybe his bed being better than my stiff double mattress is one of the reasons why I can’t sleep on my own. That and the 200-pound, six-foot-five teddy bear I get to snuggle every night. 

The moment I felt Kevin unlink his embrace and shuffle to the edge of the bed, my eyes were wide open. I observed him, hiding my lustful gaze behind a pillow as he walked around the loft, stark naked. God, his butt was perfect. If I thought he was obsessed with how meaty my bottom was, his butt was the perfect amount of round and bubbly. It jiggled with every confident stride he took, walking from the kitchen area back to the bed where he searched through his dresser for something to wear. The look of pure bliss on my face from admiring his physique quickly turned sour once he found a pair of boxer briefs and a plain black t-shirt. A tiny whimper escaped from my lips, loud enough for Kevin to hear and to turn around to see me watching him like a Peeping Tom. 

“Have you been watching me this whole time?” His eyes beamed with curiosity as he pulled up a pair of drawstring shorts. I sat up on the bed, clinging onto the comforter that was keeping my partially naked body toasty.

“Maybe…” I was trying to be coy but ended up yawning midway, my mouth stretching so far I had to cover it to prevent my double chin from showing. “Heading to the gym?”

“Yeah, gonna run the indoor track for a bit. I won’t be gone long.” Kevin planted a delicate kiss on my forehead. “Get some rest. We’ll go for breakfast when I get back." 

"Okay.” As he made his way towards the barn door, I felt like I had missed something. A major detail. He had just finished tying his shoes and was about to swing the door open when it clicked in my head. “Hey!”

Kevin looked up towards me, the early morning sunlight glimmering in his eyes.

“I love you.” The words left an elated smile on my face. My jaw was hurting from grinning so wide. It was worth it. I wasn’t going to get sick of saying it. It felt so good.

He smiled back. Every time he smiled it warmed my insides. “I love you too. I’ll see you soon.”

For the next hour, I laid in bed awaiting the return of my boyfriend. My goofy Prince Charming. Jeez, that sounds so mushy. I guess that’s what love does to you. It makes you sound cheesy as hell when talking about the person you admire the most. It makes you an insomniac when they’re not close by, their heartbeat rocking you into a deep sleep. It makes you stop and question every decision you want to make and whether or not your partner will agree or disagree with it. It makes every bone in your body shiver and ache for their touch. It makes your ears tingle every time you hear their voice or their laugh. It makes you bored when they’re not around, anticipating the next moment you can spend time with them and create memories that both of you can cherish.

Sometimes love can make you feel like a different person, creating a facade that will keep the other interested even though it isn’t your authentic self. With Kevin, that isn’t the case. I’ve never felt more like myself with anybody else. He doesn’t mind that I sometimes keep the kitchen cabinet open when I grab a dish, or that I talk in my sleep, or dance around like an idiot when we play music in the loft. 

There have been some embarrassing moments that have occurred, like when my hair clogged the shower drain, or when I accidentally threw up in my mouth from brushing my tongue, or when I slipped and fell on my ass after attempting ONE jumping jack. There are days where I’ve gotten mad or upset with myself, where I want to shrivel up into the fetal position and hide from the rest of the world.

Through all of this, Kevin has never been cruel. He’s never been judgemental, or mad, or upset with me. He’s the complete opposite. He finds the humour in difficult situations, he lives by laughing it off and moving on. He’s reassuring and protective and kindhearted and absolutely adorable. I could go on and on, listing the hundreds of reasons why I am in love with him, but I don’t want to bore anyone with my over-the-top mushiness. All I can say is that he’s been an angel, my guardian angel. 

I finally decided to get out of bed and head to the bathroom to take a shower before Kevin got home. The walk-in shower was huge, big enough to have a seat placed on the side of the wall. I opened the glass door and walked onto the ceramic tile to turn on the showerhead. I’ve always been mesmerized by the way the water trickled out of the fixture, like heavy rainfall in a calming storm. removed my bra and underwear, throwing them over the door and watching them abruptly fall into a neat pile. 

I submerged myself under the showerhead, the cascading warm water sprinkling onto my skin. I’m the type of person that likes to quickly get the washing out of the way so I have more time to unwind. Taking a shower was one of my favourite ways to relax, it was metaphorical in a sense. Washing away the impurities on my body felt like getting rid of the stress and bad thoughts from the day and watching it go down the drain, never to be felt or thought of again. The day had just begun, there was nothing to be stressed about. I just wanted to be in the shower longer because I knew he would be home soon.

Sure enough, I heard the glass door open and close, followed by footsteps splashing against the water on the floor. My hair was moved to the side, the face of a familiar man seeking refuge in the crook of my neck. Long, muscular arms enveloped my body, clinging onto me as if he was afraid to let go. Soft, sweet kisses were placed along my collarbone up to the top of my shoulder. One of my hands managed to wriggle out of his grip and cup his cheek, my fingers playing with his facial hair as I angled his face towards mine. I pressed my lips hard against his, I could taste a hint of sweat on him. It was slightly salty but oddly addicting, I wanted to taste more of him.

His hands started to wander my body, one massaging my breast while the other lightly scratched at the flesh of my stomach. my backside was grinding against the front of his body, feeling the length of his semi-erect manhood instantly aroused me. I spun myself around to face him, and immediately his hands went straight for my ass. The way he played with my body; squeezing, biting, slapping. It transformed me into a carnal, sexual being, something that I never thought existed in myself. I pulled him closer to me as my hand travelled down to his waist, he shuddered at the touch of my fingers grazing his pubic bone. Then I caught him by surprise, taking his cock in my hand and beginning to jerk him off. 

“F-fuck…” He grunted into my mouth. I could feel him twitching, growing as I worked his shaft. His hand made his way down to my slit, inserting one finger inside of me. It took my breath away for a split second. “You’re so wet…”

“Feeling you get hard in my hand turns me on so much,” I growled. He stuck another finger inside of me and started to pump. My walls tighten around him, my nose wrinkled as I let out breathless moans. “Goddamnit, Kevin!”

I let go of his dick and held onto his shoulders, placing one of my legs on the built-in seat beside us for leverage. His fingers curled, he pumped deeper and faster. My fingernails dug into his skin, my moans got louder and more intense. I wanted to come, I was so close to coming. But I wanted to wait. I pushed him away, the look on his face immediately looked perplexed. Before he could even question me about what I was doing, I was on my knees, placing his cock in my mouth.

“Holyyy shit!” He grabbed the back of my bobbing head, letting out tiny grunts as my tongue tangled itself with the tip of his head. I took him deeper into my mouth, gagging as it hit the back of my throat but refusing to quit, choking on his thick girth. I looked up at him while I continued to suck him off, his eyes were devilishly dark as he bit his bottom lip. “Baby, you look so pretty when you suck on my cock like that…”

I pulled him out of my mouth. Spit dripped down my chin, a string of it connecting my lips to his tip. I stroked him off with one hand while the other massaged my clit.

“I want you to fuck me. I want to feel your big dick stretch out my tight, wet pussy…” My voice was low and sensuous. Kevin picked me up off of my knees. 

“Sit on the counter.” He was blunt and demanding, pointing towards the bathroom sink. I’ve been so turned on in my life.

I got out of the shower and sat down on the marble vanity top, playing with my clit while waiting impatiently for Kevin to finish up. It wasn’t long before the shower was turned off and he was spreading my legs apart, diving into my pulsating core. The moment I felt his breath on my sensitive bud, I shrieked at the top of my lungs. His tongue cleaned up the juice that made a mess all over the inside of my thighs. My head fell back, hitting the mirror that was screwed in behind me. I brushed my fingers through his damp hair, my hips bucking towards him for more. I was so close to coming all over his face but I didn’t want to.

“Kev, I need you inside of me. I need you…” I whimpered as he sucked on my clit. Jesus fucking–

“You’re gonna have to beg a lot better than that…” His voice vibrated against me. I couldn’t take it anymore, I had become ardently ravenous. I pulled him up and stared intensely into his deep blue eyes. 

“Please, fuck me. Fuck me right now. Fuck my fucking brains out. I want you to fuck me so hard, I can’t walk for the rest of the fucking day! I’m begging you… Fuck me now, Kevin!”

He didn’t hesitate. I was so wet that he slid in without any struggle. It was like stuffing a giant zucchini into a pinhole.

“Oh my fucking God!” I squealed, my legs wrapping around his waist, pulling him closer and inserting him deeper inside of me. I gasped for air, my nails leaving scratches on his back. “Fuck, it’s so fucking big!”

He thrust deeper, his pumps slow at first but picking up pace. I swear I was about to pass out from how good it felt. “That’s it, baby. You like taking that big cock in your tight cunt?”

The way he was talking to me was about to send me over the edge. I could already feel my body spazzing. “Yes! Fuck yes! Oh my God, make me come all over your fucking dick!”

He was pumping into me so hard, It felt like he was rearranging my insides. My eyes rolled into the back of my head, my entire body felt numb. The words could barely come out of my mouth as I felt that triggering pressure about to implode inside of me. 

“Kev, please don’t stop! I’m about to come…” His movements got faster. I felt his thumb rubbing my clit and within moments, I released all over him. I was unable to control my body, shaking and flailing all over the place. I grabbed the back of his head and slammed his lips into mine, trying my best to muffle my orgasmic screams. Once the high was over, I was exhausted. I could sleep for the next three days. It was the best orgasm I’ve had in my life. It was fucking fantastic. Ten out of ten would nut again!

However, I wasn’t done yet. I slowly hopped down from the vanity top and bent over the counter. I could see Kevin’s eyes light up in the mirror; he loved fucking me from behind. He inserted himself again, his dick felt like it was deeper than the first go around. He was so excited I could hear his nostrils flaring from a mile away as he watched himself slide perfectly into my wetness over and over and over again. 

“How much do you love seeing my ass bounce against your thighs, baby?” I asked, growling.

“Too. Fucking. Much.” He stifled between thrusts. “Where do you want me to come?”

“That’s up to you.” I teased. “Do you want to see me taste your load or do you want to watch it drip down my legs when you come inside me?" 

He didn’t waste any time deciding what he wanted. He pulled out and turned me around, pushing me down to my knees to jerk off into my mouth. I stuck my tongue out and licked the tip of his head. That did him in. He let out a loud grunt and twitched, coming all over my face and open mouth. Most of it landed on my face, I barely got a taste of it. I was temporarily blinded by his semen, afraid to open my eyes and have my vision be blurred by the white substance.

Kevin grabbed a towel off the rack and wiped my face. He picked me off from the cold floor and dried off the rest of my body as well. Once he was done, he gave me a light peck on the nose.

"How do you feel?” He asked.

“Wobbly, light-headed, and really hungry.” I meekly giggled. 

“Me too. I’m starving.” He held out his hand like a gentleman. A very naked and partially wet gentleman. “Breakfast?" 

I placed my palm in his. "Yes, please!”

~

“I feel so gross!” I laid down on the seat of the booth at the diner, trying to digest the four banana chocolate chip pancakes, three scrambled eggs, and multiple strips of bacon I had just consumed (there was literally so much bacon, I lost count of how much I inhaled!) 

I have never been so hungry in my life. I have never eaten so much food in my life. Is it possible to get the sweats from pancakes? If I keep laying down like this, I was going to get sick. I could already feel the pancakes coming back up, and they definitely wouldn’t be as fluffy as when I first shovelled them in. 

“Why didn’t you stop me?” I whined to Kevin, who was laughing at my pain across the table from me as I struggled to sit back up. I grimaced. “It’s not funny! You may have to roll me home if I can’t walk!”

“I am not going to roll you home, the sidewalks are gross!” He chuckled, taking a sip of his coffee. “If I have to, I’ll carry you on my back.”

I imagined myself clinging onto Kevin like a koala as he carries me through the chilly December streets of Boston. Honestly, that doesn’t sound like a bad idea. 

“I think you should just carry me around every day!” I joked, smirking sarcastically. “Like the queen I am!”

“Yeah right, Your ‘Heinous!’" I wasn’t sure if Kevin’s Boston accent had put the spin on the word ‘Highness’ or if he was being an ass. I’m pretty sure he was being an ass, but an ass that did not mean any malicious intent behind his words. However, he knows me well enough that I can clap back pretty quick.

“Well, this ‘heinous’ was going to pay for your meal since you handsomely paid me in fantastic sex this morning, but you can pay for your own pancakes and beverage as well as my meal, thank you very much! And you can forget about that surprise handy I was going to give you when we got home!” I playfully stuck my nose up in the air and tossed my hair to the side as I got up to pompously strut away from the booth. To be honest I was more surprised at the fact that I was able to walk after eating all that food.

“Oh, you’re not going anywhere!” He grabbed me by the waist and pulled me into his side of the booth, placing me on his lap. He placed his hands just under my ribcage, the most sensitive area of my body. I involuntarily twitched just from the touch.

“If you even think about tickling me, you’re going to have a big mess to clean up!” As much as I wanted to joke about this, tickling was a serious offence in my books. I love Kevin, but I will cut a bitch if he even tries it!

I felt his fingers subtly press against my skin. My nostrils flared. “Kevin… don’t!”

It was the slightest movement, his fingertips mildly stimulating my skin. I shrieked, immediately covering my mouth in embarrassment. Kevin stifle his laughter, covering my mouth with his hands as well. I was certain that I made the man sitting behind us temporarily lose his hearing. He looked back at our table and scoffed, rolling his eyes at our immaturity. 

I let go of my mouth but Kevin’s hands shifted to my cheeks, cradling my face to pull me in for a quick kiss. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were going to do that!”

“I warned you!” My cheeks were on fire. Tears were running down my face as I tried to prevent myself from cracking up. “We should go before we get kicked out!” I suggested, my voice abnormally squeaky.

Kevin left the money on the table for the bill and we scooted out of the booth, the both of us apologizing profusely to the man behind us as we left the diner. He didn’t look impressed, at all. Yikes… 

As soon as our feet hit the pavement outside, we exploded into full-on, ROFL-copter laughter (minus the ‘rolling on the floor’ part. Like Kevin said, the sidewalk was gross.) 

We couldn’t stop talking about what happened at the diner on the way back to the loft; the indifferent look on the man’s prudent face, the high-pitched frequency of my squeal and the look of surprise on Kevin’s face when he realized what he had done. It was so awkward and cringy and embarrassing, but shit happens. There’s no need to live life like a grumpy old man, simmering in your doubts and regrets while eating toast at a diner. You laugh about it, and then you move on; a life lesson taught by none other than Mr. H.

We were right outside of the cafe when we heard a voice call out for Kevin. The voice was eerily familiar, and then I remembered where I heard it from. Behind the door of the bathroom stall, the night I got obliterated off of Jaxon’s Blue Swamp cocktail. It was Ren, without her Stimpy. I still couldn’t remember what their actual names were, and to be honest I still didn’t care. She was walking towards us. I stood a few feet away from Kevin and stuck my hands in my pockets, trying to make it look like Kevin and I weren’t in a relationship. 

We’ve been dating for a month and still didn’t make it official, only because we were waiting until the end of the semester to make it public when Kevin was no longer my teacher. However, we’ve gotten a bit sloppy with trying to keep us a secret. First of all, and the most obvious, we were always together. So many people, whether it be students in the class or those that know myself or Kevin on campus, have questioned us about it. Our answer is always the same; we’re just friends. Friends that almost get caught having sex in the janitor’s closet. Friends that also accidentally send up-the-skirt pictures to the other during class and the notification from their laptop shows up on the projector. Thankfully, the notification only said ‘Picture Message from Lil Shawty’ and showed nothing else. Why am I saved in his phone as Lil Shawty? Who knows… 

I did my best to act natural but I felt nothing but intimidated by Ren’s appearance. She definitely did not look like an emotionally unstable, naked Chihuahua. She was taller, prettier, blonder. Confidence just radiated off of her, melting whatever snow was in her path as she cat-walked her way towards us. Her unzipped, baby-sized parka barely covered all of her stomach. I could see her belly button and the green crop top she was wearing. How is she not cold? I’m Canadian and I found it to be quite crisp outside. I noticed she had flyers in her hands, probably out promoting another Greek party I most likely won’t go to. 

“Hey, Kevin!” I forgot how bubbly her voice was. She sounded like an anime character. Just as long as she isn’t a succubus in disguise. 

“Hey, uhh…” Kevin’s eyes squinted while in thought, scratching at the back of his head. “Renee, right?”

“Yeah! You remembered!” Her smile made me queasy. Wait… did he just–

HOLY SHIT! THIS IS THE FUNNIEST SHIT! HER NAME IS RENEE! WHAT ARE THE ODDS!? I would have been madder because of the way she was feeling up on my boyfriend’s arm but I found it more entertaining that my nickname for her was literally spot on! I wonder what her friend’s name is… Stimp-hanie?! 

Renee looked over at me, all I could do was say, “Hey.”

“Uhh, Hi!” She was so confused by my presence, her eyes looked like they were about to look in opposite directions of each other trying to figure out where the fuck I came from. “Do I know you from somewhere?”

Bitch, it’s not like I sat in front of you for THREE WEEKS! “We have Popular Culture together…” She still looked super confused. Really? You don’t know your own class schedule? “Kevin’s class?”

“Oh, right! For a second there, I forgot the name of the course!” She giggled away her stupidity. 

Sure you did… 

She focused back on Kevin, handing him a neon green flyer. “Anyways, next week the Kappa Gamma girls are having a Christmas Banger to celebrate the end of the semester. We thought it would be a great idea for attendees to bring toys for the Christmas Cheer Board instead of charging a cover at the door. Isn’t that great?”

“Yeah, that’s pretty cool. I’ll see if I’m able to make it. Gonna be pretty busy marking papers and what not…” Kevin nonchalantly looked over the flyer and handed it over to me. “I’m sure Jane and her roommate would be interested in going.” 

Renee was taken aback by Kevin’s response. “Umm, yeah. Everybody’s welcome. As long as they got a toy, of course.” Her voice stammered. 

“I’ll have to talk to Gina about it. See if she’s down to go.” I handed back the flyer to her. “Thanks for the invite.” If my words had teeth, they would have bitten her face off. Renee’s arrogance managed to back off, refusing to make eye contact with me as she said goodbye, mentioning that she will see both of us in class later tonight. Her gaze was focused more on him than I. Whatever. 

Renee disappeared into the crowd of strangers, off to spread the word of her sorority’s charitable doings for the holiday season. Since Kevin and I were in the clear, we headed back up to the loft. All I could think about while walking through the cafe is how that whole encounter irked me. I didn’t realize I was in high school again, being ignored for no reason whatsoever. Did I have a white sheet over my head to make me look like a ghost? Was I wearing an invisibility cloak? Not to mention that she clearly knows who I am! During the second week of class, she asked to borrow a pen from me and then offered me Pringles for being so nice to her. What the absolute FUCK?

Kevin noticed I was a little irritated once we got back into the loft. He grabbed my arm to get my attention after I took my coat off and was about to walk away. "Hey… everything okay?" 

I took a deep breath. "Yeah, I’ll be fine. Renee just kind of pissed me off by pretending I wasn’t there. I didn’t realize I would still have to deal with petty high school bullshit at the age of twenty-one but I’ll manage…” Kevin still looked concerned so I smiled to reassure him. “Don’t worry, I’m okay.”

“Okay, yeah…” He linked his fingers with mine and raised one of my hands to his lips. “Also, when we were at the diner earlier. You know I didn’t mean to call heinous, right?”

“Of course! We were both joking around with each other. I didn’t take it to heart.” I explained.

“Okay, good. I just wanted to make sure because you are not even close to being a terrible person. And you’re also not gross, you are absolutely gorgeous. The sexiest thing I’ve seen you do is take down those four giant pancakes earlier.” He continued to ramble on about me, his mouth going a mile a minute. I wanted him to keep going but it looked like he was going to pass out from not taking a breath. I’m also not a conceited person that likes to be showered with compliments. I lifted myself onto my tiptoes and planted my lips against Kevin’s to get him to stop. 

I looked up into his glistening blue eyes. “You weren’t trying to get extra brownie points just now to get your surprise handy back, right?” I quipped.

“Uhh no…” he jokingly scoffed but his eyes had a glint of desperate veracity.“But did it work?”

I was about to slide my hand down his black sweats when we heard a knock at the door. Both of us looked at each other, panicked. 

“Are you expecting someone?” I asked.

“No. Do you think–” There was another knock at the door. 

My first instinct was to hide, quickly shuffling and locking myself in the bathroom. I heard Kevin’s footsteps approach the barn door and slide it open. 

“Holy Shit!” Kevin cried out in excitement, forcing me to push my ear against the door to hear what was going on.

“What’s up, little bro?” It was a man’s voice, he almost sounded like Kevin. Could it be–

“Jimmy! What the hell are you doing here, man?” 

“The team is in town to play the B’s tonight! Wanted to stop by and say hey. You haven’t texted in a while, had to make sure you were still alive!”

“Yeah, uhh. I’m good!” Kevin chuckled. “Just been busy with school. They got me teaching a class through the TA program.”

The voices started to travel more into the loft. Kevin was explaining to Jimmy how he got the job teaching Popular Culture for the semester. At one point I overheard Jimmy say, ‘About time that old man retired! He’s been there for CENTURIES!’ I’m guessing he also had Professor Strauss for another Sociology course, and he also went through the same struggles I had at the beginning of the year. I sat down on the lid of the toilet, wondering when would be a good time to pop out of the bathroom and introduce myself to Kevin’s brother. 

Then I heard my cue.

“Dude, is that a bra?” Jimmy questioned. I knew which bra he was talking about. The white push-up I left on the top of the coffee table.

“Uhh, yeah…” Kevin nervously laughed. “It’s uhh, my… girlfriend’s.”

“Oh, wow. You got yourself an old lady, huh? How long has that been going on for?” 

“About a month. Hold on–Hey, Jane!” 

I unlocked the bathroom door and made my way over to the kitchen island, where Kevin and Jimmy were standing next to each other. I’ve never felt so afraid by the height of two men. I was just getting used to how tall Kevin was and now with Jimmy in the mix, it felt like I was in an episode of Attack on Titan. I sat on the kitchen stool to somehow even my height with them, I still came up a few inches short. 

“Hi, I’m Jane.” My voice was mousy and bashful, my mind was retreating to that eight-year-old mentality where I was timid towards every new person I’m introduced to. I was more anxious by the fact that I didn’t have my grandmother to hide behind and that I was meeting a member of Kevin’s family for the first time. 

“Hey, Jimmy.” He held out his hand to shake mine. It was firm and tight, my hand felt a little cramped afterwards. It was also very clammy. Suddenly, I jumped at the sound of a ringtone going off. Kevin looked at his phone.

“I gotta take this. It’s the Sociology department at the school. I’ll be right back.” He placed his hand on my tense shoulders before heading out to the hallway to take the call, leaving myself and Jimmy alone in the loft. This is a shy person’s nightmare. 

Jimmy broke the ice. “So how did you and Kev meet?”

“At school…” Don’t say you are one of his students! “Through mutual friends." 

"That’s cool. Are you majoring in Sociology too?" 

"Yeah. I’m in the last year of my undergrad.” My throat was getting dry. Where is Kevin? Is he coming back soon? What do I talk about now? Why am I internally freaking out? They’re brothers, they look similar to each other. It should be easy, it’s like talking to another version of Kevin but older…and now there’s weird thoughts in my head. Oh my God, Jane what have you DONE!? YOU PROBABLY LOOK STUPID RIGHT NOW, SAY SOMETHING!

“So, Kevin had mentioned that you play hockey?” I coughed out the frog in my throat, it felt like I was choking on my words. 

Jimmy’s brow lifted and his mouth agape in shock. “I’m surprised he even uttered the 'H’ word. Ever since his injury, he avoids the topic like it’s a flesh-eating disease.” He chuckled.

“Oh… why is that?” I felt kind of weird asking Jimmy but to be honest, the conversation about hockey has never been brought up between Kevin and I. He had only mentioned it once, on the night he walked me to my dorm. I’ve seen the scarring on his leg from the surgeries, and the frame containing his jersey hung up on the wall by his bed. He’s never brought it up out of the blue, but there’s probably good reasoning for it.

“Hockey was his whole life, it was his passion. He would eat, sleep, breathe, bleed hockey. I’m great at what I do, but Kevin, he was the superstar of the family. He played so well with the college that people thought he was gonna make it big; he was gonna win a cup, get a big payday, he was gonna have it all. Then during a game, he took a hit. It wasn’t even a hard hit but it did major damage. Doctors thought he was going to lose his leg. They managed to save it but they told him if he were to play again and injure the same leg, that’s it. He’s done.”

“After that, he kind of lost himself. It was like a part of him died the moment he found out he couldn’t play hockey anymore. He doesn’t like talking about it, He doesn’t want to go to games, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t talk to some of his childhood friends anymore because they play in the league now.”

“Whoa…” I felt myself getting choked up, thinking about how I felt the night Kevin originally told me about his injury. This time the feelings were now ten times worse. “I had no idea…”

“He kind of keeps to himself now, which is the polar opposite of who he used to be. He was a big dog on campus, a major frat boy. He partied a lot, hooked up with a LOT of women–” Jimmy abruptly stopped himself to apologize. 

Despite how I was feeling, It got a giggle out of me. “It’s fine. It’s all in the past, right?”

"Right…” Jimmy looked at the barn door as if he was making sure the coast was clear. His voice got quiet. “…And let’s not forget about Poop-Gate! Dude is never going to live that down!”

Wait, what? My head was slightly cocked to the side. “What’s Poop-Gate?”

“Uhh…” Kevin finally walked back into the loft, Jimmy dropped the subject. “It’s nothing important…”

To be honest, I didn’t want to know. I would never ask him about it. Ever.

“Sorry about that.” Kevin shoved his phone into the pocket of his sweatpants and stood behind my stool, putting his hand on my waist. “I didn’t realize the department head was going to ask me twenty million questions! Did I miss anything exciting?”

“No, not really.” I slightly strained my neck to kiss Kevin on the cheek. “Just talking.”

“We were talking about how boring you are!” Jimmy cracked a joke. I was quick to correct him.

“Oh, he’s not boring.” I immediately thought back to our first date playing laser tag with the little kids, and the indoor tent he set up in the loft. Last week, we went to play glow-in-the-dark mini-golf. The place was so empty that we somehow managed to have a quickie on the side of a pyramid. In my mind, That’s DEFINITELY not boring. 

“He’s a pretty fun guy to be around. I’m pretty lucky…” 

For the next hour, I sat there and listened to stories about Kevin and Jimmy from when they were kids, and how they would cause chaos in the neighbourhood. It was interesting to see the dynamic between the two brothers because it was very different to the relationship I have with my twin sister. It was so foreign for me to see siblings get along and despite being on different paths in life, they still had an unbreakable bond, which was something that I envied. I could tell Kevin looked up to his older brother as a role model, someone that he aspired to be even though Jimmy can do things that he no longer can. That must be a hard pill to swallow; knowing that your brother is living YOUR dream, and you’re just… living. 

Jimmy looked at the time on his phone and realized he had to head out. Before he left, he asked Kevin and me if we wanted to go to the game tonight.

“I can save you tickets at the box office?” He offered. 

“I–uhh…” Kevin started to stammer. His bright, wide-eyed smile suddenly transformed into a despondent, shifty-eyed frown. I’ve seen him dumbfounded before but this was different. I’ve never seen him like this before. I decided to step in.

“Kevin is teaching tonight and I have a paper to work on.” I sighed, genuinely disappointed. I did have a paper to work on, I just had to leave out the part that it was for Kevin’s class. “If I didn’t have twenty pages of research to type up, we would totally go! Hopefully, your team has another game in Boston soon because I’m down to go to the next one! I have never been to a hockey game before.”

“Really? And you say you’re from Canada…” Jimmy facetiously glared at me.

I quipped back, nonchalantly shrugging my shoulders. “There are other things to do in Canada than watch hockey.” 

“Like what?”

“Oh y’know bud, wash the moose, tap the trees for maple syrup, put heat protectant on the igloo. When that’s all done, I sit on the chesterfield with a Molson and watch Canada’s REAL national sport…” I crossed my arms, tilting my head to the side with a hard, smug smile on my face. “Lacrosse.”

“Wow, she’s an asshole!” Jimmy’s jaw comically dropped as he looked at Kevin. “I thought Canadians were supposed to be nice!”

“That’s exactly what I said!” Kevin exclaimed. His arm delicately encircled my neck in the loosest headlock before kissing the top of my head. “But I got used to it. She’s feisty but she’s not that bad.”

“Awe thanks, honey!” I placed my hands on the thick forearm grappling me. I looked up only to see the underneath of Kevin’s chin. “You’re pretty groovy yourself!” 

We walked Jimmy to the door and said our goodbyes. He hugged Kevin and then he hugged me, which took me by surprise, especially when he lifted me off of the ground. Once we slid the barn door shut, I noticed a slight pout on Kevin’s face.

“You okay, big guy?” I put my hand on his back for comfort.

“Yeah, I’m good.” His answer had no emotion behind it, it was almost monotone. “I just miss him already.”

The rest of the afternoon before class was spent working on my paper. Kevin sat at his desk doing his own school work while I had my textbooks and laptop sprawled across the bed. Every now and then, I found myself getting distracted by the frame in the corner of my eye. I stared up at the maroon and gold jersey, reflecting on what Jimmy had said to me. It really got me thinking…

If he didn’t get injured, he wouldn’t be typing away at his laptop, struggling to gather up references for his paper. He wouldn’t be attending conferences with other graduate students in New York. He wouldn’t have been picked to finish teaching Professor Strauss’ class. He wouldn’t be a teaching assistant, or continuing his education, or living in this amazing loft. 

He wouldn’t even know I existed. 

Yet I was still curious. What was he like as a hockey player? How good was he? When it comes to his personality, would he still be the same person? Smart, caring, loyal, goofy? Or did the sport stereotypically inflate his head? The thoughts and questions ran through my mind at light speed. I wasn’t sure how to bring up the subject of wanting to know more about this unknown side of Kevin. I wasn’t sure how he would react to this. Would he be open to it, or would he get upset with it? There’s a reason why he doesn’t bring it up, but I can’t help but feel that I don’t fully know who he is yet. I was missing the final piece to complete the complicated puzzle that is Kevin Hayes. 

I had zoned out thinking about everything. I didn’t realize that I had been pushed down onto the bed, my gaze now focusing on the tall ceiling of the loft. I snapped out of my trance to see Kevin beside me, his hand under my shirt caressing the skin of my not-so-flat stomach. 

“I think it’s time for a break!” He proclaimed, as always that crooked smile got to me. It was almost convincing.

“It’s only been forty-five minutes!” I countered, giggling. “I’ve barely gotten a page done! I need to focus!”

“Well, you could focus on this…” His hand slid down into my underwear. 

I gasped, a wave of pleasure overwhelming me.

“Damn it, Kevin!”


	6. PART SIX

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jane has a confrontation with Renee; Kevin and Jane go skating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This. Ish. Gets. Kinky. Juss Saying. xD Also There Is Soft, Like “I-Threw-Fabric-Softener-In-The-Dryer-And-Now-My-Clothes-Are-Super-SAAAAWFT!”

"So, what's up with you and Kevin?" 

I had just walked into the classroom and wasn't remotely close to my seat in the back row when I was ambushed by Renee. Her slender figure managed to act as an obstruction, blocking the aisle and trapping me in my place. Her long gel nails tapped on the surface of the desks between us, the noise was slowly frustrating me. 

"We're friends." I bluntly answered, exhaling roughly through my flaring nostrils. I tried to sidestep her but she mirrored my move.

"So you're not trying to hit that?" Her overdrawn brows lifted in curiosity. 

What I really wanted to say: "Yes, actually I have hit that. Several times. In fact, he fucked me senseless a few hours ago. I’m probably going to have a hard time sitting in my seat because his handprint is engraved on my ass at the moment. It's a shame that you're missing out but unfortunately, I don't like sharing." 

What I actually said: "No."

Renee scoffed. "You must be out of your mind! Like, look at him!" 

She pointed towards the front of the class, where Kevin was setting up his stuff. He decided to dress more casual tonight, only because we stayed in bed until the very last minute. Backwards baseball cap, Red Sox sweater, and dark blue jeans. I made him wear the wolf grey Jordans. I really liked the way they looked on him. I just really like the way he looked overall.

"He is so fine. He just has this swagger, this attitude that radiates off of him…" Renee leaned in closer to my ear, whispering. "You must be so fucking blind. If he were to even point in my direction, I would come." 

I was trembling with anger, my fingernails dug into my palm as I balled my hands into fists. I bit the inside of my mouth so hard I started to taste blood. I wanted to grab the stupid bitch by the hair and slam her face into the desk, breaking her nose and knocking out a couple of teeth. Instead of acting upon it and getting myself in trouble, I pushed past Renee and sat in my seat at the back of the class. 

I slammed my textbook onto the desk, gripping it so tight I could have ripped the 600-page book in half. What I really wanted to do was smack the four pounds of make-up and alabaster skin right off of Renee's face with it. I wanted to tell her straight not to talk about or gawk at my man like he was nothing but a piece of fucking meat. She sat in her seat at the front, giggling with her friend Stimpy, probably talking about me. She glanced back at me and a smug smile spread across her thin, rosy lips. I was so aggravated, I wanted to fucking scream.

"Dude, you okay?" Jaxon noticed the scowl on my face. Shake it off, Jane. She’s just trying to get under your skin. She’s not going to get in the way of your relationship. Kevin is _yours._

“I’m good…” I took a couple of deep breaths, trying to calm myself down. There was a nerve in my temple, twitching so hard that it was causing a headache. I just had to keep reminding myself, “I’m good.”

“You sure? You seem kind of--”

“I said I’m fine!” I kind of snapped. I quickly regretted it. He was just checking up on me, which was somewhat out of character for Jaxon. “Sorry, I just… I don’t wanna talk about it.” 

“Okay. That’s cool. You want anything to take the edge off?” He pointed at his backpack sitting on the floor beside his desk. After the Blue Swamp debacle, I promised myself not to take anything from Jaxon ever again. I really wanted to, but I shouldn’t.

“I got a paper to finish, but thanks.” I was quick to notice that Jaxon had nothing in front of him. Kevin was giving everyone time to work on their final essays in class so he had time to focus on his own schoolwork. The surface of everyone’s desks had their computer along with their books and other resource material they needed. All but Jaxon, who was just staring at his phone and sipping on who-knows-what in a red coffee Thermos. “Where’s your shit?”

Just as I asked Jaxon what was up, Kevin called him out. “Jaxon! I still haven’t received the outline for your paper yet.”

“Oh, really? I swear I had sent it to your email a few days ago!” I could tell Jaxon was playing dumb, his overexaggerated look of shock on his face was the most obvious giveaway. 

“Well, I don’t have it. Send it to me now, please.” The sternness in Kevin’s voice suddenly made me warm, I felt my walls involuntarily contract. 

“I can’t,” Jaxon smirked.

“Why not?” Kevin was losing his patience with him. Jesus Christ, when he was mad he was hot. It was making me hot. I reached for my neck, rubbing it and my collarbone gently but imagining Kevin’s rough hands squeezing the air out of my lungs. 

Whoa. What the fuck?

“I trashed my laptop last night,” Jaxon explained nonchalantly. “I’m getting a new one tomorrow but I don’t know how long it will take to retrieve my back-up files and if my outline will even be on there. Sorry, Mr. H…”

“Well, if you’re going to be sitting there doing nothing for the next three hours, you can get the fuck out of my class.” Kevin’s jaw clenched as he pointed towards the door. The rest of the students erupted in ‘oohs’ and ‘whoas’ as Jaxon got up from his desk and made his way out of the classroom. He threw up a peace sign as he walked out the door. 

“Deuces!”

The moment the door closed, Kevin rolled his eyes. The classroom was filled with murmurs and whisperings. “Okay, that’s enough! Everybody get back to work!” He shouted over the students. 

An overwhelming shiver spread throughout my body. I felt uncomfortable, sitting in a puddle of my wetness. My underwear was fucking soaked. I’ve never been turned on by his anger before. Maybe this feeling was stemming from the encounter I had with Renee, the simmering animosity inside of me needing a way to exercise itself out. At this point it was clear.

I wanted Kevin to fuck the rage out of me. And I wanted to do the same for him. God, did I ever.

I just had to sit through three hours of this damn class, distracting myself by writing my paper but with the thought lingering in the back of my mind. Of course, I wouldn’t be able to get through this easy. At first, it felt like time was going as slow as molasses and I feared that I would be stuck in this classroom for all of eternity. Then time decided to stop completely as I found myself stuck, staring at the same stupid sentence on my screen. It would resume once I continued to write, but stop again when I found myself trying to structure another stupid FUCKING sentence!! 

_Whoa! Dude, calm down. Take a deep breath..._

And then it got worse. I heard her agitating voice and the rage instantly resurfaced.

“Hey Kevin, can you help me with something?” 

I looked up from my screen and saw Renee getting up from her seat, strutting confidently over to the big desk at the front where Kevin was. She stood beside him, purposely bending over so her breasts in her barely-there shirt were levelled with his eye line. She placed a hand on his shoulder, her face getting uncomfortably close to his as she asked him about her paper. I glared at her for so long, I didn't notice my middle finger pressed down the on 'R' key, transcribing three pages of 'rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…'

Kevin shuffled his chair a few feet away from Renee, trying to avoid making eye contact with the boobs in his face. He caught a glimpse of my cold stare watching the two of them and did his best to promptly answer her ridiculous questions, stuttering his way through. 

"Does this sound right? I'm not sure."  
"Yup. Makes sense to me."  
"Are you sure? What about this? Should I rewrite it?"  
"No, that looks alright. Sounds like a good argument."  
"Well, what about--"

What I wanted to do: Jump on my desk and scream, "SIT THE FUCK DOWN ALREADY! HE DOESN'T WANT YOU BECAUSE HE HAS ME!"

What I actually did: Stay seated and didn't say a word. My blood was overheating, I could feel it bubbling and boiling in my veins. She knew what she was doing. She knew how I felt about him. The only thing she didn't know was the truth, but she's not dumb. She'll figure it out. Hell, she probably knows now because of the way I'm shooting laser beams at her with my eyes as she walks back to her desk. 

Fuck this. I'm not waiting any longer. I grabbed my phone and pretended to get a call, excusing myself from the classroom and making my way over to the janitor's closet. I texted Kevin, telling him where I was. Within minutes, he was knocking at the door. 

"Jane, I--"

"Shut up!" 

Without hesitation I pulled him into the closet, immediately grabbing him by the neck and pulling him down to my height. I passionately smashed my lips onto his and we started to make out. Our mouths opened in sync and our teeth and tongues started to clash against each other. I went straight for the zipper on his jeans, undoing the button at the top and pulling down the mechanism. My hand slithered into his boxer briefs and I got a hold of his thick member. The slightest touch instantly made him rock hard. At this point, I was so wet I was going to need a change of pants.

I got down on my knees and sucked him off, beginning with my hand stroking his girthy shaft as my lips and tongue massaged the head of his cock. 

"Do you like that? Do you love it when I suck on your big knob...Daddy?" The word had kind of slipped out, but the moment it left my lips I felt myself and Kevin shudder in excitement. He fucking loved it.

"I love it when you choke on my cock, too…" He grabbed the back of my head and pushed me down until my lips hit the base of his dick. He began to thrust, I gagged on him as he face-fucked me. I managed to get my hand down my yoga pants and play with my swollen bud. The second I touched myself, I let out a deep moan that made his dick flutter as it hit the back of my throat. My tongue escaped from my mouth, extending down to lick the top of his ballsack. Even I surprised myself with that one, I didn't know how flexible my tongue was.

"Oh, shi--Get up." Kevin pick me off of the floor and bent me over the stainless steel sink in the closet, pulling down my pants. "Daddy wants you to come on his cock." 

His fingers felt up the juice on my slit before inserting himself. My face wrinkled, a soft, inhumane noise escaped my mouth. My walls clenched around him as he started to pump. 

"Seeing you get mad in class made me so fucking horny." I whimpered, arching my back to feel him deeper inside me. "It made me want you so bad. Especially when that stupid bitch was trying to hit on you."

"Don't worry, baby. You're the only girl for Daddy." Kevin gathered up my hair and yanked on it, lifting the upper half of my body to be aligned with his. His hand felt up my tit through my shirt, his teeth nibbling on my ear lobe. I felt nothing but pure, raw ecstasy. 

"Am I your little slut?" I asked, a devilish grin smeared across my face.

"Oh fuck yes!" He grunted.

"Tell me. I wanna hear the words come out of your mouth…"

His hand wrapped around my neck, something I had been anticipating to happen all night. His voice was a low, wicked growl. "You're Daddy's little slut, baby girl…"

I put my hand on top of his and forced him to apply more pressure. I took a deep breath. 

"Fucking choke me out and make me come."

I felt his big palm tighten around me, cutting off my oxygen. His other arm was wrapped around my waist, his thrusts getting deeper and harder. I wheezed, unable to catch my breath but edging like crazy. Hearing him groan into my ear, complimenting me on how tight and amazing my pussy felt, it turned my world upside down. Everything was hazy. I was starting to see the light but in a good way. I've never been so fucked up on sexual adrenaline.

My body squirmed all over his cock, releasing pulsating waves of absolute pleasure. I grabbed onto Kevin's hair and pulled his head into the crook of my neck. "I'm coming…" 

He covered my mouth with the hand that choked me as I squealed with joy, riding my erotic high. Kevin bit into and sucked on my trap muscle, huffing and grunting. "Fuck, I'm gonna come too…" 

"I wanna feel your hot load drip out of my pussy for the rest of class," I said, breathless. "Nut inside of me, please Daddy…"

"Jesus fucking--" I felt his release in an instant. His pumping got rough and out of rhythm. His hold got tighter, his mouth leaving love marks on my neck. He pulled out and immediately I felt his load spill out of me. He noticed the cum dripping down my thigh. "God damn, that is so fucking hot…"

I cleaned myself up, using some paper towel that I snatched from beside the sink. Before we left the closet, Kevin embraced me. 

"Hey…" He lifted my chin with his finger and kissed me. It was deep, full of emotion. "I love you." 

"I love you." As weird as it sounds, hearing those words was the ultimate reassurance. Aside from the crazy, intense sex we just had, I was his. He was mine. That's all that mattered. 

I held his hand on the way to the classroom. As we approached the door, he held it open for me. "After you!" He smiled.

We both walked into the room at the same time and all eyes were on us. This probably didn't look good; His hair was a mess, I'm pretty sure I had saliva in mine. Both of our faces beet red, both breathless. He examined his zipper, making sure it wasn't down. I readjusted my shirt, wiping the excess spit off of my lips with my thumb. I immediately noticed Renee's stinky eye. I walked by her desk and stopped, smirking as I bent down to say something in her ear.

What I wanted to say: By the way, he didn't need to point in my direction to make me come.

What I actually said: By the way, he didn't need to point in my direction to make me come… He just used his dick.

I bent back up, covering my mouth 'innocently' with my hand before strutting confidently back to my desk. "Whoops!"

Power. Bitch. Move. Macey would be proud.

~

"The look on her face was HYSTERICAL! It was like I sucker-punched her with my words and it was freaking amazing!"

I took a bite of my greasy, cheesy pepperoni pizza slice, chewing quickly as I wanted to continue indulging in my triumph against Renee. I hated to talk with my mouth full of food, but at this moment I couldn't help myself. "It felt so good to put her in her place! And for the rest of the class, she just sat slumped in her chair, sulking like a child!"

The entire time I was basking in my glory, Kevin had zoned out. To be honest, he's been acting weird ever since we got home. I didn't even have my coat off and he had already stripped himself down, asking if I wanted to take a shower with him. Obviously, I wasn't going to refuse as I still felt a little messy...down there. 

Now that I think about it, he was fine up until I took my shirt off. We both noticed the slight bruising beginning to develop on my neck. Three small dots evenly spaced out, reminiscent to the fingers adding pressure to my neck earlier in the night. The light reddish-purple shade was already starting to clash with my olive-toned skin. I waved it off; to me, it wasn't that bad. It was tiny compared to the country-sized contusions I've suffered before. Kevin, on the other hand, has looked distraught ever since. He profusely apologized while we were in the shower; dousing me with kisses, caressing my skin with his docile touch, taking the loofah from my hands and helping me clean. I kept trying to reassure him that it was okay; the bruise didn’t hurt, it was going to fade away in a few days and it had happened in the heat of the moment. Everything was going to be okay. 

Cut to now. Sitting on the couch in our pyjamas, watching Netflix and eating pizza together. However, turns out I had devoured almost half of the pepperoni pie and Kevin was still on his first slice. I was just realizing now that I’ve been continuing on like the bruise wasn’t a big deal and he was still physically and emotionally upset over it. _Way to ignore your boyfriend's feelings, you idiot…_

I tossed the pizza box onto the coffee table and paused the episode of _How I Met Your Mother_ playing on the TV. I crawled over to his side of the couch and straddled his lap, lifting and cradling his face in the palm of my hands to look up at me. I planted soft, greasy kisses on his cheeks, forehead, and nose before going in for the big ones. His lips had a subtle hint of tomato sauce on them. The kiss managed to wake him from his daze, his blue eyes sullen and round as they looked into mine.

"I'm sorry." I frowned.

Kevin’s brow lifted in confusion. “Why are you sorry?"

"Because I feel like I'm pushing your feelings aside when I shouldn't be. I really am okay, though.” My fingers got tangled in his light brown hair. It was starting to get a little shaggy. I didn’t mind it, he was still cute. “I just want you to be okay.” 

Kevin sat up from his slouched position, his hands gently holding onto my hips as if I was suddenly too fragile for him to handle. “I know. I just--I didn't mean to hurt you. And I'm probably getting too much in my head about it but I don't want people to think I purposely did that to you.” 

I suddenly got very defensive. "Absolutely not. I won't let that happen. I would never let anyone slander your name like that. Besides, by the time we let people know that we're dating it will be gone."

"Yeah, but--" 

"Kevin…" Seeing the glimmer of sadness in his eyes and the perma-frown that has been stuck on his face for a while struck a chord inside of me. I really hated seeing him like this. Suddenly, I was fighting with the lump forming in my throat. My voice was shaky as I tried to reason with him. "I'm okay. Really, I'm fine. Accidents happen. I just really hate seeing you upset because it makes me upset..."

I took a deep breath. That was a mistake. It triggered a flurry of immense emotion that I had never felt before. I choked back on the lump in my throat and a flood of unforeseen tears gushed back my cheeks. My vision became blurry, my lips quivered, I couldn't stop sniffling. Why was I crying? 

"Oh no, Jane…" The look on Kevin's face went from miserable to concerned. He tried to wipe away the tears under my eyes but it kept going like an annoying leaking faucet. "No, don't cry. I'm so sorry."

"I don't even know why I'm crying! I'm not doing this on purpose, I swear! It just came out of nowhere!" I was giggling and bawling my eyes out at the same time, all of it coming out as one big uncontrollable sob.

"What were you thinking about before you started to cry?" He asked, tucking a piece of my hair behind my ear, his fingers ravelled up between the long medium brown strands.

"I was thinking about how you are the sweetest person that I have ever met, and I have never had anyone care about me as much as you do. You're so amazing and thoughtful and funny and smart. There are days where I'm so confused because I don't know how I managed to have someone fall in love with my broken and lonely and bashful personality. I have never been able to be myself around my family but with you, I can..." 

A pain struck my chest as I gasped for air. I went in full ugly cry mode; make-up smudged, snot and saliva drooling out of my orifices, my speech blubbering and incoherent. I didn't want Kevin to see me like this so I collapsed into his chest, sobbing harder as his hands softly stroked my back for comfort. 

"I don't know what I would do with myself if I lost you…" It sounds cliche but it was true. 

There's always that one person that helps you feel better about yourself, makes you realize that you are worthy and capable. They're the one that becomes your cheerleader in life, motivating you to succeed and encourage you when you feel discouraged. They make sure there's a pep in your step by making you laugh or smile, and when you're upset and need someone to hold they're right beside you, arms wide open. They are your better half, your soulmate, your companion. They are your person, forever and always.

Kevin is my person.

"I'm not going anywhere, Jane." I heard a crack in his voice. I looked up to see tears welling up in Kevin's wide, bright blue eyes. 

"Now I'm making you cry! I'm sorry!" I sniffled, accidentally smothering him in snotty kisses. 

"I'm okay, I promise." He assured, shaking away the water from his eyes. "I'm just really tired." 

"Me too." I pressed my lips softly against his and he reciprocated, holding me close to him as he got up from the couch and carried me to bed. He lifted the covers and lowered me onto the cushiony memory foam mattress before sliding in beside me. He turned around to cuddle me from behind when I shifted around to stop him. 

"Can I be the big spoon tonight?" I asked. My voice became nasally from crying. Kevin let out a soft chuckle, and for the first time tonight I saw that adorable smirk that I loved so much. 

“Of course you can.” 

He flipped onto his side and I draped my arm over his shoulder and onto his chest, my other arm threaded between the pillow and his head so my fingers could lock together in a tight embrace. My head was nestled so close to his that I could hear him breathing in and out of his nose. My leg on the outside wrapped around his hip and curled in between his thighs. 

I was so relaxed that within moments my body went limp as I ventured off into a deep sleep, a tranquil smile resting on my face. My sleeping position would change overnight but one thing stayed the same; I would never let go of him. 

After a sound sleep, I woke up in the morning to the smell of… burning toast? 

...and there's the smoke detector. That can't be good. I shot out of bed and sprinted towards the kitchen to see Kevin waving a tea towel in front of the screaming alarm. 

"Shit, shit, shit! Shut up!" He whispered frantically to himself, unaware that I was standing behind him, admiring the way that his butt jiggled when he was in a panic. The detector finally stopped beeping and he let out a sigh of relief, only to turn around and be startled by my appearance. "Jesus!"

"No, it's Jane. You know this!" I joked, walking around the kitchen island to the counter to see what Kevin attempted to make. Just as I suspected… he burnt toast. The thick, whole wheat slices were somehow charred to a crisp inside of the toaster. I covered my mouth, trying to muffle my laughter. "How did you manage to do that?"

"I have no idea! I thought I had turned down the settings on this thing!" Kevin tried to carefully pick the toast out of the slots, singeing his fingertips in the process. He shook his hand, seething in pain as he dropped the burnt food onto a plate. "Ow! Dammit!"

I grabbed Kevin's wrist and led him to the sink, instructing him to keep his hand in the cool running water. I walked back over to the toaster and instantly figured out what went wrong. "Kev, you had the knob turned to the highest setting…" I turned the knob downwards before the same mistake was made again.

"Seriously?" He let out an aggravating sigh. "I'm such an idiot! I was trying to do something nice by making you breakfast in bed and I can't even make toast without fucking it up!" 

"At least you didn't burn down the loft?" I shut off the water and examined Kevin's pruning fingers. "Would you like me to kiss your boo-boos better?"

"Yes, please!" He pouted, answering without any hesitation. I softly planted my lips against his fingertips. 

"Does that feel better?"  
"No. Do it one more time please?"  
I kissed his fingers again. "How 'bout now?"  
"Another one?" His bottom lip stuck out. I did it one more time.  
"Better?"  
"I think I need one more…"  
"Kevin…"  
"Please?" He whimpered like a puppy.  
I playfully rolled my eyes. "This is the last one!"  
"Okay, I'm good now!" This time it was his lips pressing against mine, followed by a smirk. "Thanks, babe."

"You're welcome. So, what's for breakfast?" 

All he was trying to do was make avocado toast. It's a simple three-step process and he couldn't even get past the first step. I don't know why I found it cute and funny that he could barely operate a toaster. It reminded me of the time I watched him attempt to mop up water and being completely clueless. A lot of women probably wouldn't be able to tolerate a man who couldn't function. For me, I didn't mind helping when he needed it. If anything, it gave me time to bond with him, to learn his habits and his weird little quirks. 

For instance, I knew Kevin was left-handed but I just noticed the way he awkwardly held the knife when cutting the avocado. I noticed the way he winced every time the knife sliced through and hit the top of the bamboo cutting board. It was like he was scared to cut himself or the noise itself. I noticed the way he hovered over me while I monitored the toaster, boasting that he finished his job before I did. I noticed the way he likes to smash the avocado up before putting it on his toast rather than leaving it in slices. I noticed the way he can eat one slice of avocado toast within three bites. Once he was done eating, I noticed the way he watched me nibble on my food, his goofy smile beaming across his face as he becomes entranced by the way my jaw moves when I chew. 

After breakfast, I got up and began to wash the dishes that were used when I felt Kevin's presence from behind. His hand swept away my hair to expose the bruised side of my neck. The three spots had turned to a darker shade of blue and purple, but still small in size. He pecked softly around the tender blemish, his kisses leaving a cooling effect on my warm skin. 

"How are you feeling?" He asked, his voice sounding like velvet in my ear. 

"I'm good. My neck doesn't hurt in any way and the bruises are small enough that I can cover it with make-up and a sweater." I shut off the water and turned around, giggling at the toast crumbs resting on Kevin's pecs. I dusted him off with my hands before placing them on his bare chest. Like I said before, he has weird little quirks. 

"Well, I still feel bad about what happened so I want to make it up to you." I felt Kevin's hands land on my butt, cupping it and lifting me onto the counter. He leaned in closer to me, my arms draping over his shoulders as I looked into his bright-eyed stare. "We can do whatever you want today." 

"Whatever I want, huh?" I clarified. My eyes squinted and my brow lifted inquisitively. "What's the catch?"

"No catch. Just you and me doing stuff you want to do. We can go to a movie, or we can go shopping, or go to an arcade. Hell, I'll even get matching mani-pedis with you. Whatever you want, I'm down for it."

"Hmm…" The mani-pedis didn't sound like a bad idea. I could clearly imagine Kevin sitting in those big luxurious massaging chairs, happily relaxing with his feet in the bubbling foot spa and getting his fingernails filed down by an esthetician. 

However, I had something else in mind. Something that I've always wanted to do since I was a kid but never had the chance to do it. Something that I know Kevin could teach me. 

"Well, I do have something in mind…"

~

"Alright! Stand up and let me know how that feels."

I got up slowly, my legs wobbling around from not being used to standing in skates. My feet felt like they were suffocating from how tight the laces were tied. I didn't want to make it a big deal out of it but the cringing look on my face said otherwise.

"Too tight?" Kevin asked.

"Uhh…" I took another step and it felt like my pinky toe dissociated from my foot. I winced in pain. "Just a little bit, but it's not that bad..."

I tried to head out the door of the dressing room, awkwardly taking large clumsy strides to ease the agony but Kevin stopped me. "Sit back down, I'll loosen your laces. If I don't, you're gonna be cursing my name later." 

"Awe…" I pouted but reluctantly agreed, making my way back to the bench. The entire time Kevin was readjusting my laces, I was getting antsy. I wanted to get on the ice already!

Yes, I asked to go skating. Yes, I have no freaking idea HOW to skate. I used to rollerblade a lot when I was a kid but Kevin said that wasn't 'exactly the same' when comparing it to ice skating, to which I replied, 'then show me the way, Sensei.' To be honest, I'm surprised he agreed to go. With all of the things Jimmy told me about Kevin distancing himself from hockey after his injury, I assumed that skating would be blacklisted in his catalogue of things to do while on a date. 

However, the moment I told him what I wanted to do, his eyes lit up brighter than I've ever seen them before. I was happy--no, I was more surprised than anything that he didn't turn down the idea. Hopefully, going skating together will strengthen our bond a bit more, especially after the small hiccup we had the night before with the bruise. Maybe I can learn a bit more about the side of Kevin that I never got the chance to meet and witness. 

He knew exactly where to go and what to do. He had the hook-up at a rec centre he used to skate at when he was a kid, and we were able to get the rink to ourselves for a few hours before a peewee hockey game tonight. I had to rent out skates whereas he still had his own, hiding in a bag at the back of his closet in the loft. He also had a pair of hockey gloves and a funky smelling jockstrap chilling in the bag as well, which he kept for sentimental value. Note to self: buy an air freshener for Kevin's skate bag. 

"Okay," Kevin finished up, double-knotting my laces. "How does that feel?" 

I got up and let out a huge sigh of relief. It was snug but it no longer felt like boa constrictors were squeezing my feet. "Oh, much better!"

"Great! And one more thing…" Kevin reached between my legs for a helmet sitting in a compartment underneath the bench, placing it gently on top of my head. "I don't need you getting another concussion!"

"Of course!" I moved my hands around, voguing and posing with the helmet. "Safety is very trendy! All the rage! S'cute!" 

"You're such a dork!" Kevin shook his head, letting out a lighthearted chuckle. He interlocked his fingers with mine and carefully led me out to the rink. "Let's go, you weirdo!" 

When we approached the rink, I trembled upon seeing the ice. The enthusiasm I had suddenly turned into intimidation as I watched Kevin effortlessly step onto the sleek, slippery surface. The blade of his skate carved into the ice like a knife slicing through butter. I held onto the threshold of the rink. My nerves were starting to get the best of me, my heart wanted to flutter out of my chest thinking of worst-case scenarios. I was imagining myself falling and breaking a bone and drastically cutting myself with the sharp blade. I was getting too much into my head when I saw a hand reach out for mine.

“It’s okay, I got you.” Kevin encouraged. “We’re gonna take it slow. Step onto the ice one foot at a time and keep your knees bent for balance.”

“Okay…” I shook off the nerves, taking a deep breath and trying to amp myself up. “I got this. I got this…”

I followed Kevin’s instructions, stepping onto the ice one foot at a time, bending my knees to not mess up my equilibrium. He grabbed my hands and spread my arms out for more control. He started to glide backwards, casually dragging me with him. 

“That’s it!” He praised. “Careful with your feet, don’t have them too close or too far from each other.”

I concentrated on keeping my feet at shoulder-width apart. I was unable to look anywhere else but down at the ice. "Like this?"

“Perfect! I’m gonna keep dragging you like this. Once you get used to the ice and get balanced, I want you to turn your toes outward and have one leg a bit more in front of the other. Then push your back leg out and diagonally. Does that make sense?”

It was too much information to take in all at once; toes out, one leg in front of the other, push out and diagonally. It sounded ridiculously complicated in my mind; I was literally that meme of the confused lady with the complex equations circling around her head. I looked up at Kevin perplexed, an awkward anxious smirk on my face. “I guess?” 

“You can do it, Jane!” His blue eyes looked brighter due to the reflection of the light hitting the ice as he smiled and cheered me on. “You’re doing so good right now. I believe in you!”

I looked back down at my feet and gradually brought my heels together. For a moment I lost my balance and wavered, immediately feeling doubtful about my next move. 

"It's okay if you fall I'll catch you. I'm right here." Kevin continued to comfort me, giving me enough confidence to keep going.

I put one leg slightly in front of the other and took the other foot off the ice just for a second to push back and diagonal. I moved closer to Kevin with the first stride. Was that it? Did I do it?

Kevin beamed from ear to ear, he was ecstatic. “You did it! Keep going!” 

I pushed off the ice again with the other foot, then again with the first foot, and kept going and going and--Holy shit, I’m skating! I’m actually doing it! This is insane! I was going so fast that Kevin was able to let go of one of my hands and skate beside me. Then his other hand disappeared and I was on my own. I staggered a little bit but remembered to keep low and hold my arms out for balance. I looked back at him, a wide grin across my face holding two thumbs up. 

"This is awesome!" I squealed, my high pitched voice echoing throughout the rink. I was so focused on skating and constantly looking down at my feet that I suddenly lost my sense of direction. I looked up facing forward and realized I was heading straight for the boards, and fast. 

"Kevin?” I didn’t hear a response. “Kevin?!” 

My speed was increasing so rapidly that I had no control of my legs. I didn't want to adjust anything about my stance; I was scared it would throw off my stability and I would fall horrifically onto the ice. However, this situation could be worse. In fact, this was another one of those worst-case scenarios I had thought about; being unable to stop on my own and crashing hard, hurting myself. I panicked, freaking out at the top of my lungs. "KEVIN, HOW DO I STOP?"

The boards were quickly approaching. I braced myself for impact when I felt his arms swoop in and grab a hold of me, narrowly avoiding a messy collision. It was like I was a damsel in distress, falling to my death off of a high-rise building and being rescued at the very last second by a caped crusader. In this case, my superhero was a tall, muscular man in hockey skates, holding me tight to the side of his body as we glided to safety.

‘See? I told you I got you!” Kevin’s trademarked crooked smirk appeared. Seeing his face gave me a little bit of relief, but it took me a moment to gather my thoughts and calm myself down. I don’t want to exaggerate, but my life did flash before my eyes. 

We stopped in front of the opening where we started and Kevin released his hold on me. He bent down trying to catch his breath, his brow dripping with sweat once he stood up straight.

“Are you okay?” I rubbed his back in concern. He nodded, inhaling deeply through his nose and exhaling out of his mouth.

“Yeah…” He took a second to compose himself, still gasping for air. “Haven’t skated hard like that in a while. I must be really out of shape…”

I looked him up and down. “Out of shape?” I could say otherwise.

“Well, when your body is so used to a certain routine and then you stop doing it for a few years, it’s not going to pick back up exactly where you left off.” Kevin moved one of his legs and winced, letting out a disparaging chuckle. “Great, my legs are starting to stiffen up.”

“Let’s go sit down for a bit.” I linked my arm with his and led him off of the ice to the bleachers nearby. I took off my helmet and let Kevin sit and relax while I wobbled over the canteen in my skates to buy us a couple of Gatorades. I came back to the sight of Kevin's leg fully extended and stretched out on the bench. He was massaging the muscles in his thigh when I passed him his drink. 

"How's your leg?" I asked concerned, immediately recognizing it was the exact limb that he had injured when he was playing hockey. 

"It's good. Gonna keep it resting like this for a bit." He pulled me down to sit beside him and put his arm around my shoulders. "How are you doing?"

"I'm a little traumatized, but I'll be fine." I softly cracked a smile, transfixed by the attentive look on Kevin's face as he listened to me. "I just need some more practice and then I'll be able to skate circles around you." 

"With the state I'm currently in, that sounds like a possibility!" He laughed it off but I went mum on the subject. I felt weird about what he said, maybe because I didn't want him to feel so despondent about something he was so passionate about before.

We there in silence for a bit as we watched the staff at the rec centre start setting up for the hockey game. They brought out the Zamboni to clean up the ice, followed by placing the nets at each end of the rink. I sat there, reluctant to ask him what I've been wanting to ask him for a while. Finally, my curiosity got the best of me and the question spilled out.

"Do you miss it?" 

Kevin's head tilted to the side. "Miss what?" 

I got a sudden shiver, the word came stuttering out of my mouth. "H-h-hockey?" 

"Uhh…" He sucked in his lip in thought. "Sure?" He sounded unsure of his answer but continued to clarify. 

"I mean, there are days where I miss it and days where I don't. Lately, I haven't been thinking about it but then Jimmy came by yesterday and for a moment, I remembered all the good things I loved about hockey. I think that's why I got excited when you asked to go skating. I was able to dust off the skates and maybe show off a little bit to my lady…" 

There was a small smirk on his face but it vanished in a mere second. "I went too hard, too fast. That was my fault, I was an idiot for thinking it would be easy to jump back into it so quickly. Maybe it’s for the best anyways."

It was my turn to be encouraging. “I wouldn’t think of it that way. You did say you were out of shape, you just have to take it in baby steps. Start off slow; go to physiotherapy, strengthen your legs again, get some solo skating sessions in. Who knows, maybe eventually you can get back into that routine you were used to when you were in hockey. You could start playing again if you really wanted to.”

“Me? Playing again?” Kevin scoffed at the idea. “Very unlikely. I was told if I were to injure my leg again, I wouldn’t even be able to walk straight. I have to be careful with the things I come into contact with.”

I cleared my throat. “Well...you do come into contact with me all the time. Sometimes three to five times a day...”

“Oh my God!” Kevin rolled his eyes, I felt a tight squeeze on my shoulder as he laughed. At least I got a smile out of him. “Not that like, you perv! You’re not a 230-pound dude smashing me up against a wall!”

“Seriously though, have you ever got a second opinion about your injury?” I asked.

"And a third, and a fourth. When it comes to hockey, the odds aren't in my favour anymore." Kevin nonchalantly shrugged. "It kind of sucks but that's life."

I bit down on the inside of my cheek, trying to prevent my bottom lip from trembling. My voice was a little jittery. “I’m sorry…”

"There's nothing for you to be sorry about, but I appreciate you wanting to help me." The sensation of his lips pressed against my forehead was a quick remedy that got rid of any sombre feeling I had running through my head. "Besides, being here with you, a hundred times better than being surrounded by women who want me just because I'm good looking and play a sport."

“Wait a minute…” I smirked facetiously. ‘“Who said you were good looking?”

Kevin’s jaw dropped to the floor. He pointed towards his leg sprawled out on the bleacher. “Oh come on, woman! Don’t drag a man down like that, especially when he’s already down like I am! Just wait until I tell my girlfriend about this, who by the way, thinks I am extremely attractive!”

I sarcastically gasped while my eyebrows scrunched together. I put my hand sympathetically on my chest. “Oh no, the poor thing! She must be blind!” 

“Wow, Jane! WOW! You are such a SMART--” I squished his face between my hands, making a doofus sandwich, and pressed my lips hard against his. He placed his hand on the back of my head, his fingers threading through my tangled helmet hair. We stopped kissing as soon as we overheard the horde of eleven-year-olds exiting their dressing room, yelling at us to get a room.

“Well, shall we get a room?” Kevin’s deep, intimate voice jolted my body with electric shocks. I almost left hypnotized staring into his crystal blue eyes.

“As long as you don’t tell your girlfriend about us.” 

As we were leaving the rec centre, I thought about how my relationship with Kevin was like climbing a never-ending mountain. We were constantly battling a steep incline, sometimes we were slipping along the way or taking detours to get around certain obstacles. And just when we thought we had reached the top of the mountain, the clouds part away from each other and reveal the next slope that we would have to trek. It gets a little bit harder each time but in the end, we always make it to the summit. Somedays I wish for a plateau, something to keep us levelled for a while so we can relax and enjoy our time together before we reach a new peak. However, the further we make it up the mountain, the further we can make it in life. Right now, this mountain I was climbing with Kevin was reaching the ozone layer, heading into an infinite galaxy.

I just wish I was ready for that slip. The one that sends us crashing back down to Earth, leaving us battered and bruised and without a will to live.

Because I sure as hell wasn’t anticipating it.


	7. PART SEVEN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the night of the Christmas Banger, and things don't go as planned...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [TRIGGER WARNING: READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED] THERE IS ONE SCENE THAT CONTAINS SENSITIVE SUBJECT MATTER. IF YOU PREFER NOT TO READ IT, PLEASE SKIP TO THE END OF THE WARNING! ALSO, COLLEGE PARTY, DRINKING, SOME SOFT, AND A SPECIAL POV SCENE.

 

It's finally the end of the semester. Papers have been handed in, midterms have been written, and the winter break shenanigans have already begun.

 

Tonight is the night of the Christmas Banger at Kappa Gamma. Tonight, for the first time in my college experience, is my night to kick back and have fun. 

 

_ Then it all fell apart… _

 

I carefully positioned the Santa hat on my head and took one last look at my outfit in the mirror. I double-checked to make sure my emerald green skirt wasn't too short in the back, and that my black velvet choker was thick enough to cover the yellow-greenish spots on my neck. I fixed the sleeves of my black off-the-shoulder top and put the finishing touches on my make-up. With all of the glitter and rhinestones I had on my face, I looked like I could be an extra on  _ Euphoria _ . I was applying one more layer of lip gloss when I heard a knock at the bathroom door.

 

"Jane, are you almost done? I have to pee!" I would offer Kevin the chance to use the bathroom while I finish getting ready but I know he gets pee-shy around me. 

 

"I'll be out in a minute, love!" I cleaned up the excess of eyeshadow that dusted onto my lower lash line and picked off a few of the unnecessary rhinestones before tidying the mess I made on the bathroom counter. I could hear Kevin pacing outside the door.

 

“Jaaaaaneeeeeeeee!” He whimpered. “If you’re not out soon, I’m peeing in the kitchen sink!”

 

“I’m sorry! Just one second!” I tossed my make-up bag into the bottom cupboard and finally opened the door to leave. 

 

I only had one foot out of the door when Kevin rushed by me and made a beeline for the toilet. Within moments, I heard an overexaggerated cry of relief, followed by the sound of the toilet flushing. I giggled to myself as I poured a drink in the kitchen, a simple orange juice and vodka cocktail. Kevin walked around the corner upon returning from the bathroom and stopped in his tracks when he finally saw what I was wearing.

 

“Whoa…” He bit his bottom lip, rubbing the back of his neck as his blue irises got dark with temptation. “You look like one of Santa’s elves that escaped from the workshop to go clubbing.”

 

"I didn't escape, it's my night off." I quipped, moving around the counter to sit on one of the stools in front of the kitchen island. "I was told to stay around the North Pole, but I'm a bit of a rebel. I can't resist a good party."

 

Kevin walked over with a swagger in his step, stopping in front of me and placing his big hands on my thick thighs. His touch sent a jolt throughout my body. I wasn't sure if it was the alcohol hitting me or the way his touch caressed my skin, but my body temperature increased. I could feel the heat radiating off of my core as Kevin's fingers slid under my skirt. 

 

"Are you a naughty elf?" His voice was lower than usual, which only meant one thing; He really liked what he was seeing, and he was becoming ravenous for more. 

 

I pushed his hand further up my leg, his fingers grazing the wetness coming from my slit. His slight touch already had me spinning. I let out a soft moan before my eyes narrowed in on his lustful stare.

 

"How naughty do you want me to be?" 

 

This situation felt familiar, and I thought about how this moment was much more different compared to the last time. The major difference was that I was no longer confused about my feelings. The way I felt about him was permanently etched in my mind, the statement rewritten in the freshly poured cement that was fixing the previous mistake.

 

I was fully committed and unequivocally in love with Kevin Hayes.

 

And things have been going great. More than great actually. My relationship with Kevin has been nothing but perfect. I was ecstatic to spend all of Winter break with him. Come this time next week, both of us will be in Toronto spending Christmas with my family. Kevin was the one who suggested it and even researched all the tourist attractions he wanted to visit. He even asked to learn the names of all of my extended family so he knew who they were the moment he met them. I have never been so impressed by anyone in my life. 

 

To be honest, I haven't been home for Christmas since freshman year and wasn't planning on going because of money. When I told Kevin, he offered to pay for my flight. I refused, I have no idea how to pay him back right away, but he insisted. He really wanted me to go home for Christmas, to which I told him, 'I could be anywhere in the world--Hell, I could be on Mars or on a comet wandering the galaxy. As long as you're there with me, I'm home.'

 

I balled my fist into Kevin's heather grey shirt and pulled him down to my height, tasting the coffee he had been drinking all day. It did not mix well with the vodka and orange juice, but it didn't matter to me. The first kiss was already full of fervour. I love the way his smooth, silky lips aligned perfectly with mine. It's like our lips were meant to coexist with each other. I love the way our mouths opened in sync, and the way our tongues swayed and danced together. My whimpering got worse as his finger grazed along my folds, his touch teasing me on purpose. I gently bit on his bottom lip while he sucked on my top lip. I wanted more of him, my hands travelling under his shirt and lightly scratching at his defined pecs. I spread my legs open and his fingers inched towards my bud. 

 

I was ready to feel an immense wave of pure pleasure when there was a loud and sudden pounding coming from the entrance of the loft. My mood immediately shifted to utter disappointment.  

 

"Nooo, why?" I pouted. Kevin pulled his hand out from under my skirt, leaving me to sit in a puddle of my own wetness. I've never felt so aroused but uncomfortable at the same time. "It's not faaair!"

 

There was around round of loud rapping on the wooden barn door, followed by an all too familiar voice. "You guys better be decent! I better not be walking in on a porno! I don't mind seeing boobs, but if I see a dick flopping around, I'm leaving!"

 

Oh, my sweet Gina. She's so graceful with her words.

 

"I'll be right there!" Kevin walked over to the door while I crossed my legs and flattened out my skirt over my thighs, making myself look presentable because I definitely was not a wet and horny mess moments ago. Seconds later Gina was racing through the loft, an ear-to-ear grin on her face as she pulled a tall white and blue ceramic decanter from the inside of her parka. 

 

"Guess who just stole some of the best tequila known to mankind?" She admitted to her crime with a cheerful attitude. Uhh, I don't think that's something to boast about, Gina…

 

"Where did you get this from and will the cops be showing up here?" I asked, admiring the decanter Gina placed down on the island to take off her parka. 

 

"The cops have better things to do than to come after me for an $80 bottle of alcohol, but if my Tinder date finds out this is missing from his apartment he may show up here a little disgruntled." She threw her parka on the couch, revealing her tight black dress with the cut-outs on the hips. "Where are the shot glasses!?"

 

My relationship with Gina in the last month has been much better than it was at the beginning of the semester. Although I haven't been back to the dorm in a while, we've been hanging out around campus and texting a lot more. It made us realize that we're just not compatible as roommates; living separately has been beneficial for both of us and It's definitely helped our friendship flourish. I no longer think of Gina as the crazy, uptight, nosy roommate that threw Doritos at my face. She's is now the crazy friend that threw Doritos at my face. By the way, she has apologized for the incident and I forgave her. All is good in the world!

 

Gina and I sat at the kitchen island taking shots of tequila, talking about random shit that happened during the semester and giggling up a storm. We were having so much fun chilling at the loft that we never thought about how much time had gone by until Gina looked at the clock on her phone and gasped.

 

"Oh my God, we've been sitting here for two hours!" She hiccuped, modestly covering her mouth and snickering in between. "I'm calling the Uber before we get stuck here and get drunker than we are right now." 

 

I scoffed. "Me? Drunk? Bitch, I'm fine!" 

 

We didn't have any salt or lime but the alcohol was going down smooth without it. I took five or six shots and felt good, the vodka cocktail I had earlier hit me faster than the tequila did. 

 

"Where are my shoes?" I said out loud to myself; Gina was finishing up the Uber request by the loft door and Kevin had noise-cancelling headphones on, jamming out to music while marking the final Popular Culture papers at his desk. I spotted my knee-high boots hiding in a clutter of rejected party outfits on the floor by the bed. "Aha! Come to Mama!"

 

It was when I tried to hop off of my stool that I finally found out exactly how drunk I was. My ankles crumpled under me and I face-planted into the wood flooring. My body slammed so hard it shook the furniture nearby. I turned over, holding onto my stomach as the muscles clenched tightly from the way I was hysterically laughing. I noticed Kevin's head lift up when he saw his laptop shift and swivelled around in his chair to find me on the ground. He whipped his wireless headphones off of his head and rushed to my aid.

 

"Jane, are you okay?" Kevin placed his big, brawny arms under my head and in the pit of my knees, lifting and cradling me close to his chest.

 

“For some reason, my feet don’t want to function…” My slurred words transitioned into another fit of giggles. “But I’m okay, I must have been sitting for too long.”

 

As much as I wanted to stay in the comfort of his arms, I wriggled my way out of Kevin's hold and stumbled my way over to the bed. I struggled to put my boots on, using all of my strength to pull the suede material over my fat calf. The damn thing wouldn't budge, no matter how hard I tugged it was too tight to fit. I flopped back onto the mattress, lecturing the footwear in my buzzed stupor as to why they hated my wide and ugly feet. Kevin sat down beside me, taking the boots out of my hands before they fell on my face.

 

"Here, I'll help you." I sat up and saw Kevin trying to place the first boot delicately on my foot, having the same issue I did. After some inspecting, he chuckled as he discovered the reason I was having a hard time putting the shoes on. "You forgot to undo the zipper in the back!"

 

He unzipped the mechanism and slid the boot on effortlessly, zipping the material up around my leg without any problems. After helping me with the other boot, he lifted me onto his lap. His wide eyes filled with concern as he sucked in his top lip, looking like a sad puppy.

 

"Are you sure you're okay to go out? It's never too late to stay home and watch me grade papers." 

 

"Yes, I'm okay. I would be more of a distraction. You have a deadline and I don't want to get in the way."

 

"Right…" He still looked a little worried. 

 

"Besides, I already told Gina I want to be home by midnight." I looked at the time on the alarm clock sitting on the bedside table. "That's three hours from now. It'll go by fast!" 

 

"What happens if you're out past midnight? Your Uber turns back into a pumpkin?" Kevin smirked. He held me so tight, it was hard to breathe. 

 

_ He did it because he didn't want me to leave. I should have stayed home... _

 

I giggled, resting my hands on Kevin's shoulders. "Yes, and Gina will turn back into a mouse!" 

 

"Bitch, how dare you call me a mouse?" Gina gasped, using the same term of endearment I had called her earlier. She grabbed her coat off of the couch and put it on, her nose scrunched up while trying to think of a clever comeback. "I am... a majestic chinchilla!" 

 

Weird flex, but okay...

 

_ Ding! _ Gina looked down at her phone. "Uber's here. You ready?" 

 

"Yeah, I just need my jacket and we can go!" 

 

I stood up from Kevin's lap and he followed me over to the door where I was getting my coat on. I didn't have the chance to do a full turn before Kevin's hands were on my hips and his lips on mine, absorbing every bit of emotion exuding from his kiss.

 

"Three hours?" His voice trembled a bit.

 

"Three hours." He kissed me one more time, this time his hands reaching down for mine so our fingers could firmly interlock with each other. His eyes opened and they were narrow and vigilant. “Have fun, but be safe. Don’t take drinks from strangers and don’t lose sight of Gina. And if you need me to pick you up earlier than midnight, I will be there in a heartbeat.”

 

“She’ll be fine, Dad.” Gina swung the door open and started to pull me away from Kevin’s grasp. “Let’s go!”

 

“Wait!” One more kiss, for good measure. “I love you.”

 

I blushed. “I love you more.”

 

“You guys are gross!” Gina dry heaved. “Can we please leave?!”

 

Kevin watched us make our way down the hallway before I heard him slam the door shut halfway down the spiral staircase. Gina and I skipped through the cafe and out to the car waiting for us on the snowy street. As I buckled my seatbelt, Gina’s head tilted and noticed Kevin standing in front of one of the windows from the second story. 

 

“Is he always that overprotective?” She asked, kind of creeped out by his behaviour. “He was giving me ‘Mark-Wahlberg-in- _ Fear _ ’ vibes just now…”

 

“Seriously? Oh God no, he’s nothing like that!” I laughed off her comment. “He’s just concerned, that’s all! I’m going to a big party without him and he just wants to make sure I’ll be okay.”

 

_ So why didn't I listen to what he said? _

 

The car began to drive away from the cafe. I looked at the building from out of my window until it was no longer a blip on my radar. I kept hearing Kevin’s voice in the back of my head until Gina told the driver to turn up the song on the radio, blasting the music on maximum volume and getting us in the mood. His advice became a quiet murmur, being tuned out by my loud singing and excess of party adrenaline.

 

Tonight is going to be a good night.

 

_ Tonight was not a good night. _

 

~

 

This party was popping. I have never seen anything like it. I assumed that the Greek parties they showed in movies and television were an extreme fabrication. I thought that it was impossible; people don't actually party that hard. Well, I was wrong. VERY wrong.

 

This was a fucking rave.

 

The giant house was crammed with college students, a majority of them wearing as little clothing as possible, despite the freezing winter weather that awaited outside. In a way it made sense to be barely naked in a space occupied by hundreds of people; I barely made it out of the foyer and I was already sweating. There were empty beer cans and red SOLO cups littering the floor, most of the garbage flattened by all of the people walking around or dancing or possibly body slamming onto the floor. I wish I was joking, but the moment Gina and I walked into the main living area we witnessed a frat dude drink half a bottle of vodka and attempt to frog splash onto the beer pong table. He took more damage than the table did, bouncing off the plastic surface and belly-flopping onto the floor. He seemed okay, jumping to his feet and roaring like a prepubescent lion to amp up the crowd.

 

"Holy shit!" I exclaimed, staring up at the group of sexy Santas hanging off the banister of the second floor, twerking their asses off to a Christmas trap song. "This is nuts!"

 

"Welcome to college!" Gina smiled, yelling over the music as a group of drunk 'reindeer' pranced around the two of us and headed towards the next crowded room.  

 

Literally, nine shirtless dudes with antlers on their heads, the names of Santa's sleigh-pullers taped onto their hairy chests. All of them were wearing leather harnesses that were connected by a red rope, forcing them to move together as one cohesive (and rather kinky) unit. It was strange but I couldn't take my eyes off of them. I got so distracted that I was stunned by the sudden jolt of Gina's hand gripping onto my wrist and pulling me through the crowd to the drink table. 

 

"What are you getting?" She asked loudly into my ear. Surprisingly, the line for drinks was moving quite fast, which meant I had little to no time to decide what I wanted. 

 

"Uhhh…" How hard was it to decide? Very. My brain was already being overstimulated by the sights and sounds of the party; I couldn't concentrate on a single thought properly unless I were to cover my ears and close my eyes. 

 

By the time we got to the front of the line, I was a stuttering mess who was unable to come up with a concrete answer. This was made worse when I was confronted by a familiar face staring at me from across the table. It was Stimpy, Renee's friend who sat beside her in Popular Culture. She was also dressed in a sexy Santa outfit just like the women on the stairs. Not only did she recognize me, but she also recognized--

 

"Gina! Hey girl!" Stimpy leaned over the table to side-hug our mutual friend. "You made it! Awesome! What are you drinking?"

 

"I'll get a beer!" Gina turned to me. "What about you, Jane?"

 

"Yeah, beer sounds good!" I looked in the opposite direction. I don't even like beer, I just wanted to get out of this area and go somewhere else. I don't know Stimpy personally, but I still felt awkward around her knowing she's friends with the girl that was purposely hitting on my boyfriend in front of me. I know she's not the one controlling Renee's actions, but in my mind, she's still guilty by association. 

 

Stimpy handed us our beers with a grin so wide it looked creepy. Her lips thinned themselves out and the dusty pink lipstick she was wearing left a tiny smudge on one of her incisors. 

 

"If you girls need more drinks, let me know! I'll hook you up!" She cheerfully informed. I hope my face wasn't expressing how skeptical I was of her. 

 

Gina mirrored the enthusiastic expression on Stimpy's face. "Thanks, hun! You're the best!" 

 

As we walked away from the table, I asked Gina how she knew Stimpy. She explained that she did a group project with her in one of her Psychology classes last year and has hung out with her in the past with other friends.

 

"Oh, cool. Random question: what is her name?" 

 

Gina paused for a moment, her brow scrunched and her head tilted in thought. I could tell it wasn't clicking in her brain, she was thinking for so long that her eyes glazed over as she tried to process the memories in the dusty attic of her mind. Then she started to chuckle, covering her mouth in disbelief.

 

"I honestly can't remember!" She cried over the music, rubbing at her temple. "Oh my God, why can't I remember it? I've hung out with her so many times and my mind is coming up blank! That is so BAD!"

 

We both snickered as we made our way through the crowd again to a corner of the house unoccupied by drunk people or gyrating sorority girls. I leaned up against the wall, sipping on my beer and right away reacting in disgust. Why did I get this? I need a new drink, but I need to get rid of this one first, and quickly. I didn't want to ditch the drink and waste it, and I didn’t want to dump it either (Although, the flower pot beside Gina was tempting...) I might as well chug the damn thing. I took a deep breath and downed the can of beer in a few hasty swigs, gagging at the taste. I can only assume this is what nasty ass, warm swamp water tastes like. 

 

I finished the can and tossed it onto the floor with the other garbage. My stomach was full of gross alcohol and gas, causing an obnoxious burp to expel from my mouth. It was so loud, even I was surprised by it. Then I got surprised by a familiar face turning the corner.

 

_ Trouble. _

 

"Way to crush that can!" The voice made me jump ten feet into the air. I clutched my chest, like an old woman holding onto her pearls as she walked through an ominous alleyway. I turned to the man behind the voice, lightly pushing at his shoulder.

 

_ I should have used more force... _

 

"Jesus Christ, Jaxon!" He thought the way I reacted was hilarious, collapsing to his knees laughing. 

 

"The look on your face… you went so white!" He could barely talk, his voice wheezing between huge breaths of laughter. "You're way too easy to scare!"

 

"Dude! Not funny!" I was still pissed off, even though I started to laugh myself. It was a defence mechanism of mine to laugh in awkward and embarrassing situations.

 

Gina noticed my interaction with Jaxon and introduced herself to him. "How do you know Jane?"

 

"We had Popular Culture together. If you can even call that disaster a class!" Jaxon joked, pulling his vape pen out of his back pocket and inhaling the smoke into his lungs. He coughed out smoke as the pen left his mouth. "All we did was watch YouTube videos and get wasted!"

 

"Correction: It was a class, the videos were reference material, and you were the only one who showed up completely obliterated every time!" I intervened, a slight irritation in my tone of voice. "Did you even hand in your final paper?" 

 

"Yes, I did actually! And it only cost me thirty dollars!" He smirked, there was a sort of snarkiness behind it. Of course, he paid someone to do the paper for him, how else would he have gotten it done in a timely matter? 

 

Gina crushed her empty beer can with her hands and placed it in the empty flower pot I had noticed earlier. She smacked her lips and stuck her tongue out of her mouth, looking absolutely repulsed.

 

"That beer was gross! They just had to get the cheap shit." She criticized. "I'm gonna grab a rum and coke. You want one?" 

 

"Yes, please! Make it a double if you can!" 

 

Gina gave me a thumbs up and ran off to the drink table. I was left with Jaxon, making awkward small talk with him as I watched the chaos of the party surrounding me. It was weird but somehow, I felt like I was in my element. 

 

A remix of a song I was obsessed with started to blast throughout the house and the beat of my heart became simultaneously in tempo with the bass line. My body moved slowly to the music; hips swayed and head bobbed from side to side, feet tapped and stepped in place, hands slithered upwards to my neck, eventually raising them in the air. My back was up against the wall while I danced, my eyes were closed and I paid no attention to the environment or the people around me. I could feel the beer kicking in, my mind was getting hazy as I sang the lyrics quietly to myself:  _ 'Cause you're the next Drew Berry, and I want more… _

 

The last time I heard this song, it was playing on the Bluetooth speaker while I was cleaning up the loft this morning. I can't dance for shit, but when I'm by myself I really don't care. I was spinning around with the broom in my hand like a microphone, singing the lyrics off-key to the imaginary audience in my mind. Then I heard his deep chuckle behind me. Clearly, he forgot how easy it is to frighten me as I flipped out and dropped the broom on my foot. Kevin apologized profusely while I laughed out of embarrassment trying to ignore the throbbing pain coming from my toes. To make me feel better, he started to sing into the broom. It was terrible but it worked and the pain went away instantly. I joined back in, both of us singing along in an unreasonably loud and goofy manner…

 

_ I miss him. I want him here. _

 

I felt a rough, unknown touch brush up against my arm. 

 

"Jane?" I snapped out of my train of thought and found myself transported back to the party, looking up at Jaxon. He was uncomfortably close, staring down at my lips with intent. What did he want? 

 

Thankfully, Gina pulled me away just in time, handing me my drink and dragging me towards the crowd on the dancefloor. People were bumping into me, making the alcohol spill onto my blouse and skirt. Another favourite song of mine came on. Fuck it, I wanted to dance. I downed the drink. There was too much rum and as little coke as possible. I threw my cup into the crowd, just in time for the beat to drop.

 

_ Whatever you do, just stay there. Don't move. _

 

~

 

I have never read so many words in my entire life. My eyes were hurting from staring at the white pages and the dark ink printed across them. The red ink smudged onto my hand as I wrote my comments at the end of each argument. 'Good.' 'Well done!' 'Could have expanded on this…' 'This does not make any sense…' 

 

None of it was making sense anymore. I yawned and looked over at the cold cup of coffee sitting beside the stack of papers I still had to mark. If I had to estimate, I'd say there was still about thirty more papers to do. At least I hope there is. It seemed like the more papers I marked, the taller the stack got. 

 

I finished up the paper in front of me and piled it on top of the completed stack. I needed a break. 

 

"Hey Google, play my Spotify playlist on loft speaker," I said loudly. The first song that played was unfamiliar to me, then I realized why. 

 

Jane added it. As well as fifty other songs that she thinks I would like. I can admit, some of them are absolute bangers and then some of them are like super deep songs you listen to when you're sad and want to drown yourself in a bucket of ice cream. Her favourite flavour is pistachio, by the way. I found that out after making the mistake of watching  _ Marley & Me _ with her not long ago. 

 

I looked at the time on my cell. 11:44PM. She's the background on my lock screen. Her hands were perfectly matched up with the clock displayed in the middle, showcasing the time like she's one of those gameshow girls. 

 

Her smile is so bright that she can light up the darkest room. Her eyes are so big and pretty and the perfect shade of light brown. The first time I looked into her eyes was the moment I entered that classroom and almost hit her with the door. I was instantly hooked without even knowing her name.

 

Since then, my life has been a whirlwind. I fell so hard for this girl. She's funny, sarcastic, intelligent, responsible, supportive, not to mention an absolute smoke show. God, her personality and appearance make her absolutely gorgeous. If I didn't agree to help run Professor Strauss' class for the rest of the semester, I wouldn't be staring at this beautiful face telling me the time on my phone.

 

I flipped my laptop open and clicked on a site I had secretly bookmarked a few days ago. It was a registration application for a local hockey training camp. I had been thinking about what she said at the rink last week. A few days later, I decided to start physiotherapy again. The doctor said that I gained a lot of strength back in my leg within the last few years. If I really wanted to, I could start playing hockey again. So I'm following Jane's advice and starting off slow. 

 

This morning, instead of going for a run at the gym, I skated around the rink at the college. I even did a couple of drills that I used to do back when I was on the team. I'm a little rusty but it’ll come back to me in no time.

 

After the rink, I came back to the loft to find Jane singing and dancing around with the broom. She's just so goofy… and perfect. She makes me feel like a better person. The new and definitely improved Kevin. 

 

There's always that one person that helps you feel better about yourself. They help you realize that you shouldn't give up on your biggest dreams. They motivate you and make sure you're happy when you're feeling down. They make you laugh and smile, and they're there when you need to vent or need a hug or a hand to hold. Most importantly, they let you be yourself. That dorky side that you have never let anyone see except her and she loves it. She loves all of you, regardless of your flaws and your past. She's my better half, my soulmate, my companion. 

 

Jane is my person, forever and always.

 

The next song that played was another she added onto my Spotify. This one I actually liked:  _ I’ll always be on your team… _

 

The first time I heard it was on the way home after Thanksgiving dinner. My family loves her. She was so nervous at first but by the end of the night, she was fitting right in. Seeing her laughing with my siblings, playing with my niece... it made the decision easier.

 

Maybe it's too soon to ask. After all, it's only been a few months. However, these two months with Jane have felt like two decades. The original plan was to wait until graduation but I was eager. I opened the drawer I purposely kept locked in my desk and pulled out a small black box. 

 

I don't know where or how I was going to do it, but asking Jane to marry me in Toronto felt like the right decision. 

 

I heard a knock at the door and quickly put the ring away. That could be her. I checked the time again heading to the door. 11:56PM. She did say she would be home by midnight. I know she hasn't been out long but I missed the shit out of her. I couldn't wait to pick her off of her feet, carry her to the bed, and just hold her in my arms until we both pass out. 

 

I swung the door open to see the owner of the cafe downstairs in front of me, holding a phone close to her ear before handing it to me.

 

"Hey Kevin, there's a girl on the phone for you. She said she didn't know your number so she phoned the cafe. She's freaking out for some reason, something about your girlfriend?"

 

What? Fuck. I grabbed the phone. "Hello?" 

 

"Kevin, it's Gina. You have to come here. I can't find Jane!"

 

Don't sound like you're panicking. "What? What do you mean you can't find Jane?"

 

"I mean she is nowhere in my sight! One moment we were dancing, and then I turned around for a second and now she's gone! This house is huge, I can't look for her by myself!"

 

"Gina, how much did she have to drink?"

 

"Not a lot. Three or four drinks, I think?" 

 

If I know anything about Jane and drinking, it's that she's a lightweight. She can sniff the cap of a vodka bottle and get drunk off of the fumes. It felt like my heart sunk down to the pit of my stomach. Fuck...

 

I pulled my coat off the rack and grabbed my keys off of the kitchen counter. "I'm on my way. Meet me outside in five minutes!" 

 

On the way to Kappa Gamma, I called Jane's phone. It just kept ringing and ringing and ringing. Just when I thought she had finally picked up her phone, it turned out to be her voicemail: 

 

‘Hey, it's Jane! I'm either not by my phone or I'm purposely ignoring your call. Please don't leave a message, checking my voicemail is a whole process. Just text me and I'll get back to you! Byeeee!’

 

I kept blowing up her phone, getting the same ringing and the same message over and over again. By the seventh call, I was so anxious that I started to get angry. I was gripping the steering wheel so tight I was afraid of pulling it right off. The voicemail message replayed again. I didn't care if it was 'a whole process', I left a message this time around.

 

"Jane, where are you? I'm on my way to the sorority house. Pick up your phone! I'm worried about you, I need to know if you're okay! Just pick up the damn phone! Please!" 

 

I stopped myself. My anger was getting the best of me at the end of that message. I didn't mean to. I just want her to be okay. 

 

Before I ended the message, I had to tell her. "I love you."

 

I parked the SUV right in front of Kappa Gamma and continued to send Jane hundreds of text messages as I walked up to the crazy house party. It was freezing out but that didn't stop people from passing out or making out on the front lawn.

 

The atmosphere of the sorority house instantly brought me back to my undergrad years. Going out with the team and partying until the sun came up. Waking up around campus in places I shouldn't be, in clothes I didn't wear the night before. Sometimes I would have no clothes at all and would be forced to walk back to my dorm with nothing but a plastic bag covering my junk. Then there would be times I'd wake up beside a girl whose name I can't remember, and either her boyfriend would come storming into the room or her roommate would ask me twenty questions as to why I'm there. 

 

I like the situation I'm in now. Waking up with the same girl every day, her body clinging onto mine like a koala, her head resting on my chest listening to the beat of my heart. Jane told me that's the only way she can fall asleep now. To be honest, that's the only way I can fall asleep too.

 

 I found Gina sitting on the stairs leading to the front door, smoking a cigarette. She saw me approach her and put out the smoke in a mound of yellow snow.

 

"Thank God, you're here!" She grabbed my arm and dragged me into the crowded house. "I tried calling her phone. She's not answering it. It keeps going to voicemail."

 

"Where have you looked so far?" I asked.

 

"Just the first floor. The staircase is way too cramped to get to the second floor."

 

"I'll make those idiots move…" I was about to stomp over the people on the staircase when Gina grabbed my arm to stop me.

 

"Wait!"

 

"What? What is it?" Your anger, dude. Cool it. 

 

"This guy was hanging with us all night. He might know where she is or she might be… with him." She looked uneasy. 

 

Why didn't she tell me this before? It doesn't matter. "Who? Who is this guy?" 

 

"Jake or Jack… I can't remember. It was really loud when he told me. He said he was in your class with Jane."

 

My hands balled into fists. "Jaxon."

 

That son of a bitch. I'm gonna kill him.

 

Gina held onto my arm as I pushed past the people loitering on the stairs to get to the second floor. Once we got to the top, we were surrounded by what felt like hundreds of closed doors. She could be in any of these rooms, and I'm trying not to imagine the worst-case scenario but knowing the possibility that she's with Jaxon is not helping. 

 

"I'll take the rooms on the right side, you take the ones on the left." I directed. 

 

I walked over to the farthest door and twisted the knob. It was locked. I banged on the door. 

 

"Jane?" No answer. 

 

I went to the next door. It was unlocked but the room was empty. This continued on for the next four or five rooms. I kept calling out for her. I wasn't getting a response. My heart was pounding out of my chest, I could feel my breathing going out of whack. All of the doors were suddenly looking the same. I can't remember where I started and where I ended. Either way, it felt like I was going to come up with the same result. 

 

I wasn't going to find her.

 

"Kevin!"

I didn't give myself time to process where the voice was coming from. I just started to sprint down the hall with no direction in mind. I stopped once seeing Gina in front of an open door, staring into the room.

 

"Kevin, she's here."

 

I rushed over and stepped in, frantically looking around for her. The room was a mess; ripped up books and pillows and even a shattered lamp was scattered across the floor. My eyes finally locked in on her and I found myself breathless. She was laying on her side on the bed, it was a bare mattress with the sheets and blankets stripped off. Her back was facing the door, and she was curled up into the fetal position. I could see her shuddering, and the small and quiet whimperings coming from her hurt every fibre in my being. It hurt more to know that I don't exactly know what happened and that I wasn't here to protect her. I approached the bed slowly, sitting on the edge and reaching my hand out towards her.

 

I gulped, my voice shaking. "...Jane?"

 

~

 

**[TRIGGER WARNING: READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED]**

 

_ One hour earlier… _

 

I was never going to leave the dancefloor. The DJ was spinning tracks that were on constant repeat on my music playlist. I was starting to feel the effects of partying for an excessive time. The alcohol in my system made everything hazy and dizzy. My throat was raw from screaming lyrics at the top of my lungs. My legs felt like they wanted to collapse under me from dancing for so long. I was becoming short of breath, my heart was pumping out of control. I was hot and sweaty from being around people that were also hot and sweaty. My vision was impaired and I had a splitting headache from the blinding neon lights flashing around the house. 

 

However, no matter how uncomfortable or sick I felt, I didn't want to stop. I was high on the vibe of the party; the music pumped through my veins and the rave-like atmosphere left me in a state of rapture. Nothing could make me leave this dancefloor…

 

And then the smallest push on my bladder from the body next to me happened. It was an instantaneous feeling of fullness. I looked over at Gina, grinding up against some frat guy who was sucking on her neck like he was a blood-thirsty leech.

 

"I'll be back!" I yelled over in her direction. "I gotta pee!" 

 

I'm not sure if she heard me. I wouldn't be gone long anyways. She probably wouldn't notice if I left for a few minutes…

 

I searched the first floor for the bathroom. There were bodies everywhere. Intoxicated, half-naked bodies chilling on the floor either in their own vomit or piss or other bodily fluids. I literally had to climb and step over passed-out bodies to get around, it felt like an obstacle course. 

 

I finally managed to find the bathroom, only to see seven other people in line to use it. Damn it! I crossed my legs, squeezing my thighs together as I was on the verge of whizzing all over myself. To take my mind off of my bathroom emergency, I pulled out my phone from my skirt pocket to check the time. 10:43PM. My screen saver was of Kevin, being an absolute doofus with his lips pouted and smirking, attempting to cross his eyes but only getting one eye to do it. 

 

Maybe once I'm done using the bathroom, I'm gonna head out. I couldn't wait to get home to that goofy, handsome face and squish the shit out of it. Jesus, that was a weird thought. How drunk am I? It doesn't matter. All that matters is him. I wanna go home to him.

 

I played around on my phone for a bit but then the battery died. Well, I'm definitely going home after this. I can't function if my phone can't function. I looked up to check the progress of the bathroom line. It's been ten minutes and it's barely moved. Great, at this point I'm gonna have to find that flower pot from earlier. I was about to give up on using the bathroom when I felt a tap on my shoulder. 

 

"What are you doing?" I turned around to see Jaxon. Again. He looked a bit more intoxicated from the last time I saw him. "What's the line for?"

 

"I need to pee," I answered with a whine, hopping from side to side. Jaxon grabbed my hand and dragged me away from the line. 

 

"Whoa, what are you doing?" I asked, distressed.

 

"Just come with me!" His grip was tight around my wrist as he pulled me up the stairs, bulldozing past the people conversing on the steps, to the second floor. 

 

_ Why didn’t I get away from him when I had the chance? _

 

He stopped in front of a closed door and kicked it open with his foot, pulling me into the random and unknown bedroom. He finally let go of my wrist, the pain radiating down to my elbow.

 

"What the fuck? Did you have to pull so hard?" I held onto my wrist, annoyed. "Why did you bring me here?"

 

Jaxon opened the door hiding behind the one that he kicked, revealing a clean and immaculate bathroom. "This is the only room in the house with its own bathroom. Go to town!'

 

"Yes!!!" I rushed past Jaxon and slammed the bathroom door shut with a sense of urgency. As soon as my bottom hit the toilet seat, everything just leaked out. I've never felt so relieved in my entire life, my eyes fluttered and rolled to the back of my head from how good it felt to finally pee! Once I finished up, I exited the bathroom with a satisfied smile on my face.

 

"Thank you! You saved me from a total disaster!" I said to Jaxon, who was sitting at the end of the bed, vapour smoke blowing out of his nostrils. He sluggishly smiled, patting the spot on the bed next to him. 

 

"Come sit with me. Come chill…" He giggled at the end of that sentence.

 

_ No. Don't do it. Go downstairs. Now. _

 

"I should head back down." My voice stammered. "Gina is probably looking for me." 

 

My feet pivoted towards the door and my eyes focused on the hallway past the threshold. I was about to head out when I felt his hand tug at mine. There was such strength behind it that I was forced back onto the bed next to him. He stared at me with his bloodshot eyes, I couldn't make eye contact with him. All I wanted to do was leave, my gaze still focused on the door. I tried sliding away from him but he kept getting closer and closer to me. I slid so far down the edge of the bed that I pinned myself between the wall and Jaxon, with the bedside table inches away from my feet. 

 

I was stuck.

 

"Jaxon…" There was a tremor in my voice, I could feel the lump forming immediately in my throat. 

 

He hushed me before I could say anything else, sending my body into a state of shock, shaking profusely as he took a strand of my hair and tucked it behind my ear. His face was disturbingly close mine. I could smell the vodka on his breath and it made me nauseated. 

 

"You are so sexy." The words made my ears cringe. I could feel him place his hand on my bare thigh, a place that was reserved for someone else. Someone who I desperately wanted to go home to. I was so scared that my entire body froze in place. I was unable to move my limbs no matter how hard I tried. His hand moved upwards to my hips, trying to turn me towards him but I stayed stiff.

 

"Stop it. Please." My voice was as quiet as a mouse. I felt so small and vulnerable and so fucking scared that I couldn't do anything for some fucking reason. He turned my face towards him and I shut my eyes, trying to wiggle away from his sinister touch on my cheek. 

 

"Jane, come on…" I held my breath as he talked. "It's okay. Don't be scared."

 

I struggled so hard to get the words out that my voice croaked. "No…"

 

His hand went past my hip and along my rib cage, heading for my breast. Tears streamed down my face as I gasped for air. I was becoming frustrated with myself. 

 

_ Do something! Scream, Jane! Yell so fucking loud you shatter his fucking eardrums! Break free of these nonexistent chains and bite his fucking head off! _

 

He whispered into my ear, his next question set an uncontrollable fire inside of me, finally unleashing the pent up aggression that was covered under the multiple layers of fear.

 

"Don't you want me? I know you want to…"

 

My hands felt extremely heavy as I lifted them off of the bed and pushed him away from me. My legs found the courage to move about and I jumped onto the mattress, grabbing the lamp sitting on the side table. 

 

"Leave me alone!" My voice bellowed at a loud and low-pitched tone. I sounded demonic. My vision had gone dark and my breath was seething through my teeth. "HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY NO!?"

 

He took a step towards me and I immediately reacted, throwing the lamp his direction. He dodged out of the way and the lamp shattered into pieces all over the floor.

 

"What the fuck is wrong with you? I'm just trying to talk to you!" He argued. Bull-fucking-shit!

 

"Leave me alone! Get the fuck out!" I shrieked, whipping the pillows that were on the bed towards him. He got knocked back by a pillow hitting his face.

 

"You stupid, psycho bitch!" He continued to belittle me, calling me every name in the book all because I didn't want to put out. Ignorant prick. Just because I sit beside you for a whole fucking semester and make small talk DOES NOT mean I want to FUCK YOU. EVER. I never wanted to see his fucking face again. 

 

"Get. The. Fuck. OUT!!" I noticed a shelf of hardcover books set up above the bed and used them as ammo. "You fucking asshole! I said GET THE FUCK OUT!" 

 

I kept hurling random items at Jaxon, aiming for his fucking head until he finally gave up and left the room. I could hear him cursing my name as he stomped down the hallway and down the stairwell. 

 

My frantic, irate craze had simmered down and I found myself out of breath and disoriented. My vision cleared and I observed my surroundings. I trashed this innocent girl's room, destroying things that could have had sentimental value to her. The sheets and pillows that were neatly placed and tucked onto her bed before were now sprawled on the floor, covered in glass and spineless and ripped books. She's going to walk in and be devastated. She's going to come to the conclusion that some intoxicated and irresponsible person stumbled into her room and decided on a whim to wreck everything.

 

But that's not the case. She would never know the reason why I did it. She would never know what went down in her bedroom, and what would have happened if I didn't snap. She would never know why I reacted the way I did, and that it was all in self-defence. She would never know why I suddenly despised her room, and why it made me feel so small and weak. She would never know why I started to break down and sob, falling to my knees on her bed and curling up into the tiniest ball, scared for my life. 

 

Scared that he could possibly come back and retaliate and hurt me more. Physically and psychologically. Scared of my surroundings but too scared to move and leave. Scared to close my eyes because I didn't want to see his disgusting face close to mine, smelling his toxic breath and feeling his slithering, slimy touch.

 

I was just scared. I was scared and I want to go home. I want someone to find me and take me home. I want to fall asleep and wake up at home. I want to be at home, in my bed, clinging onto Kevin and not clinging to myself in fear.

 

I want Kevin here.

 

**[TRIGGER WARNING ENDS HERE]**

 

"...Jane?"

 

The touch on my back startled me but the voice was all too familiar. I lifted my head from out of my arms and saw his face, wasting no time to jump into his arms. My hold on him was so snug that I could feel his breath staggering from the tightness around his chest. I didn't want to let go. I clung onto him using every muscle in my body. I buried my face into the crook of his neck and sobbed, high-pitched whines escaping from my mouth. His arm wrapped around my waist with the other hand holding the back of my head, his fingers brushing through my tangled and damp hair.

 

“It’s okay, I’m here." His low, gravelly voice was soothing and reassuring but somehow, it still didn't feel real that he was here with me. He looked and felt and smelt like him, but I was almost convinced that he was a figment of my imagination that was about to disappear from my grasp. 

 

It was when I gazed up into his vivid blue eyes that I was convinced. They were eyes that I knew all too well. Eyes that I found myself mesmerized by every time I stared into them. Eyes that I found sanctuary in. Kevin was here.

 

"We're gonna go home, okay?" 

 

He cradled in his arms and lifted me off of the mattress. I felt his legs moving beneath me as he started to march out of the room, my body lying restlessly in his hold. I kept my eyes closed and my head nuzzled into his neck. The loud bass of the music and the voices of the people were muffled. The only thing I could hear clearly was Kevin's breathing and his voice consoling me over and over and over again.

 

“I got you, Jane. We’re almost to the car. Just hold tight, okay? Gina is gonna put your coat on top of you so you’re not cold. We’re almost there. Just a few more steps…”

 

I heard the car door open and Kevin bent down to place me in the passenger seat. He made sure my jacket was spread out and placed neatly over my fatigued body before buckling me in. I felt his cold fingers under my chin, followed by the touch of his shivering lips planting a soft kiss on my forehead.

 

“I love you.” He murmured. “We’ll be home soon.”

 

He let go of me and shut the door. I watched his silhouette through the tinted window move around, talking to another silhouette that must have been Gina. I couldn't hear much of the conversation, a few words here and there but I was so exhausted that my mind didn't bother tuning in. In a few minutes, Kevin and Gina would be getting into the car and we would be on our way home, and hopefully, I can leave this party behind and forget about everything that happened tonight. 

 

_ Please let me forget everything that happened tonight _ . 

 

Through the window, I saw a third silhouette approaching the car. Out of everybody else outside, I could only hear this voice loud and crystal clear.

 

"How am I not surprised? I always knew she was the teacher's PET!" Jaxon. My insides flipped and turned inside out.

 

I saw Kevin's big-bodied figure turn around. "Jaxon, I swear to God, if you don't get out of here in the next five seconds I will--"

 

“You’re not gonna do shit to me! Don’t even think about laying a finger on me, Teach!”

 

“Then why are you here?” Gina got between the two men and snapped. “Why are you instigating shit when we’re trying to leave?”

 

“I just wanted to let Mr. H know to be careful of his girl tonight. She’s rather feisty.”

 

“What--What the fuck are you talking about?” Kevin carefully pushed Gina to the side and got in Jaxon’s face. I’ve never heard him so furious before. “What the fuck did you do to her?”

 

“All I was trying to do was get some pussy.” His chuckle was so vile I wanted to vomit. “She was the one that went fucking berzerk on me. Maybe you should show your woman how to control herself.”

 

“She needs to control herself? How about you?” Kevin shoved Jaxon. “Why don’t you control yourself?” He shoved him again. “Why don’t you learn how to treat women properly instead of thinking of them as a ‘fuck and chuck?’” This one was more of a forceful push. “Maybe, instead of acting like a fucking scumbag, you act like a decent human being and leave people alone when they want to be left alone!?" 

 

Kevin pushed Jaxon once more, the momentum forced him to bump into the passenger side of the car parked behind us. The last thing I need is for this to escalate further than it has to. I got out of the SUV and saw Kevin inches away from Jaxon's face, his nostrils flaring and his lips pushed firmly together in rage. He was seconds away from giving that douchebag the beating of his life. I can admit that his irate chivalry was attractive, but I needed to stop this. 

 

"Kevin!" My voice was raspy and worn out, but he was able to hear it. "He's not worth it. Let's go." 

 

Kevin backed off and turned away from Jaxon. He managed to take a few steps towards the SUV, but it didn't take long for Jaxon the smartass to open his mouth one last time.

 

"Kind of funny how you're preaching about self-control when you couldn't even teach one class without sticking your dick in one of your students!" 

 

I saw his hand clench into a fist. I saw him wind his arm back and turn around to swing with all of his strength without even thinking about the consequences. I saw his target duck out of the way, narrowly avoiding the punch connecting with his face. I saw his fist smash through the window of the car his target was behind, glass shattering all over the interior. I saw the damage caused to his hand, his knuckles cut up and bloody from the impact, and the restrained look of pain on his face.

 

After that, everything happened in slow motion. Jaxon threw a punch at Kevin's ribcage and he buckled down to his knees. Another punch connected with Kevin's face, his jaw looked like it became unhinged. Jaxon was prepared to hit Kevin again but was caught off guard by an upper-cut, followed by a jab going straight into his stomach. Kevin found the strength to get up and threw another hit to the side of Jaxon's head, but his punch was quickly countered by a head-butt that crashed into his face. His nose became a running blood faucet. 

 

A crowd had already formed outside, watching the fight and cheering for whoever was winning. I was getting tired of yelling at both of them, begging them to stop. I could care less about Jaxon, but I didn't want anything to happen to Kevin. Let anything bad happen to anybody else, but don't let it happen to Kevin.

 

Kevin grabbed his nose in agony and was pushed away from Jaxon, who spat out a wad of blood from his mouth. He decided to agitate the situation some more.

 

"I don't understand what she sees in you anyways. All I'm seeing right now is a little bitch!" 

 

The stinging words had given Kevin a boost of energy, and out of nowhere sprinted full speed at Jaxon. He tackled him from the waist and lifted his body off of the ground, slamming him straight into the hood of the car with the smashed window. The impact was so hard it left a dent the size of Mercury. The crowd went nuts for the body slam, it looked like it was straight out of a wrestling pay-per-view. Meanwhile, I was on the verge of having a panic attack.

 

_ And it was about to get worse… _

 

Kevin pulled Jaxon off of the hood of the car, his bloody hand grabbing at the collar of his shirt. 

 

"I'll show you who the little bitch is!" He winded up for one more punch to finish him off…

 

Sirens started to go off. Everyone outside heard them and went ballistic, fleeing the scene of the chaotic party. For some reason, my mind wasn't processing what was happening. I stood still, frozen in my place, literally and figuratively. I saw the flashing red and blue lights speed down the street and come to a halt in front of the house. Two men dressed in uniform burst out from the cruiser and rushed over to the two battered men engaging in the bloody fistfight, shoving them off of each other and onto the frigid sidewalk. I heard the handcuffs and the clicking sound they make when being fastened around the wrists of those who are found guilty until proven innocent. I saw the police stand the two detained men up on their feet and drag them towards the cruiser... 

 

It finally clicked. One of the men in handcuffs was Kevin...

 

_ And it's all my fault. _

 


	8. PART EIGHT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jane is back in Toronto for the holidays, without a certain someone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s almost over 😭😭😭 There will be one more part after this and hopefully, it comes out quicker than this part did (BUT I DID IT WITH GOOD REASON SO HUSH!!) Also, you may cry and there’s a surprise POV scene!

PART 8 

 

_I've been here many times before. Making my way down the luminous hallway like I've done every Friday night for the last twelve weeks, heading towards the big red door that was the second last on the right. It was the same door that would lead me into the classroom with the bland grey walls and the aged mustard-coloured carpet. Students would be sitting in or on top of their modern modular desks, either discussing the future events of the night following the lecture or something exciting that happened earlier in the day. I would always ignore my pupils as the first thing I usually saw upon entering was a handsome and familiar man, standing at the front of the room by the podium and staring at his computer, the look of bewilderment spread across his face as he tried to collect his thoughts on what he was supposed to teach the class that night. He would notice the moment I entered the classroom every time in the corner of his eye and would either turn to crack the smallest smile or wave in my direction._

_He was always there, but this time he wasn't. I walked in to find all of the students gathered at the front of the class, blankly staring at me by the door and mumbling nonsense under their breath. I had no idea what they were saying until I got closer and my wrist was suddenly grabbed and tightly clenched by the girl I despised the most in the class._

_Renee's head slowly angled itself towards me. Her eyes were dark as if there was no soul behind them. She was holding my wrist so hard I could feel the bones snapping and crumbling inside of me. I didn't feel the pain but watching my hand deflate made an earth-shattering shriek leave my lips._

_Her voice was deep and ominous. "He's gone, and it's all your fault…"_

_I pulled away from her grasp and rushed towards the door, twisting and pulling at the knob frantically with my only functional hand. I managed to escape from the classroom but found myself not in the hallway, but in the janitor's closet. It felt more cramped than usual, then I realized the room was condensing. It was getting smaller and smaller, everything in the room was crashing together and smashing into a million pieces. I dodged out of the way of a flying broomstick, almost inches and seconds away from being impaled by the wooden stake. I tried opening the door but it was locked, I had nowhere to go. I felt the tall storage unit beside me about to give way, some of its weight was already leaning onto my body. I was going to get crushed. The walls of the closet were getting closer and closer together and my claustrophobia kicked in. I panicked, crouching down to the floor and holding onto my knees tucking my head into my lap._

_It's going to be okay, I reassured myself as an avalanche from the mountain of broken rubble began to rapidly tumble towards me in the tiny space. I was ready to face my fate when the floor of the closet disappeared and suddenly I found myself falling. I had no idea where I was going, or how fast I was falling or how hard the impact would be once I landed. All I could focus on was the uneasiness in my stomach and the voices in the back of my head._

_"Why would you tell them that? Do you not realize what you may have done?"_

_"I was trying to protect you, I was trying to protect US!"_

_Then the falling motion stopped. I was sitting on my bed in the dorm, an empty bottle of vodka in my hand. I could barely see the rest of my surroundings; the sunlight was as blinding as ever as it shone through the window. I covered my eyes for a second, only to uncover them and find myself now sitting on the bed in the loft. The lights were off, but the bed was surrounded by dimly lit candles. I could hear the music playing softly on the speaker by the kitchen island._

_"When I’m around slow dancing in the dark, don’t follow me you’ll end up in my arms…" The music slowed itself, the mellow voice sounded like it was melting._

_I tried to get up but I was stuck, my body was in a state of paralysis. I looked down at my feet and noticed the floor was moving below me. Then the bed started to spin around and everything else began to shapeshift. I didn't want to leave the loft, I wanted to stay there because the next place I would wind up would be the bedroom in the sorority house._

_I started to hear hissing, followed by the voice that has been constantly haunting me since that night. The way his tone slithered into my ears with such toxicity…_

_"I know you want to… Don't deny it…"_

_"Stop it," I winced, muffling my ears with my hands to get rid of the sound. "Leave me ALONE!"_

_The hissing and voices stopped. In the corner of my eye, I noticed a shadowy figure pass the open bedroom door._

_"Jane? Jane, where are you?" I perked up hearing the voice. It was all too familiar to me. I got off of the bed and ran out into the hall, where I was greeted by the sight of a long, never-ending hallway with multiple twists and turns and a thousand doors._

_The voice kept calling out for me. I ran towards what I thought was the direction it was coming from, but the volume kept on changing. It was either near or far, or maybe it was an echo. It felt like I was running around in circles. I finally stopped and stayed put._

_I yelled as loud as I could but it felt like no words came out. "Kevin, I'm here!"_

_I felt a hand on my shoulder and immediately turned around to see the big blue puppy-dog eyes I've longed to see. Just as I reached up to hold him in my arms, he was swept off his feet and dragged the hall, away from me._

_"No!" I chased after him, sprinting down the hall and tripping over my own feet because of how fast I was moving. I turned the corner and he was gone, but I could still hear him calling out for me. It was coming from behind one of the doors, but there were so many._

_Then I heard a loud bang. Someone was trying to break something down. "Jane! Help!"_

_I followed the sound further down the hallway until I came to a stop in front of a red door. It vibrated every time he yelled and wrapped his fists on the surface. It definitely was coming from here. I tried twisting the knob but it was stuck. I punched and kicked at the door. It wouldn't budge. A lump formed in my throat._

_"Dammit, let me in!" I demanded, my voice choked. "Just let me see him, please!"_

_The door suddenly opened and without hesitation I walked in, unaware of what I could be facing on the other side. I don't know if this was luck or not but I couldn't see anything. There was complete darkness. I called out for Kevin and heard nothing. I kept repeating this name, my voice getting more hoarse every time. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I continued to hear the deafening silence. I collapsed on the ground, officially giving up._

_"I'm sorry… I'm so sorry…" I sobbed. "I just want you to come back to me. I miss you so much, it hurts. Everything fucking hurts!"_

_I started to shake uncontrollably. A voice was calling out to me, but it wasn't his._

_Jane… Jane…_

~

"Jane, you need to wake up! Hey! Snap out of it!"

I was shaken out of my nightmare, lurching upwards out of bed as I gasped for air between heavy sobs. My body landed in the arms of the one who woke me up.

My sister, Macey. Instantly, I felt a tight embrace.

"It's okay… I'm here." I felt her fingers stroking through my hair, trying to calm me down. "Was it about him again?"

It took me a moment to answer as I gained my composure, but even after I was finished crying I felt like literal garbage. Like a layer of disgusting green scum floating on top of a stagnant and neglected pool. Or like the rotting debris at the bottom of a bin that nobody wants to pick out and throw away. 

"Yeah… it was about him." I sniffled through my answer, wiping the tears away from my restless and red puffy eyes.

A shade of concern spread across Macey's face. "Jane, this is the third time you've had a night terror this week. You haven't had this many in a row since we were kids. Not to mention you haven't had a full night's sleep since you've been here and you haven't talked to anyone about what happened with Kevin. You can't keep beating yourself up like this! You know I'm here for you if you need to talk."

When I was a kid and had recurrent nightmares, it was always my grandmother that would help me once I woke up. Macey would ignore it or groan out loud about how annoying my cries were. This was weird; It was a rarity to see Macey so supportive. She has never been this empathetic towards my feelings before; we barely talked to each other when we were in high school and we lived together. Even though she was offering to help, I couldn't help but shut myself down. I don't want to talk about what happened. Every time I think about it, it hurts physically and emotionally. 

I'm a terrible person. I'm a piece of shit that ruins everything. It made sense to suffer by myself. I'm the reason why Kevin isn't here. I'm the reason why he's so upset and angry. I'm the reason for all of the wrong reasons. 

It's all my fault…

"Jane…" 

I quickly interjected. "I'm fine, Mace. I just-- I don't wanna talk about it." 

"Well too bad, you're going to and you have no say in the choice." Macey stood up and flicked the bedroom light on. "Get dressed." 

I squinted and groaned at the sight of the bright ceiling lamp above me, turning my head towards the window to see that it was still dark out. "What time is it?" 

Macey took a peek at her cell phone, which was hiding in the pocket of her heather grey lounge pants. "5:34 AM. There's a new cafe a few blocks down that's open 24/7. I'll meet you in the foyer."  

Macey left before I could counter her aggressive persistence with a snarky remark. She was right though; If I talk to someone about what happened after that fateful night maybe it would help alleviate the crushing pressure I had been feeling on my chest lately. It’s honestly felt like my whole world crashed before my eyes and I've been buried deep under the remains. 

I slowly got out of bed and sauntered over to my messy suitcase to get dressed. I threw on the first sweater I found upon digging through the mountain of clothing and quickly realized it wasn't mine. The neon green hoodie was three sizes too big. I don't know how it got in there, I must have grabbed it in a hurry when I…

The pain in my chest came back. Just take deep breaths, Jane. Inhale, exhale… Fuck, this was making it worse. I was starting to smell him through the fabric of the sweater and tears began to well up in my eyes. The pain felt like I was having a heart attack at this point. I never realized how much this could hurt…

I had to take off the sweater. I threw it over to a dark corner of my bedroom intending to never look over there again and found another sweater that I recognized as mine. I wiped the tears away with my sleeves, irritating the skin on my face. I finished getting ready and slowly tip-toed my way down to the foyer of the house. 

Macey and I were staying in our childhood home with our great aunt Linda, our grandmother's younger sister. The house is a small but beautiful 3-bedroom, 2-storey house with a big backyard just outside of the GTA. Usually spacious, the house has been a little cramped for the holidays. For the time being, Macey and I are sharing my bedroom while her room and my aunt's room are being occupied by extended family members. There are even a few cousins camping out on air mattresses in the living room. There are twenty people currently living under this roof at the moment, and as much as It's been nice to catch up with family since I haven't been home for Christmas in a while, there is one special and important person missing and it's honestly been a struggle.

The last time I was home for the holidays, it was just my grandmother and I. Macey was off travelling the world at the time but managed to squeeze in a quick video chat with us on Christmas Eve. There were no other family members invited over to partake in our festivities. It was just me and her, baking endless amounts of shortbread cookies and eating them all while watching Christmas movies together. We opened gifts at midnight because my grandmother was overly eager and wanted to give me my presents right away. We also made a huge dinner and had leftovers for what felt like weeks; I remember bringing back containers of turkey and all the fixings with me to Boston. 

Those were the good memories I forced myself to remember because I knew that Christmas would be the last normal holiday I would get to spend with my grandmother. There were moments where she forgot things, like setting the kitchen timer (which led to burning a batch of cookies) or calling me by my sister's name instead of my own. I shook off those instances because those were common mistakes. Then I opened my gifts. That year, I got pyjamas and socks meant for a ten-year-old girl and not a nineteen-year-old woman. I smiled through the moment and laughed, but inside I started to realize something was wrong. 

After that Christmas, it got worse. My grandmother was forced to retire a year later after almost killing a patient with the wrong treatment. There wasn't enough money for me to constantly travel back and forth to take care of her, so my aunt Linda moved into the house with her. Throughout the next year, her behaviour started to change; she got aggressive, scratching and hitting my aunt when all she was trying to do was help. She went to see a specialist and was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. When I came home for a week during summer break, she didn't know who I was anymore. She stared at me like I was a complete stranger. It’s like I had been nobody to her for the last twenty-one years of my life. I sobbed in the bathroom on the plane home.

The boiling point happened a few months ago when my grandmother left the house without saying anything and had been missing for fourteen hours. The police ended up finding her miles away from home. She was sitting on a park bench in her nighty with no shoes on, her glasses broken on her face, and a large bloody gash on her leg. Nobody knows what happened to her. When my aunt asked her what happened, she began to mumble in a language nobody understood.

After that, my aunt decided that it would be best to put my grandmother in a nursing home. A few weeks ago, they found an inoperable brain tumour the size of a golf ball.

She doesn't have much time left.

I never told Kevin any of this, it's too hard to talk about. I only told him that she was sick and left it at that. He will probably never know now...

I made it down the stairs slowly and saw Macey already waiting for me, as promised. The foyer was next to the kitchen and as I walked by, an overwhelming aroma of bacon filled my nose. I took a quick peek inside to see that Aunt Linda was already up, preparing breakfast for the entire family. She broke her concentration from mixing pancake batter to look up at Macey and I getting our coats on.

"Good Morning!" Her voice was full of pep as she greeted us. "Where are you off to so early?"

"We couldn't sleep so we're gonna grab a coffee and chat about sister stuff…" Macey explained. "We'll be back in a few hours."

It couldn’t be a December in Toronto without snow; Chunky, white flakes obstructed my vision as we trudged through the few inches freshly laid out on the sidewalk. What made it worse was the wind; a large gust blew passed and immediately -4 degrees Celsius felt like -24 in an instant. It wasn’t long of a walk but by the time we reached the cafe, the bottom of my feet (which were inside sherpa-lined boots and double-layered with thermal socks) were numb and my cheeks were red, aggravated by the freezing snow whipping into my face.

Boston is warmer. Fuck, I wish I was in Boston.

What Macey failed to mention is that the new coffee shop down the block was actually a 24-hour internet _slash_ gaming cafe. We walked in and noticed the rows of computers occupied by video game insomniacs, surviving on nothing but energy drinks and Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and grinding on whatever FPS or RPG game they were playing. Some were smashing their fingers almost through their keyboards while others groaned out loud, rage-quitting their game and shutting off their monitor. I was waiting for someone to get so mad at their session of _Everquest_ that they pick up the tower and try to throw it across the cafe. Unfortunately, that moment never came.

Macey and I ordered drinks and found a table in the back of the cafe, away from the unhygienic stench that was emanating from the front. For the next five minutes I sat there silently sipping on my green tea latte, my eyes transfixed on the froth hanging onto the side of the cup and trying to avoid contact with my sister. I could sense her patience wearing thin.

“We came here to talk, remember?”

I took another swig of my drink, admiring the speckled design of the tabletop. 

“Jane…” I finally looked up to see Macey’s eyes wide with worry, her arms firmly crossed in front of her chest.

I deeply sighed. “Give me a second…” Another sip. The hot liquid was gurgling in my mouth. “Can I at least wake up?”

“Can you at least stop avoiding what I’m trying to talk to you about? I dragged you here because _you_ woke _me_ with your crying and whining about your boyfriend!”

The words like felt a punch to the gut. I bit my bottom lip to make it stop quivering. The lump in my throat rose and I got quiet again. Macey saw the hurt on my face and instantly took her words back. 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to--”

“It’s okay, you didn’t know…” To be honest, I don’t know where we stand either. 

Macey placed her hand on mine. “But I want to, and you need to let someone know. What happened?”

I took a deep breath. Time to let it all out.

I started with the night of the party. I told her how I got a little too drunk and should have stayed home. I told her how I put myself in a vulnerable position and how I had to have a nervous breakdown to get out of it. I told her about the fight and the arrest, and how I ended up in an interrogation room at two in the morning, scared and alone, giving a statement about what happened. The officer asked me about my relationship with Kevin, and I told him that he was my boyfriend but didn’t elaborate further on the subject. 

After I was interviewed, I sat in the waiting room, staring at the door that led to the holding cells. I was waiting for the moment that he would walk out and we could finally go home. All he was doing was protecting me, he did nothing wrong. However, I ended up falling asleep and was woken up by the receptionist a few hours later, letting me know that Kevin was released and taken to the nearest hospital to get examined. She called me a cab and I went back to the dorm.

My phone was dead, so I couldn’t call or text him to make sure he was okay. I couldn’t find my keys, so I ended up waking Gina at 5 AM by banging on the door. My head was pounding, my heart was pounding. My anxiety was at an all-time high. For a while, my body completely forgot how to breathe. My muscles were tensing up, I couldn’t relax until I found out what was going on. Gina ran the shower for me and forced me into the bathroom. All I did was sit there, letting the water run down my body, barely washing off the memories of the night before. All I could do was think about him and wonder if he was thinking about me at the same time. 

I had just finished getting dressed after my shower when I heard a knock at the door. I wasted no time racing to the door and whipping it open to see him standing there, battered and bruised. His crystal blue irises hid behind swollen, purple eyelids. His nose was bandaged up and the bottom of his chin was stitched up. My eyes instantaneously filled with tears that flooded down my face. I rushed into his arms; he winced the moment my body impacted with his but held me close to him right after. All I could do was apologize, over and over and over. He could barely talk, his entire body ached in agony but he managed to squeeze out a few words.

‘ _It’s okay, everything is going to be okay…’_

The next day, I found out that no charges were being laid from the fight. Both parties didn't want the hassle, especially since Jaxon's parents happened to be one of the biggest contributors to the school. They donate so much money every year that one of the science buildings is named in their honour. The last thing they want is their son tarnishing their name. Also, it turns out that the vehicle that was destroyed during the fight was abandoned. There were no plates or registration so the cops didn't have a clue who the car belonged to or what it was doing there in the first place. It seemed like everything was in the clear and Kevin and I can finally go public with our relationship and we can all go on with our lives as if nothing ever happened...

Yeah right.

A few days later, I got a summons from the college. I was to appear in front of an academic board, comprised of faculty and students I didn’t know, in regards to a school policy I had violated. I knew right away what they were referring to, and once Kevin had let me know that he got the same notice, knots formed and tangled in my stomach. The college found out what was going on between us. My worst nightmare was coming to fruition. The administration most likely found out because of the fight and the statement I had given to the officer right after. Fuck, I should have kept my mouth shut. We’re now in this situation because of me, and we could both lose so much, including each other.

To be honest, it felt like I was already starting to lose him. Leading up to the hearing, Kevin was distant. There were minimal phone calls and texts, and I had been staying at the dorm with Gina. I guess it made sense; the school was already onto us, we didn't need to make it worse for each other. However, I felt lost and confused and I've never felt so alone. I didn't know how to prepare for this hearing. What was I going to say? What was he going to say? Shouldn't we be trying to figure this out together? We obviously can't deny that it didn't happen, because it did. We should be standing in solidarity together when it comes to our relationship because there's strength in numbers and if we both admit that everything happened at the wrong place and at the wrong time, maybe the board won't punish us so harshly.

But that wasn't the case...

"I just wish I had seen it coming…" I rubbed the back of my neck trying to comfort myself, my voice slightly breaking. "I was so blindsided, Macey."

A small scowl appeared on my sister's face. I could hear her exhaling heavily through her nose. Her tone of voice lowered and her teeth ground together, which usually happened when she was angry. However, I've never seen her mad in defence of me before.

"What happened?"

~

It was the day of the hearing. It was early on a chilly Boston morning as I was walking through the empty campus towards the administration building. Finals were pretty much done for the semester, and most of the student body had already left to go home for the holidays. I was hoping I could do the same with a certain someone in the next few days. The radio silence between us had been killing me inside. I missed him. I was eager to see him and get this hearing over with so we can finally be together.

_God, I am so delusional…_

Once I got to the building and checked in with the front desk, I was escorted to a waiting area that was outside of the board room my hearing would take place in. It was quiet in the area, I was the only person here at the moment. I stared down the door leading into the boardroom. It made me nervous, reminding me of the time I was waiting for Kevin to get released from the police station. I wondered if he was in there already, or if he was somewhere else in the building. Would I be able to see him and just talk to him for a moment? 

Suddenly the door opened and I held my breath for a second, hoping the person walking out would be the one person I've been anticipating to see.

It wasn't. I was expecting a tall and handsome man with a wide-eyed, puppy dog look of sadness spread his face. Instead, a short and slender woman appeared.

"Miss Delacruz?" Her voice was soft but stern. I stood up at the mention of my last name. The woman held the door open for me. "Come on in…" 

My legs were shaking with immense fear as I made my way into the boardroom. I started to sweat once I saw the long table in the middle of the room, and the three authoritative-looking figures sitting across from me. The woman that let me into the room was one of the people that would be talking to me. My anxiety took over and all I can remember about the other two is that one had thick, square glasses and the other had short blonde hair that was styled in a 'may-I-speak-to-your-manager' manner. 

Once I sat down in the chair placed in front of them, Glasses spoke first. "Miss Delacruz, do you know why you're here this morning?" 

"Yes, I think I know." My voice cracked as I answered apprehensively. 

"So you are going to answer our questions truthfully and to the best of your knowledge?" Haircut's tone was very rigid. 

I shook my head and could feel the tension in my shoulders and neck as I did. "Yes."

The three began to interrogate me, one at a time. Just as I suspected, they were speaking to me in regards to my relationship with Kevin. When one figure asked a question, the other two focused on me with intimidating stares. It felt like tiny daggers were being thrown in my direction to see if I would react somehow. All I did was fall in love. I wasn't planning an act of terrorism, but yet they treated me as if they caught me red-handed with plans to burn down the school.

How do you know Mr. Hayes? "I was a student in the Sociology class he took over teaching once Professor Strauss retired."

When did you start to develop feelings for him? "I think it was three weeks after he started teaching."

Did you consider the fact that having feelings for him could possibly have consequences, especially when it came to your education and his? "Yes, and I did try to end the relationship once but it… didn't work".

Why not? "…I was already emotionally invested. That's the best way I can put it."

They asked me about the janitor's closet. I couldn't deny anything about it or play dumb because there was video footage of us entering and exiting the closer either separately or together. How did we not notice the fucking security camera hiding in plain sight in the damn hallway? 

They also asked me if he favoured me over the other students in the class and if I thought he graded my work fairly. They also brought up the subject of him visiting my dorm and me going to his apartment off-campus. 

They asked about the night of the party at the sorority. Why was I there, why did Kevin show up, what escalated the fight between Kevin and Jaxon, and more. It felt like I was giving my statement to that police officer all over again, except I was sober and not completely obliterated from having too much to drink. The only similarity between the two situations is that I hate talking about that night. I just want to forget that it happened but I can't if I have to keep explaining it constantly. The figures noticed the irritation in my voice and decided to move on from the subject.

There were only a few more questions after that, but there was one that they bombarded me with that I wasn't expecting...

"Did Mr. Hayes ever force you into having a sexual relationship with him?" Glasses asked firmly. 

My jaw dropped. "No! Of course not! Everything between us was consensual."

Slender Woman flipped a few pages back in the notebook she was writing in. "Mr. Hayes mentioned in his interview that there was an incident where he left a bruise on your neck and that it was an accident. Can you confirm this, Miss Delacruz?"

My throat was getting dry from talking so much that I croaked at the beginning of my answer. "Yes, I can confirm that it was an accident. There was no intent to purposely hurt me, it--" 

I stopped. With the way the figures were looking down at me with such power, I felt like I was about to be shamed for what I was about to say next. I couldn't think of any formal way to say it. "It's more of a kink...of mine…"

I could feel my cheeks burn up the moment the words escaped from my mouth. I saw Glasses' eyebrows raise up from behind the thick frame in either interest or disgust. The corners of Haircut's mouth slightly frowned as she wrote a few notes in her book before closing it and looking back at me. I felt so hot that I wanted to spontaneously combust.

Slender Woman continued. "So to clarify, there was no harmful reason for the bruise on your neck?"

I cleared my throat. "No. He immediately regretted doing it. He's the most gentle and caring person that I know…"

"But you've only known him for three or four months?" She clapped back. "You don't know everything about him yet." 

What was that supposed to mean? The piercing attitude behind her words stung me with rage. I tried not to let my emotions get the best of me. 

"Yeah, maybe I don't know everything about him yet. However, what I do know is that there is not a bad or hurtful bone in his body. In regards to me, He has always been sensitive to how I feel. I have never been pushed into anything I didn't want to do, he has always had patience with me. In fact, He has shown me more respect and affection in these last four months than what I have received from anyone I have known my entire life. I know you're probably expecting a much worse answer than this because of what he's done in the past but that's the truth and I'm sorry."

"One more question, off the record." Slender Woman's eyes narrowed in on me. "Do you love him?"

"Yes, of course, I do--" Slender Woman was quick to cut me off this time. 

"Because I can tell you right now, your answers don't come remotely close to his!"

"Alright, that's enough!" Haircut raised her voice over Slender Woman. "We thank you for your honesty, Miss Delacruz. I apologize if the questions were repetitive and redundant at times but in recent years, we have had several cases where teachers have been manipulating and luring students into sexual relationships for their own personal gain and we take the issue quite seriously. Whether they be an aid gaining experience and credits or they are full-time and on salary, there is absolutely ZERO tolerance for such behaviour and Mr. Hayes was made aware of this when he decided to take the teaching position. However, we will be taking both of your stories into account when we deliberate and come up with a final decision." 

They thanked me again for my time and asked me to take a seat in the waiting room again while they talked over their decision. The silence of being the only one in here was eerie but it gave me time to reflect, especially with Slender Woman's words looming over my head…

What did he say to them? Did he tell them some sort of twisted truth that kept him protected and not me? And if he did, why would he do that to me, to us? With the way that Slender Woman was talking to me, maybe she was trying to imply that maybe I don't know who the real Kevin is after all. Or maybe she was trying to get in my head and psyche me out. Her 'mind games' tactic definitely worked because my brain was about to malfunction from thinking too hard. 

All I want to know is what he said… And I guess I was going to find out sooner or later.

" _Psst!_ " 

I looked up to see where the whisper was coming from and saw that familiar tall figure standing ten feet away from me in the hall. He looked different. There wasn't a relaxed, happy-go-lucky expression on his face like there usually is. Instead, he looked sullen. The brightness in his eyes was dull and darkened and filled with concern. There wasn't even a curve to the shape of his lips to remotely hint that he was happy to see me. He gestured with a nod of his head to come with him. I got out of my chair and followed him around the corner and into a small conference room down the hall. 

Once he softly closed the door behind him and turned around, I got a better look at his face. The swelling had gone down and the bruising was fading, the yellow and green shades made his complexion look pale and sickly. There were tiny scabs all over his face, protecting the deep cuts that were healing underneath. The stitches in his chin and nose were gone, leaving visible scars if you were close enough to catch a glimpse of them. All I wanted to do was cradle his face in my hands and tell him how much I missed him. But to be honest, I've never felt so awkward and intimidated by him like I was right now. I decided to keep my distance, my arms wrapped across my stomach as a way of comforting myself. My heart wanted to explode out of my chest.

He didn't say hi or ask me how I was doing. He went straight into asking about the interview. 

"So?" His voice was abnormally brash. "What did you say?" 

"I told the truth." I feebly stuttered.

"You told them the truth?" He scoffed as his eyes became wide with disbelief. He threw his arms up in the air, linking his hands around the back of his neck afterwards. His voice got tenser. "Seriously? Jane, why would tell them that? Do you not realize what you may have done?"

It didn't take me long to finally realize what he had done, and I honestly never felt so hurt and pissed off all at once. Actually, that's a lie. The last time I felt like this, I was being abandoned by someone that I thought cared about me. I guess I was wrong, twice in one lifetime.

"You lied…" I grinned and started to laugh under my breath out of anger. I was clenching my fists so tight I could obliterate a brick wall if I wanted to. "What did you tell them? What did you say to them that made me look like a fucking FOOL once I went in there and defended your character?"

"I told them that it was a one-time thing. I said that it was an accident and that it was never going to happen again!" He blatantly blurted out.

"You did WHAT? What the FUCK, KEVIN!?" I didn't mean to shout, but at that point, I wanted to get in his face and re-align his nose just like Jaxon did.  

He argued back. "I don't understand why you're getting mad at me. I was trying to protect you, I was trying to protect US! You're the one that may have fucked it up for the both of us!" 

"Oh, don't you DARE even point your finger at me! As if this was my fault!" I unintentionally pointed my index finger at him before poking him in the chest as hard as I could. "How was I supposed to know you had this elaborate plan to lie when you haven't spoken to me in DAYS!? How was I supposed to know you were going to tell the academic board that I was nothing but a FUCK AND CHUCK! Is that seriously what you think of me?" 

"NO! You know that I don't think of you that way, Jane!" He put his hands on my shoulders. His grip was almost too tight for my liking. "You know that I love you!"

"If you loved me, you wouldn't have thought about only yourself in there! You should have protected me in there like I protected YOU!" I pushed his hands off of me and turned around, hiding my tears from him. "I don't even know who--"

I couldn't finish what I was about to say. That snarky slender woman's words were about to come out of my mouth and I didn't want to prove her right. The feeling of not being able to breathe came back and it instantly felt like I had gotten hit by a school bus. Everything started to hurt. My chest, my head, my heart. I had gotten so mad that my entire body started to vibrate, even my teeth were chattering. I didn't want to look at him or be in the same room. I ran out sobbing before he could say a word to me and went back to the waiting room where I stifled my cries so the board didn't hear how devastated I was. 

I was betrayed by the one person I thought I could fully trust with my heart. And now, because of both of our terrible and poorly-timed mistakes, our academic lives are at stake. I only have one credit left before I graduate, I can't get expelled now. I definitely can't move back to Canada; as much as I love my family, there's nothing for me in Toronto anymore. I thought my heart belonged in Boston, but now I'm not so sure anymore…

A few minutes went by and Kevin showed up in the waiting room. I tried to ignore his presence as he sat on the other side of the room but couldn't help but notice how red and puffy his eyes were. He bit down on his bottom lip as he sniffled and wiped his nose with his hand, followed by wiping the snot on his pants. His knees shook as he sat there impatiently, his knuckles were red. I forced myself to stop studying him. I hate how observant I was to his body language and idiosyncrasies.

We stayed quiet until we were called back into the boardroom, where we learned of our unfortunate fates.

~

"Wait, you got expelled?!" Macey was on the verge of freaking out when I stopped her.

"No, I didn't." The muscles in her face relaxed once she heard the news. "The school didn't want to deal with the whole visa termination process when I only had one credit left so they let me stay. However, they banned me from campus next semester so I lost my dorm placement and I have to complete my class via 'e-mail correspondence.'" I laughed half-heartedly at the exemptions given to me. "The only time I'm allowed on campus is when I pick up my diploma during graduation. It's absolutely ridiculous…"

Macey tried to lighten the mood by joking around. "Be happy that they're allowing you to stay and finish your degree, even though you may be living in a cardboard box next semester! Just make sure to find one with Wi-Fi and close to a gas station or a restaurant!" 

It did make me chuckle a little bit. "Thanks for the advice…"

"No problem!" All of a sudden, a lightbulb went off in her head. "So if you didn't get expelled, that means that--"

"Kevin did?" I unfortunately sighed. "Yeah, he did… He got in so much trouble when he was an undergrad that the fight and lying about the relationship was the final straw for them. He left the boardroom without a word. I felt like shit seeing him leave."

"Jane, you have no reason to feel like that!" Macey countered, taking a sip of her cold Americano. "I'll have to admit that both of you are at fault for certain things but you are not to blame for what he said during his hearing! He hurt you and he put himself in that position to get expelled. God, I'm so pissed at him!"

"Well, you're about to be fucking furious after you hear what happened next…"

Macey's caffeine buzz made her pupils bounce around like they were large googly eyes. I was afraid she was going to smash her cup into a thousand pieces and throw her chair across the coffee shop when she heard what I said. Instead, she looked stunned and wide awake, all at the same time

"You've got to be kidding me! What the hell did he do after that?"

~

It was a few days after the hearing. Gina was getting ready to go home to North Dakota and I was getting ready to move out. At this point, I didn't know if I was going back home for the holidays. I was supposed to be leaving for Toronto in 36 hours with Kevin, but I haven't spoken to him since our big fight. Everything was so up in the air that I accepted the fact that I wasn't going to see my family for Christmas and instead worried myself with finding a new place to live before my shit got thrown out on the curb. 

I was glued to my laptop screen with my jaw unhinged, revolted by the prices of rent on studio apartments in Boston when there was a knock at the door. We weren't expecting anybody to come by. Maybe it was campus security ready to kick me out earlier than expected. Luckily Gina got the door, which gave me time to start climbing out of my window if I have to. 

"Jane, it's for you…" Shit. "It's not campus security!"

Then who is it? I crawled out of bed and sluggishly ambled down the hallway to the apartment door. I was shocked to see who was standing there, asking for me.

"Jimmy?" 

"Hey, Jane." He greeted. He looked a little awkward standing in the foyer. I don't know if it was because of the fact that he barely knows me or if it's because of Gina ogling him from the hallway. 

She left to go back to her room but not before she whispered to me that I should have gone for 'the cuter Hayes brother.' I rolled my eyes at Gina's suggestion, whispering back I'm not doing that because he has a girlfriend. Once she left, I asked what he was doing here.

"Just came to check up on you, see how you were doing." He explained subtly. "I heard about what happened."

"Thanks for looking out for me." I leaned against one of the walls in the foyer, bashfully bowing down my head. "To be honest, I never thought I'd be worthy enough to receive a Jimmy Hayes wellness check. Shouldn't that be reserved for someone related to you?"

"That's why I'm here first. We're gonna go talk to him, together."

My shoulders tensed up. I could think of a million ways of how this could go wrong. "I don't know. I'm trying to give him his space right now. He's probably furious with me."

"And he's an idiot if he is because you were only trying to do the right thing," Jimmy explained. "But if I know my brother, I know that he's hurting just like you. Maybe talking about it with me there will help ease the tension."

After a little more persuasion, I decided to go to the loft with Jimmy. I had been living like a slob for the last few days so I quickly took a shower and changed out of my foul-smelling sweats and oversized t-shirt. After I got dressed into fresh clothing and made myself up to look half decent, I followed Jimmy outside to his car and we drove over to the loft. 

Even though I still felt emotionally wrecked over what happened at the hearing, there was the smallest bit of optimism beginning to dig its way out from under all of the sadness and anger. Deep down, I still had hope that we could make it through this rough patch. There was part of me that started to fantasized walking into the loft full of confidence, reciting a heart-mending monologue that would fix things right away and everything would be back to normal in an instant. We become endgame as the scene cuts to black on our romantic comedy's denouement and a montage of us living happily ever after rolls during the end credits…

_Clearly, I am an idiot._

However, as the car slowed and came to a stop in front of the cafe, reality started to set in. I was still hoping for a miracle, but deep down I knew this was the 'make or break' moment that was leaning more towards the 'break' angle. 

I just didn't realize at that moment how much I was going to break until Jimmy and I walked through the cafe and I immediately noticed a familiar face strutting down the spiral staircase. Seeing her satisfied smirk as her eyes met up with mine made my stomach churn and the blood drain from my devastated expression. 

Of course, she couldn't pass by without getting a word in first.

"Hook, line, and sinker…" She wiped the corners of her mouth before she devilishly giggled and made her way out. "See you never, Jane!"

Fuck you, Renee.

~

"NO! YOU'RE LYING!" Everyone in close vicinity was alarm by Macey's sudden shouting. "HE DIDN'T! PLEASE TELL ME HE DIDN'T!" 

"He's the only one that lives on top of the cafe, Mace…" I sighed, staring into my empty tea mug and cowering from the people looking in our direction. "What else would she be doing up there?"

Macey pounded her fist against the surface of the table and began cursing up a storm. "That son of a bitch! That stupid son of a bitch! Please tell me you dragged him to hell and back when you got up there!"

It took me a while to answer. The memory had been freshly seared into my brain and every time I thought about it, my mind gets hit with an overwhelming burning sensation. It was as clear as day. I could still see the look of surprise on his face when he opened the loft door in nothing but a towel to see me in tears, my heart shattering into a million pieces and scattering onto the ground around us. I pushed past him into the apartment to see the mess of blankets and sheets on the bed. I took a few more steps forward and felt something crack underneath my feet. It was a photo frame, face down on the hardwood flooring. I picked it up and turned it to see a photo of Kevin and me at the zoo the day we saw the sloths. As if I wasn't already down on the ground, beaten to a fucking pulp…

"I grabbed whatever I left there and I told him…" I paused to take a deep breath as my voice got heavy. "I told him I never wanted to see him again." 

I left the loft and walked to the campus with a garbage bag of my stuff in tow. As soon as I got back to the dorm, I phoned Macey. I didn't know who else to call but I had to get out of Boston and I wasn't doing it on his dime.

And now we're here.

"That's it? You didn't rip him a new ASSHOLE?" This time, Macey's shouting alerted a group of gamers at the front of the cafe. Their heads shifted around like a group of curious meerkats before fixating again on their computer screens. Her body was vibrating and it looked like she popped a few blood vessels in her eyes from straining so hard.

"Are you okay?" She should be asking me this question, not the other way around. 

"No! I mean, yes but not really…" Macey sighed and the crazed look left her face. "I'm sorry. I should be consoling you more than being mad at him but I'm genuinely pissed off. The bastard broke his promise…"

I tilted my head to the side, perplexed. "What promise?"

Macey sneered. "Oh, he can keep a conversation secret between us but he can't keep a promise. Apparently, getting his dick wet is more important! That's rich! Fucking men!"

I am so confused. "I still have no idea what you're talking about."  

"It happened the night we went to the karaoke bar," Macey explained. "You hit your head and passed out. Kevin took you to Urgent Care and I was going to come along but ended up staying at the bar because I'm an idiot who loves a good party!" 

She giggled disparagingly at herself, hoping that I would cue in with some laughter as well but I didn't. In fact, I squinted at her and clenched my jaw, trying not to tear her a new asshole for not staying with me that night. 

"Don't look at me like that, I haven't finished my story yet!" She got back on topic real quick. "Anyways, once I left the bar I called your phone and Kevin picked up. I asked him how you were doing and he said you were getting stitches and had to be monitored for a bit. So I ended up getting a cab and met up with him at the hospital…"

~

MACEY

I stumbled through the emergency doors of the hospital, my bare feet cold and dirty from walking around the building trying to find the right entrance. I wandered down the bright hallways juggling my stilettos and purse, trying to find the waiting room for Urgent Care. I eventually stopped at a vending machine to grab a few snacks but not long after that, I found it. I spotted a seat next to the giant of a man that brought my sister in and plopped down without warning, kind of scaring him. I pulled out the tiny bag of Sour Patch Kids I bought from my purse and ripped it open.

 "You want some?" I offered. His blue eyes fixated on the bag as he nodded his head yes. I grabbed his hand and curved his palm so I could pour some of the candy in it. 

My god, his hands are huge. And his eyes are gorgeous. If he didn't have a thing for my sister, I would be begging him to destroy-- 

_Chill, Mace! God, you get so horny when you're drunk_! _The guy clearly looks concerned about Jane! Say something!_

"Have you heard any updates about Jane?"

"Uhhh yeah…" He answered. "She's probably going to get released in the next hour." 

"Okay, cool…" It went silent. I ate my candy and scrolled through the thousands of selfies I took throughout the night, trying to find the best one to post on Instagram. 

After a while, he looked at me with his entrancing blue eyes. He seemed kinda off. "Can I ask you something?" 

"What's up?"

He hesitated for a second. "Do you purposely try to outshine your sister?"

I tilted my head to the side. "What do you mean by that?" He started to backtrack, saying it wasn't his place to talk about it but I insisted that he do it. I was curious to know.

"It's just…" He deeply sighed. "From what she's told me and from what I saw tonight, It's like whenever she's around you her confidence seems to stunt itself. She begins to doubt everything, especially herself and her ability to do anything and she shouldn't be doing that because she's… amazing. She's the shit, the coolest girl I have ever met. She surprises me every day with something new and awesome about her and it makes me like her more and more. Like, I didn't show she can rap like that until tonight. Or the other night when we were watching this skateboarding movie and she knew all of the funny lines and even started to name off some of the tricks they were doing. It was dope!"

I started to giggle. I knew what movie he was talking about. "You guys watched _Grind_? That's one of her favourite movies. It's what got her into skateboarding when we were kids."

"She can skateboard too? Wow!" He was in awe. His eyes were glistening and a small smile appeared on his face as he looked down at the floor. He rubbed his hands together nervously and stammered his words.

"I think the point I'm trying to get to is that she's incredible and I don't ever wanna see her feel unimportant or like another blurred face in the crowd. I don't ever want to see her hurt because her smile is too precious to hide from this world. She's… kind of like the center of mine. Like, my world… If that makes sense?" 

His words absolutely melted my heart. "You sound like a man in love." 

"I...uhh," He lightly chuckled. "Yeah, I guess I am in love." 

The alarm on my phone went off and I looked at the time. "I gotta get going. I have a plane to catch." I gathered up my stuff I dropped on the floor and ordered myself a ride back to Jane's dorm. He looked at the time on his phone as well.

"You're heading to the airport this early?" He questioned.

"Yeah, it's weird but it's the only time I could catch a flight to Toronto. I think it's finally time to go home and see my family." My voice strained as I pulled the thin straps of my shoe around my foot and put on my jacket. 

I got up in such a hurry that I realized I never answered his question. I stood in front of him, trying to focus on what I wanted to say. I'm not very good at explaining things. 

"I had a lot of time to reflect while I was overseas. I thought a lot about how I've treated people in my life, especially Jane. You're absolutely right about me and the outshining thing. We were super close as kids but then we got older and we got distant. I forced others to like me by stealing others' attention and changing who I was. Meanwhile, Jane stayed true to herself and didn't care if people liked or hated her. She was just Jane. Not plain or boring or dull. Just Jane, and I love her for that."

"I realized that I was a really shitty sister. I still am and I still have a lot to learn, especially after tonight. But I'm going to try a lot more. I just hope that Jane has enough room in her heart to forgive and let me in because I have a feeling you're gonna take up a lot of space."

My phone went off again, notifying me that my ride was here. I gestured Jane's date to get up from his seat and did my best to wrap my arms around his big and built body. I'm a hugger, and I also may have wanted to feel his muscles as well.

"It was really nice meeting yoooou..." Shit, I forgot his name. He chuckled at me as he saw my squished-up thinking face.

"It's Kevin. It was nice meeting you too, Macey."

I released him from my awkward hug and started to walk away, only to stop a few steps in and pivot back towards him again. "Hey, Kevin? Can you do me a favour?"

“Yeah?”

“Don’t tell Jane I was here. If she finds out I was checking up on her, which is very out of character for myself, she may collapse and hit her head again and we don’t need that.”

He nodded in agreeance and we both waved goodbye to each other. I took a few steps down the hall and turned back once more. 

“One more thing…” Kevin looked up, attentive to my demand that would be different than the last. “Promise me you won’t break her heart?”

A wide, genuine smile appeared on his face, giving me complete faith. “I promise.”

~

JANE

The entire time Macey was telling me about the night at the hospital, I sat in silence. The lump in my throat got so big that it was hard to breathe. My cheeks inflated every time I exhaled loudly through my mouth, and the skin under my eyes was officially raw and sensitive from constantly wiping tears away with my sleeve. 

Once I heard about the promise he made to Macey, I lost it. I buried my head into my arms and laid flat against the cafe table, releasing my anguish and sadness through muffled sobbing. I don't even know how much of my heart I have left because it keeps breaking over and over. The pain in my chest struck differently though, it hurt more than anything that I've suffered through in the last few weeks. And I know the reason why…

That night after the karaoke bar was already significant to me, to us. It's one of the few things that I remember even with having the concussion. It was the night that we both told each other that we were falling in love with one another. His words from that night began to echo through my mind, giving me a splitting headache and forcing me to cry even more.

_"...I never want to be that person you're upset with. I want to be the reason why your day gets better. I want to be the reason why you always have a smile on your face, why you always feel protected and loved. I want to be the person that is always in your corner, that person who is here for you no matter what."_

More memories began to flood my head. The night we first met. The night he walked me home. The first time he kissed me in the classroom. Our first date with the sloths and laser tag and eating sushi in the tent and our first dance. The first time we went skating. The many times we snuck into the closet at school or hang out in the cafe under the loft or the diner down the street. The many times we laid in bed together and hearing the quiet thumping of his heartbeat when my head was pressed against his chest. The way he smiled. The way his big beautiful blue eyes glistened. The way I could hear the excitement in his gravelly voice every time he said, 'I love you…'

This fucking hurts.

I miss him so much. 

Macey pulled her chair around and next to me, pulling me off of the table and leaning my body onto hers. She wrapped her arms around me and rubbed my back, hushing me and trying to reassure me that everything was going to be okay. 

"I'm sorry for the way I treated you and how I ignored you for so long. I'm not gonna do that anymore. I'll be here for you no matter what. I know it's not the same as hearing it from him but you're my sister and I love you and I hate seeing you hurt like this. We're gonna be okay and we're gonna get through this together one day at a time, okay?"

It was comforting to hear her say how sorry she was but she was right. It wasn't the same.

We grabbed our coats and headed back home. As soon as we walked through the door, we went straight to our room and locked the door, isolating ourselves for the rest of the day. I laid in bed most of the time, falling asleep but waking up soon after the moment I would see his face in my dreams. Macey left the room every now and then to bring up food but I wasn't hungry. She sat there quietly, eating and keeping herself busy by playing on my laptop. She shooed curious family members away when they asked what was wrong with me and if I needed anything. She politely declined their offers to help but there was one thing I did need.

I needed Kevin.

I woke up the next day to the sound of my alarm. Luckily, there were no nightmares and I got a full night's rest but I still felt exhausted. My emotions were in absolute hysteria yesterday and I was definitely feeling the after-effects of my breakdown. Coincidentally, It felt exactly like I had drank half a bottle of vodka. Unfortunately, I didn't black out and I still remember everything from the day before.

My mind was on so many other things that I forgot the date but was reminded once I grabbed my phone. December 24th, Christmas Eve. Macey and I had a visit with our grandmother at the nursing home today. We had to be there in three hours. Macey was already out of bed, and I could hear her arguing with one of our cousins over the bathroom. I guess I should get ready as well…

After waiting for the bathroom for thirty minutes and taking a freezing cold shower, I got back to my room and started to dry my hair. My blow dryer decided to quit halfway through, leaving one side of my head still damp and sad. I threw it up in a bun and left it at that. While putting on my make-up, I split half of my foundation on the carpet, accidentally put the wrong shade of blush on my face, and fucked up my eyeliner. Twice.

Great. It was going to be one of those days, huh?

I rummaged through my suitcase for an outfit to wear and found a blue box at the bottom. I opened it to find the necklace I got from Kevin. The white gold chain with the light blue pendant that reminded me of his eyes. It was a beautiful piece of jewelry, I couldn't help but put it on. I just wanted a little piece of him here with me…

I finally got dressed and said a quick prayer to not get anything on my white turtleneck or black leggings as I made my way downstairs and saw Macey juggling a pyramid of food containers while trying to put on her boots. This may end in disaster if I don't help. I grabbed the containers and she breathed a sigh of relief.

"Thanks!" Macey smiled. I handed her back the food so I could get my stuff on too. "When Linda said she was cooking for Ma, I didn't realize it was going to be a five-course meal!" 

Aunt Linda overheard the comment and butted in from the kitchen. "IF YOUR GRANDMOTHER CAN'T SPEND CHRISTMAS WITH US, YOU BRING CHRISTMAS TO HER!!!"

I saw our ride pull up to the house in the frosted window of the foyer and we quickly said our goodbyes before heading out the door. As I walked down the driveway to the Uber, I slipped on a patch of ice and fell sideways into a pile of snow. Fortunately, no food was spilled but I was now uncomfortably wet and freezing. Oddly enough, I wouldn't be cold for long. On the way to the nursing home, our driver hit a huge pothole and the lid for my aunt's cabbage rolls busted off and the contents flew out. It landed… pretty much everywhere; on my head, my jacket, my leggings and boots, and the seat. So now I'm cold, wet, and smell like cooked tomatoes and cabbage.

At this point, it's unlikely that I'm getting a Christmas miracle.

We got to the nursing home and the first thing I did was head over to the washroom to clean myself off. As I pulled pieces of rice and beef out of my hair, I glanced at my reflection in the mirror and felt the sudden urge to cry. _It's okay, you're strong, you can get through this,_ I thought to myself. _Everything may be piling up at the moment but you just have to keep calm and keep going. It's for your sanity._

I cleaned up the rest of the cabbage roll mess and sprayed myself with lavender air freshener to prevent smelling like some sort of soup. Then I realized how much I hated the smell of lavender. I walked out of the bathroom before I got a migraine from the repulsive floral scent and over to the front desk for directions to my grandmother's room. 

"She's on the fourth floor. Take a left after you're out of the elevator and it will be room 13 on the right." The receptionist happily advised. "Mary sure is popular this Christmas! You're already her third visitor to come by today!"

"Oh…" Her third? But it's only me and Macey at the moment. Who else came by to see her? I thanked the receptionist and got into the elevator. I was still theorizing who the third visitor could be as I made my way up to the fourth floor.

Maybe Aunt Linda came to see her earlier in the morning? Or maybe one of the hundreds of extended family members staying with us? Or maybe an old coworker from the hospital? 

I got out of the elevator and shuffled down the hall to room 13 on the right, where the first person I saw upon entering would be the mystery guest himself. He was sitting in a lounger by the window across the room, staring right through me with his bright blue eyes as I stood motionless by the door. I was so shocked that I accidentally dropped the food Aunt Linda had slaved in the kitchen for hours preparing. The containers exploded all over the floor, startling my grandmother who was sitting in her bed. In the corner of my eye, I see her conversing with Macey.

"Macey darling, who is that?" She asked, bewildered.

"Mama, that's Jane." She whispered. "You remember Jane? Your other granddaughter?"

It took her a while, but once she realized who I was her eyes grew wide. "Oh yes, I remember. Little baby Janey! She is so big now! And so beautiful!" My grandmother pointed towards the man in the corner of the room. "Does she know--"

"Yes she does," Macey answered. "She knows him very well…" 

Kevin. It was Kevin. Here, in Toronto and not in Boston. I blinked a couple of times to make sure he wasn't some sort of mirage or hallucination but he was here. Kevin was here.

A small smirk appeared on his face. My heart skipped a beat.

"Merry Christmas, Jane." 


	9. PART NINE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jane and Kevin finally talk. (This is literally the only description I can come up with without giving anything away I’M SORRY, OKAY!?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE END IS HERE! However, DO NOT be sad as there will be an Epilogue coming out in the “near” future? LOL! Also, a lot of crying (like a lot, Jane is very emotional in this part. Once again, I’m sorry!), and lots of big decisions and surprises!

PART NINE 

 

His presence had broken me. 

 

The processor in my brain had suddenly glitched and now my entire body was beginning to shut down. My jaw dropped to the floor, sitting in a puddle of now spoiled entrées that were supposed to be my grandmother's Christmas dinner. I was frozen in place, my hands and arms moulded as if the containers of food were still in my grasp. My eyes were on the verge of popping out of my skull and weird, stammering noises were coming out of my mouth. I was in a complete state of shock. 

 

I didn't snap out of my trance of disbelief until I heard a comment about me standing in the mess I made, most likely coming from my grandmother. I finally blinked in what felt like the first time in hours and gave my head a shake. 

 

"Uhh, I need a… mop." I pivoted around and left the room at a break-neck speed. 

 

I didn't know where I was going. I aimlessly wandered around until I found myself lost in another part of the building. Not only did I have no idea where I was, but I also lost my train of thought thinking about him, sitting in that small room with my family... 

 

Wait, why did I leave again? Right, the mop. I gave my head another shake. Ugh! I hate how I'm easily distracted just by the mere thought of him…

 

I managed to find a caretaker who was able to point me in the direction of the supply closet, which was literally a few doors down from my grandmother's room. By the time I got back, the mess I made was already cleaned up; the food on the floor was wiped up and the containers were washed and stacked neatly on top of a small side table by the foot of my grandmother's bed. I must have been gone long enough that they figured to clean it for me. Or maybe they thought I wasn't coming back at all...

 

I walked into the room with my head down low and beelined it to an empty chair beside the bed, past Kevin sitting in the corner and opposite to the side Macey was on. I was resisting the urge to not look back at him; I still couldn’t believe that he's here. I could feel him watching me fidget around in the chair as I took my jacket off, which now smelt like an array of different Christmas foods. It felt awkward to ignore him, but he wasn't the reason I was here. Not to mention, him showing up felt like an ambush that caught me completely off guard and now I was this bashful mess that didn't know what to say or how to act around him. 

 

It was difficult trying not to focus my attention on him, but I couldn't help looking back at him when he wasn't looking at me. I was torturing myself. The more I focused on him, the more my heart raced and my knees shook and the lump in my throat grew. All I wanted to do was sit in his lap and be comforted by him but it wasn't that easy. I was still hurt, and right now it was getting tougher to stay mad at him the more I peeked over at the corner. 

 

"Janey…" 

 

I turned my head towards the direction of my grandmother, whose familiar smile I haven't seen in a long time warmed me up.

 

However, the more I got a good look at her, the more I became concerned about her appearance. She had lost a lot of weight. Some of her bones were protruding, almost poking through her skin. She used to dye the little grey hairs at the top of her scalp to match her natural dark brown shade, but now her short pixie cut was all silver and white. She was wearing big circle framed glasses to hide the sinking bags under her round brown eyes and bright red lipstick to cover the blueness in her lips.

 

She was withering away in front of me and there was nothing I could do about it.

 

"Come closer, my darling. Let me get a good look at you!" Her voice was as delicate as the fine china sitting in the cabinet back at home. I shuffled my chair closer to her bed and she reached for my hand to hold. She felt so frail and was cold to the touch. I was scared to squeeze back just in case I ended up hurting her. Her hand moved up to my face and she lightly pinched and caressed my cheek. "You're so beautiful, my darling!"

 

I let out a soft giggle as she continued to shower me with compliments. "Thank you, Mama." There was a slight crack in my voice. She wasn't this cheerful the last time I came to see her, nor did she know who I was. This was refreshing.

Her eyes shifted to the back corner of the room. "Who is that handsome young man sitting over there?" She asked, the pitch of her voice a bit higher than usual due to her curiosity. "Is he your husband?"

 

"No, not my husband…" The words struggled to come out of my mouth. I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks. "He's my..." I didn't know what to say to her. What is he to me at this point? "He's my...Kevin. He's Kevin, and he's from Boston."

 

“Kevin,” my grandmother’s mousy voice called out to him. “Come over here, darling. Let me get a better look at you…”

 

He stood up from his chair and sauntered over to the bed, standing beside me. He placed one hand on my shoulder and an instant shiver ran down my spine. God, I wanted his body on top of mine, his hands all over me… 

 

Is it starting to get really hot in here, or is it just me?  _ Inappropriate time to be thinking about this, Jane _ . I wiped my clammy hands on my leggings and took a deep breath.

 

“Hello, Mrs. Delacruz. It’s really nice to meet you.” His gravelly voice made my mouth water.  _ Stop it.  _ I noticed how wide Mama’s eyes got as she reached her hand out for Kevin’s. Her hand was so tiny compared to his.

 

“You are so tall and handsome.” She complimented, her voice in awe. “And please, call me Mary. You are family now, Kevin.”

 

I bit the inside of my lip to prevent it from quivering, a quick and sharp breath exhaling out of my nose. I could feel my eyes welling up. How can words sting but warm your heart at the same time? My emotions were showing a little too much on my face because Mama noticed.

 

“Everything okay, Jane?” she asked. I shook my head assuring her that I was fine, but really I wasn’t. 

 

All of a sudden, she softly gasped. “Doesn’t he remind you of Papa?”

 

She was referring to my grandfather, who passed away long before I was born. I’ve only seen him in pictures around the house. Kevin looks nothing like my grandfather, with the exception that they were both tall.  

 

Mama proceeded to talk about how they met, which I'm surprised she managed to remember every detail. She told the story with such clarity as if she was living the memory in the present day. I've heard it many times, specifically every year on the day of his death. They met at the airport. She was an immigrant from the Philippines, new to the country. He was a Spanish man who accidentally took her luggage. She chased him around the airport and once she caught up, their eyes met and the rest is history. 

 

Hearing the story again made me think that maybe my grandfather and Kevin did have something in common; their eyes. The similarity isn't the colour or the shape of them, but what lies behind them. My grandmother would tell me whenever she was having a tough time or felt lost, she would look into my grandfather's eyes to seek solace. 'He had kind eyes' she once told me. 'They were filled with warmth and tranquillity and every time I looked into them, I felt at home.'

 

When I first met Kevin, I was entranced by his eyes. At the moment he was assertive, wondering where I was going as I was leaving the classroom but his eyes were doing the opposite. They were soft like his smile and I couldn't help but admire the sparkle in them. I've sort of fixated on his eyes ever since. Every time I look at him, It seems like his eyes emit more emotion and truth than his body language does. I always find security and an immense amount of adoration and love in them…

 

I couldn’t help but look up to see him already admiring me with his crystal blue, lovestruck smoulder. How does he always do this to me? I’m supposed to be infuriated with him. I placed my hand on his resting on my shoulder, my fingertips brushing lightly on his skin, finally acknowledging his presence in the room. 

 

“Hi…” I muttered under my breath. I felt a gentle squeeze on my shoulder.

 

“Hi.” And just like that, it was like no one else was in the room. That was until I could hear Mama gushing.

 

"Oh, look at them, Macey! They're so in love! Just like your Papa and I…"

 

I was brought out of my loving gaze by the sound of an incoming call. Kevin’s hand left my shoulder and pulled his phone out of his jacket pocket. 

 

“It’s my Mom…” A troubled look appeared on his face. “She’s probably wondering why I’m not at her house right now, and she’s probably going to question why I’m not in Boston as well. I’ll be right back.” 

 

As he left the room, Kevin answered his phone. “Hiiii. Don’t be mad but…” 

 

It was silent for a moment until Mama had a sneezing fit. On her last sneeze, mucous expelled from her nose and dripped down to her chin.

 

“Oh no!” Mama giggled. “That was a big one!”

 

I swiped a couple of tissues from the box sitting on her bedside table and leaned in towards her. “I’ll help you clean up, Mama.”

 

I started to wipe up the mess when she tried to grab the tissue from my hand. “It’s okay, Janey. I can clean myself up, darling.”

 

"I got it, don't worry." I persisted, gently cleaning the mucous under her chin and using another tissue to wipe the mess under her nose. She started to move her head around, resisting my help.

 

“Janey, stop. Give me the tissue please.” Her soft voice suddenly went stern.

 

“Mama, I’m almost done. Just hold still…” 

 

Her mood shifted so fast. I wasn’t expecting it.

 

“I SAID STOP!” 

 

She snapped, Her frail hand lunging for my wrist. I lost grip of the tissue, wincing in agony and begging for her to let go. I thought she was going to snap my wrist in half. No matter how many times I cried and pleaded, She wouldn’t release me. Macey had to intervene and pry away her clawed fingers that were digging into my flesh. Once she freed me, I immediately examined my mangled wrist. A few of her nails managed to break through the skin and blood trickled down my arm. Macey helped me by picking up the entire box of tissues and applying pressure to stop the bleeding. 

 

I was in shock, my hands went cold and started to vibrate. Tears rolled down my cheeks in response to the throbbing as I looked up at my grandmother and apologized profusely. Her facial expression suddenly went from anguish to blank confusion. 

 

“...Who are you? What are you doing in my room?”

 

Hearing those words ripped my heart out of my chest. The woman who raised me forgot me in an instant.

 

She looked at Macey, whom she still remembered and asked who I was. Macey couldn't stop stuttering her answer; she was just as traumatized about the incident as I was. Mama started to scream at me, demanding that I leave. I complied right away, not wanting to upset her any more than I already did. I carefully picked up my jacket and ran out of the room. I could still hear her yelling at me once I was out in the hallway. 

 

"LEAVE AND NEVER COME BACK! STAY AWAY FROM ME AND MY FAMILY! YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE!" 

 

Blood was trickling onto the floor and onto my clothes and jacket. The pain was getting worse and I was starting to feel light-headed. I stumbled down the hall, trying to find anybody that would be able to help me. I turned a corner and the first person I encountered was Kevin. He was still talking to his mother on the phone when he saw me in the corner of his eye. The moment he noticed the blood, he cut his conversation short and called out for help. 

 

"Jane, what happened to your arm?" 

 

I was in full distress mode, I couldn't respond. All I did was sob at the top of my lungs as I collapsed into his chest. 

 

The throbbing in my wrist had become unbearable, but what stung the most was my grandmother's shrill screams ringing in my ear, haunting me more and more as they replayed over and over in my head...

 

It was the loneliest I've ever felt.

 

~

 

I couldn't stop staring at the tensor bandage wrapped around my wrist and hand. On a scale from 1 to 10, the pain was a twelve. The cuts were deep enough that the nurse had to glue them shut to stop the bleeding, and even stretching out my fingers or balling my hand into a fist made me yelp. The ibuprofen I was given was barely working. The nurse suggested that I make an appointment with my doctor to get an x-ray done; He thinks I may have a hairline fracture or damaged ligaments. Who knew that such a small, brittle old woman would have enough superhuman strength to damage my entire hand…

 

And here I thought I was done with being hurt by the people I love.

 

The nurse left, leaving Kevin and me to sit in silence on opposite ends of a firm loveseat in the recreation room, right outside the hall where I found him. I was occupied with my contrasting feelings gathering up and creating one big clusterfuck in my head that I didn't know how to start a conversation with him. I was back to square one; back to being the timid girl that lusted over her teaching assistant. However, things were different. I was now the timid girl that had a whirlwind romance with her former teaching assistant and was unsure about her future with him. 

 

The last time I saw him, he did something unforgivable. It wasn't going to be easy to forgive and forget and move on because just like the marks in my wrist, the wound was still fresh. Every time I think about it, I feel so small and helpless to the point that I could be stepped on and no one would notice the remains of my body sticking to the bottom of their shoe. 

 

On the other hand (as in the one that wasn’t manhandled physically and metaphorically), I missed him so much. Seeing him here and finding out that he left Boston last minute gave me the tiniest bit of hope that everything is going to be okay…

 

But it really isn’t. Or maybe it is? I’m giving myself a headache. Love is fucking complicated.

 

“There you are…” Macey’s voice echoed throughout the empty room. I looked away from my bandaged hand to see her standing by the doorway, putting her coat on. “How are you feeling? How’s your wrist?”

 

“Okay, I guess.” I deeply sighed, carefully raising my injured limb in the air. "The nurse said I need an x-ray after the holidays."

 

"Shit," Macey muttered under her breath. "I've seen her get upset before but not like that. I couldn't calm her down myself, she had to be sedated." 

 

“I--” I looked down and shook my head, disappointed in myself. All I could imagine at that moment was my grandmother being restrained by several caretakers, trying to administer something to alleviate her hysteria. “If I would have just listened when Mama told me to stop, none of this would have happened. This is my fault.”

 

I suddenly felt a tingling sensation on my good hand. It was Kevin, interlocking his fingers into mine. My head lifted to be immediately transfixed by his wide, sympathetic eyes.

 

“Don’t blame yourself. You did nothing wrong. You were only trying to help.” 

 

I was so distracted by his touch and the heat radiating from his palm that I was unable to utter a word back. A small, reserved smile managed to break through the cracks of my despondent frown. I kept my head low, trying to resist the urge of getting deeply lost in his ocean blue irises. Luckily, I was spared the chance of pondering with my conflicting thoughts when Macey asked to speak to me privately. My hand gracefully slipped out of Kevin's grasp as I got up from the loveseat and dragged my feet to meet her in the hallway. 

 

I slouched against the wall as Macey spoke. I completely zoned out; I could barely focus or comprehend words at the moment. Macey noticed the blank expression on my face and snapped her fingers in my line of glazed vision.

 

"Hey, Jane! Are you listening?" She asked.

 

"No I wasn't, I'm sorry." I murmured, shaking my head out of my trance. "What were you saying?"

 

She sounded a little annoyed that she had to repeat everything she just said but did it nonetheless. She spoke slowly and enunciated her words to make sure I understood her the second time. "Mama fell asleep so I'm heading home to help aunt Linda with dinner. Have you talked to Kevin yet?"

 

I shook my head. "No…"

 

She exhaled sharply. "Jane, really?"

 

"What? I'm still surprised that he's even here!" I explained. "Didn't it catch you off guard too?"

 

She didn't answer me right away. Instead, her eyes started to dart around. "Well, not really… I invited him." 

 

My eyebrows raised in disbelief. "Wait, what? Why? When? How? Macey, what the--"

 

"I know, I know!" She interjected. "But I did it with good reason! You fell asleep after we got back from the cafe so I decided to steal your phone and I found his number and then I went down to the garage and called him and vented my frustrations very loudly at him but then he started to explain all of this stuff to me and..." By the time she was done her rambling, she was breathless. "You just need to talk to him."

 

"But he--" 

 

"Jane, you should know by now that there are always two sides to a story, and there is a lot you need to know from his side."

 

Macey looked at the time on her phone and announced that she had to go. She was already getting texts from Aunt Linda to stop at Loblaw's to grab a few last-minute things for dinner. I watched as she made her way to the elevator and turned around to remind me what time to be back at the house before heading down to the lobby. 

 

"7:00PM! Don't be late!"

 

I walked back into the recreation room and spotted Kevin inspecting the salt-like beads on the shuffleboard table. He turned his head towards me. God, that smirk. I suddenly started to feel anxious. I took a deep breath.

 

"Wanna get out of here?"

 

~

 

A few blocks away from the nursing home was a park I used to frequent as a kid. Seeing the entrance with the tall iron gate and towering oak and evergreen trees within brought me back. I knew the trails in this area like the back of my hand as I would wander them for hours in the summer. I figured that it was ideal weather to go for a walk; it was a bit chilly at -7 degrees but there was no wind and the snow had stopped falling. Kevin made little comments about how nice it was outside. He even pretended to act amused whenever he could see his breath in the frosty air.

 

I knew what he was doing. He was trying to make small talk. He was pointing out everything he noticed as we walked the trail; a crow perched on the branch of a tree, icicles dangling from a lamppost, a group of kids playing pond hockey. He was doing anything and everything to get a reaction out of me but I was mute. 

 

It felt like the first time I was alone with him all over again; Walking back to my dorm on a crisp October night and being painfully bashful in front of a man who was trying to get to know me better. It honestly felt like that moment happened ages ago when it was really only two months before. Time flies in a complex way.  

 

Just like that night, Kevin was the first to break the ice, bringing up one of the many elephants that occupied our claustrophobic room.

 

"Why didn't you tell me what was going on with your grandmother?"

 

I stopped in place and admired the fresh footprints we laid in the snow behind us. I peered up at the sky to see a small patch of blue attempting to break through the dull grey overcast. I was trying to distract myself with my surroundings because just thinking about what I wanted to say already had my bottom lip quivering. However, he's giving me an outlet; I need to vent and tell him how I feel.

 

"My grandmother was mine and Macey's only parent, our sole support system. We were too young to remember anything our mother did for us before she died and our father was off doing his own thing so all we had was her. As we got older, Macey became more independent and distanced herself from me, so I got closer to my grandmother. She worked long hours and would get home really late from the hospital but I would stay up and wait for her so I could tell her about my day and help her make her dinner before she went to bed. When I had nobody, she was there for me. As weird as it sounds, She was my best friend..."

 

I paused for a moment. The lump in my throat was back. I found myself biting the inside of my lip, trying not to release all of my emotions at once but it was pointless. They were bound to come out one way or another. I continued my explanation and felt the water flooding my eyes.

 

"A while ago, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Because of her illness, she turned into a completely different person. I hate talking about it because I have all of these precious memories of her that I hold dear to my heart and she can barely remember who I am. Meanwhile, my sister has been gone for years and my grandmother looks at her as if she never left!"

 

My voice got louder and more distraught as I choke back my cries. "Now I feel abandoned and It fucking hurts! They told my aunt that she has months to live and I can't even spend time with my dying grandmother for more than ten minutes without giving her an episode! I probably won't get the chance to say goodbye because there's nothing I can do to help her remember me! She's going to die not knowing who I am and it's fucking heart-shattering!"

 

My legs were shaking and I started to feel weak. The cold air seeped into my lungs as I wailed, making it hard to breathe. I was on the verge of collapsing onto the frozen trail when Kevin picked me up in time and guided me to the nearest bench. He dusted the snow off and helped me sit while he squatted down in front of me and held my hands in his for a moment. How were they still warm? It was honestly the most calming sensation I've felt in a while.

 

"Hey, look at me…" He tilted my head up by placing his finger under my chin and held my face in his hands, wiping away the tears as he tried to calm me down. "I know it sucks. It's the worst feeling in the world to see someone you love go through something horrible and you have no way of helping them and you don't know how to take the pain away.”

 

“I just, I don’t want to remember her this way.” I sniffled.

 

“And you don’t have to remember her that way. You said yourself that you have all of these memories that you're holding onto. You just have to hold tighter and all of the good things will outweigh the bad. You have to remember that no matter how much she changes and how much it hurts to see her change, she is still the same person inside and she needs your love and support no matter how you show it. Even if it's just the little things, you have to help fight her fight in any way you can."

 

I was unexpectedly triggered by Kevin's compassionate pep talk. I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I had a slip. The words just flew out of my mouth without any discretion. 

 

"Then why didn't you fight for me? For us?" 

 

He looked at me stunned, I had caught him completely off guard. I immediately tried to take back what I said but he stopped me.

 

"No, you're right…" He deeply sighed as he stood up from his squat and sat down beside me on the bench. 

 

"I'm just gonna come out and say it. I'm an idiot. A fucking idiot. I shouldn't have gotten mad at you for telling the truth and I shouldn't have lied. It was ridiculous to think that what I said to the board was best when it really wasn't. I wasn't thinking at all. About you or about us. I had no intention to hurt you and If I could take it back, I would. Jane, I'm sorry. I am so sorry. I have been losing my mind over all of this and… I love you so much." 

 

There was a crack in Kevin's usually low-toned voice. "I am so broken without you. This has been tearing me apart because I never wanted to be the one to make you feel this way."

 

"But how can you say that you love me when…" Just when I thought I had stopped crying, the tears came back again. At this point, my emotions were uncontrollable. "That day at the loft… I came to see you and instead I see Renee coming down the stairs into the cafe..."

 

Kevin put his hands on my shoulders and gently pivoted my body towards his. He awkwardly maneuvered his head so his eyes were levelled with mine as I stared down at my frozen, fidgeting fingers. 

 

"Jane, nothing happened with me and Renee." 

 

My head tilted to the side and my lips parted a bit. I didn't know yet whether or not to believe him. I know what I saw that day, but the sincere glimmer in Kevin's eyes was telling a different story. 

 

"But, I saw her." I was so perplexed that I started to stutter. "And Jimmy saw her too…"

 

"I was nowhere near Renee that morning. I didn't even know she showed up to the loft." He clarified calmly. "I woke up by myself that morning. I was extremely hungover from drinking the night before and decided to hop in the shower. I heard knocking at the door so I got out and when I opened it I saw you. I got so ridiculously happy to see you but you looked so upset and just grabbed your things and left in a hurry and I didn't know what I did wrong until Jimmy started freaking out on me..."

 

"I would never hurt you like that. Not in a million years, not ever."

 

I could tell he wanted to hold me by the way his hands travelled up and down my arms, lightly squeezing along the way. I could see the anxiety on his face; he was afraid that I was going to push him away, that I wasn't going to forgive him for what did or did not happen that day. However, he didn't have to worry about anything because I knew he was telling the truth. 

 

I never knocked on the loft door that morning. I didn't need to, I still had a key. He just so happened to open the door seconds after I got there. Not only was it just a coincidence, but the thing I had been heartbroken about more than anything else that has happened over the past month was nothing but a misunderstanding. 

 

I was so vulnerable that I easily fell for Renee's manipulation. I have never felt so foolish but so relieved all at once. I just had to make sure one more time.

 

"So... nothing happened?"

 

"Nothing happened."

 

I wasted no time wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling Kevin in for the tightest embrace. He followed by placing his hands on my back and nuzzling his nose into my neck. The chest-crushing pressure that I had been suffering from for weeks had instantly dissipated and for the first time in a while, I was finally able to breathe. 

 

"I missed you so much," I whispered softly into his ear. 

 

"I missed you more." His voice was muffled as he spoke into my neck.

 

"I'm sorry."

 

"I'm sorry, too."

 

I rebutted. "But I'm sorrier…"

 

Kevin chuckled, breaking our embrace but keeping his hand on the small of my back as I placed my head on his shoulder. He pressed his lips against my forehead, igniting an intense fluttering in my stomach. 

 

"Why are you sorrier?" He asked.

 

"Because I still feel bad about everything!” There was a subtle whine in the tone of my voice. “You got expelled and I can't step foot onto campus! " 

 

"Nah, there's no reason to feel that way. Sometimes bad things need to happen to make way for better opportunities." That smirk I love appeared on Kevin's face. It seemed wider than usual. "Trust me, everything is going to be okay." 

 

I could sense something was up because his mood had suddenly changed. He seemed eager; I could see the anticipation glowing in his eyes. His leg even started to vibrate against mine and I knew it wasn’t because of the cold.

 

“Something tells me you’re not as upset about the school situation as you were before.” I speculated. Kevin’s smirk turned into a bigger, goofy grin. 

 

"Well, there is some news I have to tell you. It's not bad, though. It's really awesome, actually…"What he told me was more than awesome. It was life-changing.

 

Kevin was going to be playing hockey again. 

 

He got accepted into a training program that helps to rehabilitate players and get them back into the game. He applied for the program in Boston but didn't get in. A few days after getting expelled, he got a call from a coach who runs the same program in Philadelphia, stating that he got a recommendation from the coach in Boston and was interested in Kevin after seeing footage of him when he played for the college. 

 

"You're going, right?" I perked up from my slouched position on the bench. "Please tell me you're going!"

 

"Of course I'm going! And here's the best part," Kevin was so hyped he could barely contain himself. "The rehab program is affiliated with the Flyers, as in the NHL Philadelphia Flyers! If everything goes well and I get medically cleared to play again, which he said could be very likely, I could get offered a tryout. I would probably be playing in the minors for a while but I would be playing professionally! I never thought I would be saying those words ever! Kevin Hayes: Professional Hockey Player!"

 

"Oh my God, that's amazing! I'm so proud of you!" I squealed a little too loud as I pulled Kevin in again for another hug. I didn't mean to, I was really excited for him. Before his injury, hockey was his whole life and now he's getting the opportunity of a lifetime to keep doing the thing he loves the most. 

 

"Thank you!" His voice was strained from how tight I was holding him and eventually had to squirm out of my arms to prevent being suffocated. He had to catch his breath before explaining more of the situation to me. 

 

"So I leave in a few days to get testing done and then I'm back in Boston for a week but after the new year, they want me out in Philadelphia full time."

 

"Oh, okay." I sounded unsure about what was being said to me at first. The words began to replay over and over again in my head until they finally hit right. "So that means, you're moving to Philadelphia?"

 

"Yeah."

 

"Okay...You’re moving to Philadelphia.” 

 

My brain was still malfunctioning. I kept on repeating the sentence as if it was a coping mechanism to accept the fact that Kevin was leaving Boston. Sure, it was a five-hour train ride away but I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that I wouldn't be seeing him every day anymore. For the last two weeks, I had crippling separation anxiety just thinking about not having him in my life and now that I just got him back, he's leaving again. 

 

What am I going to do?

 

“Jane…Jane…” I gazed up at Kevin, who didn’t seem as worried about the situation as I was. He placed his hand on my cheek, the warmth of his palm contrasted with my icy cold skin, and smiled the widest I had ever seen.

 

“I want you to come with me.”

 

~

 

We got back to the house a few minutes after 7:00PM. The moment I opened the door and stepped into the foyer, all eyes were on me and the mysterious guest I brought home for dinner. Within moments, Kevin and I were surrounded by my extended family, who were eagerly introducing themselves all at once to him. A bunch of my cousins mentioned how tall he was, to which one of my uncles asked if he played basketball. My aunts were entranced by his appearance, constantly complimenting him on how handsome he is. 

 

Dinner also went well. Everybody was laughing and having a great time telling stories and listening quietly whenever Kevin spoke. Some of my family members were so intrigued by his Boston accent that they asked him to repeat certain sentences to see what it sounded like coming out of his mouth. One of my cousins tried to get Kevin drunk by feeding him shots of Fireball, but by the time they hit their third shot, my cousin tapped out and Kevin barely had a buzz. After dinner, he helped clean up the table and dried dishes without being asked. Aunt Linda patted me on the back and whispered into my ear that I did a good job, that he was a good catch.

 

I couldn't help but feel so overwhelmed by seeing how much my family already loved him. I had to take a moment to breathe in my bedroom while Kevin played Mario Kart with the little kids in the living room. Macey walked in as I was laying on my bed, staring up at my ceiling. She motioned for me to move over and sat down on the bed.

 

“I’m guessing that your talk with Kevin went well?” She asked me. I sat up and leaned against the headboard of my bed.

 

“Yeah, it went good. Everything is good now. We’re good...” I muttered, playing with the tensor bandage on my wrist.

 

“Well that’s, for lack of a better word, good.” She slightly chuckled. “But I’m still sensing that something else is wrong.” 

 

This was a surprise to me. Our twin telepathy has been defunct for the longest time. However, I was making it obvious by the way I was acting. I was still looking down, unable to make eye contact with my sister. 

 

“Why do you say that?” I pretended to act oblivious, to try and throw her off as if I didn’t know what she was talking about. She didn’t fall for it.

 

“You’ve had this flat expression on your face all night.” She noticed. “I’ll see you smile and giggle but then it goes back to this emotionless gaze. It’s like you’re hiding something.”

 

I rubbed the back of my neck as I finally glanced back at my sister. My shoulders went straight into a slumped position and a long exhale escaped from my lungs. I could feel my chest tightening, trying to find the right words to say. 

 

“Kevin’s moving to Philadelphia. He got accepted into a hockey rehabilitation program and he asked me to go with him… and I said no.”

 

Macey’s shot a bewildered look at me, her mouth agape. “What, why?”

 

“Before he met me, hockey was everything to him. He has a chance to make his dreams come true by going through his program and I don’t want to be a distraction. I already got in the way of his education, I don’t want to get in the way of hockey. It’s too important to him and I don’t want him to resent me if something happened.”

 

"But he--I don't--You..." Macey was so stunned that her mind had gone blank trying to reason with me. It took her a while to answer back. "So, what are you going to do? What's going to happen now?" 

 

“I don’t know. I love him…” God, I am so sick of crying. I can’t hold it together for the life of me. “But when you love something, you set it free, right?” 

 

~ 

 

I went back to Kevin's hotel with him. I was torturing myself doing this, but I needed to give him a proper send-off. A final goodbye…

 

The ride to the hotel was the worst. We sat in awkward silence, spaced apart from each other on opposite sides of the car. Kevin reached for my hand and gently held it, his fingers caressing the bandage on my wrist. After a while, I closed the space between us and placed my head on his chest while he wrapped his arm around me to keep me close. I could faintly hear his heartbeat. This is the last time I was going to hear it. The contracting of his chest as he exhaled immediately started to lull me to sleep but I forced myself to stay awake. 

 

I hate this. I hate this so fucking much.

 

We got to the hotel and I asked the Uber driver if he could stay to drive me back home. I'll only be a couple minutes, I told him. If I stay any longer, it would make everything much more difficult to cope with. We entered the hotel holding hands and I trailed behind him as he led me to his room on the first floor. Once we stopped in front of the door, it really started to hit me. 

 

After tonight, I may never see him again. I won't see him on campus or sitting in the cafe under his loft. I'll never be able to look into his big beautiful blue eyes or see his soft smile spread across his face or hear his gravelly voice call my name. I'll never be able to cling to his body as we sleep or hear his laugh when I make stupid jokes or go skating or dance around the loft together or eat pizza and watch movies late at night ever again. 

 

This was it. 

 

I couldn't bear to look into those puppy dog eyes, begging me to stay. I was already an absolute mess; All I could think about was the last time I broke his heart and how this was going to be a million times worse. Before, I had just barely broken the surface of having feelings for him. Now, after a turbulent and fast-paced romance that changed my life, I was drowning in a trench of emotion twelve feet deep and I had no idea how to get out.  

 

"Are you sure about this?" Kevin's usual booming voice was quiet and shaky. I tried to speak but the words refused to come out. They were replaced by the choking sensation of me trying to hold back my tears. All I could do was nod. 

 

Kevin leaned in and pressed his lips against mine. It was intense. I could feel every ounce of passion leave his body and transfer into mine. I held his face in my hands as he kissed me and felt the wetness between our cheeks. I don't know if it was from my tears or his tears or both. We pulled away from each other at the same time. We both knew that the more we kissed, the more punishing this would be. 

 

And then he hit me with the gut punch, knocking the wind right out of me with those three significant words...

 

"I love you, Jane." 

 

I couldn't even utter them back. I kissed him on the cheek. "Goodbye, Kevin." 

 

I ran off in a hurry, not wanting him to see me in a full-on breakdown. I can't believe this was happening. This was the end of Jane and Kevin; finishing on such a low and devastating and broken note. 

 

My mind was racing with memories of the two of us while I walked through the lobby and out of the hotel, back to the car waiting for me outside. Being scared by him in the hallway the first night we met; waking up next to him the morning after our vodka binge; the first time we kissed in the classroom; serenading him at the karaoke bar; our first date at the zoo and playing laser tag and eating sushi in the tent and slow dancing in the loft. 

 

I kept on questioning whether or not I was making the right decision. I thought back to when we were in the park earlier that day, and what Kevin said to me once I told him I couldn't go to Philadelphia:

 

_ "Jane, you are it for me. You are the reason I can get up in the morning and get motivated to work hard and be the best version of myself. You are the reason I found passion in something that I thought I would never have a passion for again and it's because you helped me find it. You are the reason why I got on a plane at three in the morning and the reason why I haven't slept in days. You are the reason for all of the right reasons. You are everything to me..."  _

 

_ "...I get that you're probably saying no right now because you're still hurt. However, for the last few weeks, I haven't stopped thinking about what you said the first night I kissed you. You fit perfectly in this oddly shaped hole in my heart, and I don't know you got there but you've stayed put and it feels nothing but right to me…"  _

 

_ "...I will give you all the time you need to heal, and whenever you're ready, you know where to find me." _

 

I clutched my chest in the back of the car. That hole, that stupid oddly shaped hole that he managed to contort his ginormous, teddy bear physique into. It feels so empty now. I don't know if I'll ever find someone to fit so perfectly in there again. Then I realized I had completely forgotten that I was still wearing the necklace he gave me. Staring into the glimmer of the crystal blue pendant made my body ache tenfold. 

 

The car began to drive off. 

 

Before I left the house, Macey got upset with me once I told her I was ending things with Kevin: 

 

_ "No, this is unacceptable. Jane, you can't do this. He loves you and you love him and this is the perfect opportunity to start all over again. No more hiding, no more secrets, no more ending up in jail with a broken nose. You absolutely have no excuses, so stop making them up and restraining yourself from being with the one person that makes you happy in this world!" _

 

_ "I know you and I know you're going to regret this decision, so realize it now before it's too late! You want to be with him. Whether it's forever or just a moment, you know deep down you want him in your life right now. What are you so afraid of? Fuck everything that makes you doubt what you really want and just fucking do it!" _

 

What was I afraid of? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. 

 

The way I feel about Kevin is infinite. I am deeply and faithfully in love with him.

 

So why was I about to make the same mistake twice? 

 

"Can you stop the car, please?" 

 

I got out and told the driver to have a great night; after all, it was Christmas Eve. I was a block and a half away from the hotel. The fact that I managed to sprint on the icy sidewalk without falling on my face was nothing but a miracle. I frantically raced through the lobby and down the hall of the first floor, coming to a sudden halt once I found his room. I wrapped my knuckles on the surface of door #12 hysterically until he answered. I was exhausted, hunched over trying to catch my breath before I stood up straight and saw the beams of light his bright blue eyes exuded. I said the only thing that made sense, with my very last ounce of air exhaling from my lungs. 

 

"I'm sorry… I'm so sorry…" 

 

He enveloped his thick forearms tight around my waist. My entire body trembled from his touch as I reached for the back of his neck and ran my fingers through the tuft of his hair. 

 

"You really need to stop apologizing." 

 

His lips touched mine and a fire ignited throughout. I felt myself become weightless as he lifted me off of the ground.  My legs wrapping around his waist and my hands clenching his face. His taste got sweeter with each intense and everlasting kiss. I was ready to strip him down in the hallway when he finally opened the door to his room and carried me through the threshold to his bed.

 

The door slammed shut behind us.

 

~

 

_ Four months later _ …

 

“This is so weird…” 

 

I paced around the empty loft, amazed by how spacious the small apartment was once all of the furniture and decor was gone. Today is Moving Day. I still couldn't believe the day was here, even though all of mine and Kevin's belongings were stuffed into a moving truck downstairs, ready to be shipped off on a six-hour drive to Philadelphia. In the next few hours, I'll be on a plane heading to the same destination, to be with the man I want to be with for the rest of my life.

 

I rolled up the sleeves of my oversized neon sweater to pack one last thing. I haven't stopped wearing the sweater since Kevin left, especially for the last few months. It was my security blanket. I picked up the picture of the two of us at the zoo, bundling the frame in bubble wrap before placing it carefully in the last box. He got the frame replaced before heading out to Toronto and surprised me with it Christmas morning in the hotel room. I taped up the box and went to pick it up when I felt a pair of hands slide on top of mine."I got it!" Gina swiped the box from me and picked it up herself. It looked like she was struggling.

 

“Are you sure? I can help!”    
  
“No, it’s all good!” She insisted, her voice straining as she adjusted the weight of the box in her grasp. “I’ll meet you downstairs!”   
  
Gina left, leaving me by myself in the vacant apartment. Kevin already sent me pictures of the new place. It was a beautiful 3-bedroom, 2-bathroom condo not far from the rink he’s training at. At first, I thought it was unnecessary to have all of this space for just the two of us but now, not so much.

 

However, Kevin doesn’t know that quite yet... 

 

I wish he was here with me, taking this all in. I can imagine him running around like a little kid, attempting to do cartwheels and rolling around the floor, trying to make me laugh as a way to cope with this big life-changing event. I know that he’s working hard. He’s progressed so much since being in Philly. The other day he got cleared for contact so he’s able to train with the other guys in the program now, as well as doing his one-on-one sessions and physiotherapy. I couldn’t be more proud of him. 

 

We decided before he left that I would stay in Boston to finish school and graduate, which I did. I stayed in the comforts of the loft and did my online correspondence and completed my course three weeks early. My graduation consisted of being escorted by a security guard to the administration office to pick up my diploma and flipping off the welcome sign of the college before walking back home. I was already researching different graduate programs to apply for in Pennsylvania, although it may be a while before I go back to school.

 

Although it’s been hard not seeing him physically for the last four months, we do text and video chat a lot. He did manage to surprise me by visiting for Valentine’s Day, but I was sick with a stomach bug the entire time. For the forty-eight hours that he was here, he spent it all taking care of me; feeding me soda crackers and chicken broth and dealing with me looking a disgusting, green-skinned mess. He said he wouldn’t have had it any other way. 

 

The day he left, I woke up from my Gravol-induced nap with a ring on my finger. A promise ring. The light blue princess cut stone in the middle matched the pendant of my necklace perfectly. 

 

I switched off the lights in the loft and locked the door. I made my way down the spiral staircase one last time and handed the keys to the manager of the cafe, who handed me a box of various goodies as a parting gift. There were muffins, cookies, and macarons inside. Lots of macarons, especially the orange chocolate ones. He knows how much I’ve been craving them lately. 

 

We said our goodbyes and by the time I got outside, The moving truck had left and Gina was waiting for me in her car, ready to take me to the airport. We did have some time to kill before my flight, so I asked if we could stop at a few places. 

 

The first was a flower shop, where I picked up a small bouquet of hydrangeas and orchids, similar to the one Kevin surprised me with the week he was in New York. The sweet smell and pollen from the flowers filled the car and irritated my sinuses. I couldn't stop sneezing. Well, that was new; I've never had allergies before. Thankfully, it didn't take long for us to get to our second destination; Chestnut Hill Assisted Living, one of Boston's finest nursing homes. 

 

I rushed the bouquet in before I had another sneezing fit and placed them on the front desk, catching the attention of the nurse sitting there. 

 

She smiled at me. “Wow, those are beautiful!”

 

“Yeah, they are.” I admired the flowers sitting on the desk. “I actually wanted to drop them off for someone living here.”

 

“Of course! What was the name of the patient?” The nurse asked. 

 

“Uhh…” I forgot to look up his first name. Crap. “I can only remember the last name. It’s Strauss. He was one of my professors at the college before he retired and since I graduated a few days ago, I wanted to give these to him as a Thank You gift.”   
  
“Strauss… give me one second.” The nurse looked up the name on her computer. ‘Oh! You’re talking about Auby! I totally forgot he was a professor!”

 

“His name is Auby?” I looked at the nurse puzzled, intrigued by Professor Strauss’s nickname.

 

“It’s short for Auburn. Auburn Strauss. He’s such a sweet man. He never stops talking, especially about some guy named Max Weber.”

 

“Yup, that is Professor Strauss!” I giggled. I looked at the clock on the wall behind the nurse and realized what time it was. “I have to get to the airport. I have a flight in a few hours and I don’t know how crazy the traffic is going to be.”

 

“Okay! I’ll make sure to get these sent up to Auby’s room right away.” The nurse got up and grabbed the bouquet from the desk. “I see that there’s no card attached to the flowers.  Did you want to leave your name just in case?”

 

“No, it’s okay. Just let him know that they’re from a very grateful student.” 

 

As I left the nursing home, I couldn’t stop thinking about the name Auburn. What a beautiful name. I’ll have to keep that in mind.

 

We made it to the airport forty-five minutes before the departure of my flight. Gina helped me bring my luggage to the check-in, pushing people out of line so I could get to my gate in time.  The things she was yelling to convince people to give me their spot in line amazed me and made me laugh so hard, I almost peed my pants. Not going to lie, It wasn’t the first time today that I accidentally did it… I just hope I don’t do it in front of Kevin.

 

Gina walked with me until we got to the security check. Once we stopped, she started to cry.

 

“I’m gonna miss you!”    
  
I could feel the tears starting to well up as I chucked and hugged her. “Oh my God, please don’t cry! You know how easily I cry lately! I bawled my eyes out watching a cat video last night before bed!”

 

Gina laughed at that last statement. 

 

“You know we’ll be back to visit family! Plus, you’re coming out to Philly in a few months for the housewarming so everything is going to be okay!” I explained, wiping the tears away. Honestly, I wished she was coming with me. She has helped me so much over the last few months. She’s the only one that knows.

 

“I know!” She huffed. “It just sucks living alone! I miss having an annoying roommate!”

 

“Me too…” I noticed the queue was starting to get long. “I gotta go, Gina.”

 

We hugged one last time. “Don’t forget! Text me, call me, Skype me! Send me a messenger pigeon, I don’t care!” 

 

I got in line and could hear Gina yelling at the TSA agent helping me. "Hey! Be gentle with that pat-down! She's delicate cargo!"

 

Did I mention how much I was going to miss her?

 

By the time I got through security and made it to my gate, my flight was already boarding. I made it just in time. I found my aisle seat at the back of the plane, close to the bathroom just in case I really needed it. I sat down and looked through my phone before take off. Kevin had been texting me nonstop all day. He was so excited, he was already at the airport in Philadelphia and my plane hasn’t even left the tarmac in Boston yet. Reading his texts got me all giddy. Just a few more hours. 

 

The plane finally took off. God, I’m so nervous. My stomach was twisting and turning just thinking about what could happen when he sees me. How was I going to tell him? And When? And Where? How was he going to react? How was I going to react? I was overthinking the whole scenario that I managed to make myself nauseous… and now I’m actually going to be sick.   
  
At this point, we were halfway through the flight. I unbuckled my seatbelt and ducked into the bathroom to throw up. It’s 4:00PM. I’m blaming it on my nerves and the altitude of the plane. I was in there for twenty minutes, cleaning myself up and making sure my breath didn’t smell of digested orange chocolate macarons. I stepped out of the bathroom just as a flight attendant walked by wearing the most vile-smelling coconut perfume and I immediately closed the door and got sick again. 

 

By the time I got back to my seat, the pilot announced that the plane was about to land.

 

Holy crap. I was in Philadelphia. I was moments away from seeing Kevin. This is happening. This is really happening. Stay calm, Jane. Whatever you do, DO NOT pee your pants!

 

It took me a while to get to the baggage claim since I was one of the last people to get off the plane and had to walk a mile and a half to get to where I needed to be. By the time I reached the escalator that would bring me down to the carousel of ever-ending luggage, my feet were killing me. However, it was all worth it. 

 

There he was, waiting for me at the bottom of the escalator. He was smiling from ear to ear and it made my heart want to burst out of my chest. My legs were shaking with anticipation; I wanted to push everybody out of my way and sprint down this slow-moving staircase to be with him. He was the same old Kevin, with the exception that he grew out his beard and his hair had gotten long and curly. 

 

I hope they inherit his curls. And his eyes. Those beautiful crystal blue eyes that lit up the entire airport the moment he saw me.

 

I hopped off of the escalator and ran over to him, jumping straight into his embrace. I wrapped my arms around his neck the moment he lifted me up and squeezed really tight. My breasts were intolerably sore; I should have told him to be careful but it didn’t matter at that point. My concern was cancelled out right away by the immeasurable amount of happiness I felt just being able to hold him again. 

 

"God, I missed you…" I missed that beautiful smirk. Seeing him smile made me forget that we're in an airport filled with thousands of people. I responded by smothering his face and lips with quick, ardent kisses. He kissed me back; It lasted so long that it instantly erased all the yearning I've had for him for the last few months. I gazed into his eyes afterwards and could see nothing but an outpouring of absolute adoration.

 

This is home. This is where I'm meant to be. Me and Him and…

 

I beamed ecstatically. I couldn't wait any longer. "Hi, Daddy."

 

At first, he chuckled and looked at me quizzically. "Here? Right now? You can't wait until we get home?" 

 

He put me down and began looking around the crowded airport, scouting for a more quiet place for us to 'reunite.' "Looks like there's a closet over there in that corner…" 

 

I rolled my eyes and playfully punched him in the gut while giggling. "That's not what I meant!!"

 

Time to bring out the big guns. I unlocked my phone and gave it to Kevin. I showed him the ultrasound. His jaw dropped. 

 

"Jane…" He looked up from the phone to see me pulling back the excess fabric of the sweater, revealing my small bump.

 

Our Christmas Eve miracle.

 

"So, I'm about sixteen weeks…" I started to get choked up. "I found out a month ago after Gina forced me to take a test. They're about the size of an avocado, I looked it up this morning. I already got referred to an OB-GYN out here and I have an appointment next week for a check-up and another ultrasound and, if you want, we can find out the--"

 

He pressed his lips passionately against mine, placing his hand on my swollen tummy, rubbing it ever so gently. Without any notice he swept me off my feet once more, spinning me around cautiously but exploding with enthusiasm as he raved out loud that he was going to be a dad. It was the best outcome I could have hoped for.

 

My grandparents’ love story started in an airport, and this is where ours begins a new chapter.

 


End file.
